When we're in a long-term relationship or expecting to get married, all we want to think about is moving forward with that person and living happily ever after.
But that also blinds us to any possible red flags waving around in the relationship, and only someone who deeply loves us would risk speaking up about it, pointed out the users of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor FrostGlistenss had thought for a long time that her best friend's future husband was a walking red flag, and she kept hoping that her best friend would notice the problems herself and end the relationship.
But when her future husband was treating her so badly over the phone that he ruined her bachelorette party, the Original Poster (OP) called out the toxicity of their relationship, and her best friend was so hurt by being called out, she called off the wedding and their friendship at the same time.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for telling my best friend her marriage is doomed at her bachelorette party and accidentally getting the wedding canceled?"
The OP had been worried about how her best friend's partner treated her for a long time.
"I (27 Female) have been best friends with Amy (28 Female) for years."
"She has been with this guy, Jake, for about three years, and honestly, he is a walking red flag."
"He is super controlling and jealous, and he always checks her location. Once, he called her nine times while we were just shopping at Target."
"Amy keeps defending him, saying he is just protective because he cares so much. Whatever."
Everything escalated at Amy's bachelorette party.
"Then, this weekend was a total disaster..."
"Amy's bachelorette party was supposed to be a fun girls' night, but Jake kept blowing up her phone. Texts, FaceTimes, asking where she was, accusing her of acting single."
"She kept leaving to call him back, crying and apologizing, while the rest of us sat there awkwardly."
"After about the fourth time she left the table, I just lost it."
"When she came back, I said loud enough for the whole table to hear, 'You are not marrying a husband. You are signing up for a lifetime of being babysat by a jealous manchild.'"
"Amy started crying and ran out of the bar, and half of the girls followed her."
The OP knew she did the right thing, but it came at a high price.
"Later that night, her mom called me, drunk, thanking me, because apparently, they had all been worried about Jake but did not know how to stop the wedding."
"Her mom told Amy that if she went through with the wedding, they would not pay for it. Now Amy has blocked Jake, moved out of their apartment, and moved back into her parents' house."
"But she also blocked me for humiliating her and will not speak to me."
"Half of our friend group is saying I did the right thing. The other half is calling me jealous and toxic for blowing up her relationship right before the wedding."
"So.. AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she had done the right thing, even if her best friend couldn't see it right now.
"No good deed goes unpunished."
"You did the right thing. She was going to be in for a lifetime of misery."
"But that doesn't mean she is going to like you for it. I'm sorry, hopefully she'll come around. But don't doubt yourself here." - Tamika_Olivia
"The other half of her friend circle looks more like enemies. They called OP jealous and toxic but were unable to call the same to the trainwreck of a relationship. I'm glad she spoke up anyway. NTA." - abstractengineer2000
"NTA. It sounds like you were going to lose a friend either way; he would have forced anyone good out eventually by guilt-tripping her. At least this way, she doesn't have to deal with that guy anymore." - Best_Way_Rest
"I'm gonna come in with a big NTA."
"My sister asked me five times, the day of her wedding, that she was an hour late to, if she was making a mistake."
"I answered yes each and every time she asked, but told her it was ultimately her decision. I was gentle and kind about it."
"Gentle and kind... Did. Not. Work."
"He got physical and emotionally abusive, cheated on her, while isolating her from her friends and family. He even made her quit working when she was a nuclear engineer. It wasn't until her daughter told her she was scared and didn't see 'that man' as her father that she left him."
"You may have lost a friendship (hopefully temporarily), but most likely saved her life and future." - Velharthis009
"You were the only one brave enough to say what needed to be said, but people shoot the messenger. The friends criticising you are either ignorant or cowards. Forget them. Just know you did the right thing. NTA." - MunchausenbyPrada
"The boyfriend-fiance-thing was a BIG RED FLAG with a lot of little red flags. Good for you for practically saving her life."
"Just remember that her mom thanked you. At least her mom will be your friend. Give everyone a couple of months to figure it out. You did great. NTA." - IamLuann
Others agreed and assumed the friendship would bounce back in the future.
"OP, if your friendship with her is true, she'll realize you did the right thing."
"You were right. She was signing up for years of abuse."
"Her parents should have been saying this to her. Her other friends should have, too. Thank goodness you stepped up. NTA." - beena1993
"Her parents have likely been saying this to her, and she had her mind set against anything they said, and the OP helped turn it around for the better."
"Young adult children often do not like to hear uncomfortable advice from their parents. It's only when one of their peers (or sometimes an unrelated adult) offers the advice that they are more amenable to accepting it."
"When your friend finally meets the right guy, who will treat her right, and give her the space she deserves, she will come around and thank you for saving her from this one. NTA." - ofcbrooks
"The OP is NTA. The friend might not realize it for a while, but when she meets someone that's good to her, she's going to realize that OP saved her from derailing her life." - notthatkindofdoctorb
"One of the things people rarely mention about leaving a toxic or abusive relationship is the humiliation you feel when you realize everyone could see how shi*ty your life was the entire time. You didn't actually hide it very well."
"You were given advice here and there, loving hints at leaving him, and you defended him so much. Now that the rose-tinted glasses finally, FINALLY come off, embarrassment and humiliation are a huge part of the trauma."
"Don't ask me how I know."
"She is freshly dealing with an open emotional wound. Like others have said here, give her some time. Let her know you're always available as her friend. You didn't directly humiliate her, it was hearing the words out loud in front of God and everyone that was humiliating. Hearing everyone agreeing."
"NTA." - throwRA-nonSeq
"It's f**king embarrassing when the whole illusion crumbles down and you realize everyone was talking about you the entire time and seeing you as some kind of pathetic victim/idiot."
"At the same time, the people who cared about you weren't literally thinking you were a 'pathetic victim' or an 'idiot,' but of course, while the illusion is crashing down, that's exactly what it feels like, like they couldn't possibly think less of you."
"But they could probably see your experience with compassionate concern while understanding that any one of us (themselves included) can easily find ourselves in this same situation, and you just weren't ready to let them in."
"Emotions are extremely powerful things, and even the wisest and most mature among us will, under the right circumstances, not be able to see certain things due to being overcome by emotions."
"It does not make us pathetic, let alone idiots. It makes us human. And it takes time for us to realize where we might have made a mistake."
"It will take time, but your friend will realize what you did for her, OP, and no matter how embarrassed and hurt she was in that moment, it will deeply, permanently pale in comparison to the years, decades, a lifetime of hurt that she was setting herself up for." - forthentwice
After receiving feedback, the OP reflected on the consequences of her actions.
"Thank you, everyone, for your comments and for sharing your own experiences. So many of these were heartbreaking to read, and I'm so sorry you and your loved ones went through these things. But I can say it makes me feel a little better about stepping in when I did."
"Looking back, I wish I had handled it differently, but it just boiled over. Watching her cry in the bathroom over some jealous texts while we were supposed to be celebrating her was too much."
"I probably should have said something way earlier, but I kept hoping she would see it herself. I know the way I did it sucked, but I don't regret finally saying something."
"Realizing she blocked me and knowing that I might have lost her forever hurt at the moment, but I would rather deal with her hating me for a while than watch her waste years being miserable. I would have hated myself so much more if I stayed quiet and watched her suffer."
"I just hope one day she sees it that way, too."
"When her mom called me, I realized I wasn't crazy for being worried... and that it's better to face a little heartbreak now than a lifetime of regrets. Fingers crossed, she realizes that soon."
"She probably needs space to grieve the future she thought she was going to have."
"I'm going to give her time and just hope she knows I'm still here when she's ready. I just want her to be okay."
As much as this feedback must have hurt at the moment, especially in the presence of so many loved ones, the subReddit was grateful that the OP had stepped forward and said the words the rest of her best friend's support group was too afraid to say.
She would likely need time to get past the humiliation, to grieve the life she thought she was going to have and to process the whole experience, but hopefully, once the best friend had the chance to do that, she would realize that the OP had her best interests at heart and did for her what no one else would.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.