There are countless reasons why a relationship might end, and even when these breakups are messy, sometimes people are able to resolve their issues enough to still stay in touch, especially when there are children involved.
But for these post-romantic-relationship relationships to work, there have to be reasonable boundaries in place, pointed out the users of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor BigMouthTito came into their husband's life when he was in the middle of a messy divorce, and they did what they could to be amicable for the sake of their future husband's preexisting child.
But when the family began to pressure them to "double date" with the husband's ex-wife, the Original Poster (OP) did not want to participate, despite being labeled as the problem.
They asked the sub:
"AITAH for telling my husband I won't hang out with his ex-wife?"
The OP came into their husband's life during a messy divorce.
"I met my husband seven years ago when he was going through a divorce. They were in a very contentious divorce, and he told me he HATED her."
"When his ex-wife found out about me, she did everything she could to make my life miserable, including having friends of hers come to my house and threaten me."
"They had a four-year-old child that they share 50-50 custody of."
"After some years and things have calmed down, we have all managed to be cordial to each other for the sake of the child."
The ex-wife continued to push boundaries, even years later.
"Fast forward to now, she has never remarried. Every time we are forced to be together (think sports games, school events), she follows my hubby around like a lost puppy and talks about old memories when they were together."
"For the sake of the child, I kept the peace."
The OP was alarmed when their mother-in-law wanted the parents to spend more time together.
"Recently, my mother-in-law suggested in a group text that we should go on a double date with my husband's ex-wife and her new boyfriend."
"My mother-in-law has horrible boundaries, and she's desperate for us all to be friends."
"I discreetly told my husband that the idea sounded awful."
"So he sent out a group text to his and told everyone that I was an a**hole for not wanting to hang out with this lady."
"He's now on my s**t list for this. I let most things go, and I am a very non-confrontational person, but I screamed my head off at him for this. He says he did it to shut the conversation down, but I think it just made me look like an insecure a**hole."
The OP felt conflicted over what was happening.
"His family is acting like I need to 'get over it' and go hang out with the woman that I don't trust and don't like."
"I feel like I'm living in the Twilight Zone. His mother is making me question my sanity by telling me that I need to get over things and just 'all be friends because she loves us and wants us all to be together.'"
"Is hanging out with an ex a normal thing and I just don't know it?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were alarmed by the mother-in-law (MIL) and ex-wife's constant boundary-pushing.
"To answer your question, OP, no, it's not normal to go on a date with ex-partners, double date or not. It MIGHT be normal if the ex wasn't constantly trying to f**k your husband or if she didn't harass you with her friends, but nope."
"I personally would be done with the husband after his reply and be done with the mother-in-law for thinking you owe someone grace just because she shot out a kid with your husband." - WinterFront1431
"Call your MIL out on wanting you all to spend more time together. State in a group text that it would be extremely uncomfortable to have an outing with his ex-wife who has been deliberately toxic to your marriage."
"You will be civil at children's functions, but anything without the children is unacceptable. Full stop. NTA." - Life-Bullfrog-6344
"You said it was your mother-in-law's idea in the group text, and then your husband threw you under the bus in the group text."
"But did your husband's ex and her boyfriend say they would be up for this? It can't just be you who is uncomfortable with this; otherwise, you're the only sane one here, besides (hopefully) the child." -mad2109
"Your husband is a d**k who clearly loves the attention he gets from his ex-wife. He's wrong for making you look insecure when it's very valid to not want to hang out with her."
"Why are they even continuing a relationship when it's clear that she still wants to be with him, following him around like a lost puppy like that? You don't do that when you're 'just' co-parenting with someone."
"Your husband has no respect and doesn't understand boundaries. You don't need to be friends to be able to co-parent successfully."
"Also, his mother needs to shut the f**k up and mind the business that pays her. If she wants to be friends with the girl, she can do so, but no one can make you do anything. NTA." - OliveMammoth6696
"The ex-wife is toxic, and your husband likes the attention. In your case, she's not your problem; he is."
"You said no to a double date with HIS ex, and he sent out a GROUP TEXT calling you an a**hole. It sounds like he misses having the toxic in his life."
"NTA." - Aggressive_Cup8452
Others pointed out that the OP's husband was the biggest issue.
"He did what now? You should have way more anger directed at your husband. That was beyond s**tty. He needs to fix that."
"You do not need to go on a double date with his ex. That's kind of a no-brainer. Why does your husband even care? They can co-parent without dinner dates. NTA." - blueberryxxoo
"I'm sorry, but if this were me, he would be gone."
"I'd ask him to leave, or you will, because not only does he expect you to be friends with a toxic b***h who wants to f**k your husband, but he's told everyone that you're the problem."
"He's a horrible man and honestly, I'd let the ex have him." - WinterFront1431
"Your significant other is a total piece of s**t, to be honest."
"I seriously don't understand how he thought calling you an AH in the group chat would shut down the conversation! That line of thought is total madness!"
"Shutting down the conversation would include things like telling your mother-in-law that it's a totally stupid idea and that he wants no part of it, leaving you out of the conversation completely."
"If your partner is this stupid, what other s**t has he pulled? NTA." - Sajem
"Sending that text was such an a**hole move on his part. He did it to shift blame and look like the good guy while you look like the crazy, jealous wife."
"If he REALLY wanted to shut the conversation down, he would have said that he didn't want to go on a double date, not throw you under the bus."
"YTA TO YOURSELF and NTA to everyone else. I'm really shocked that you let this bulls**t go on for so long. You're making excuses instead of giving consequences." - Acceptablepops
"I'm sorry but you just ignored so many red flags from the start. He being in the middle of a divorce, the ex being a drama queen, his mom having boundary issues."
"How amazing is this guy that you overlooked all of that and continued to pursue a relationship with him? Does he look like Manny Jacinto or something? Because from the sounds of this post, he doesn't seem all that amazing."
"NTA, but I'll never understand people who choose to stick themselves in the middle of dumpster fires like this." -ItJustWontDo242
"A real charmer you've got there, OP. Sorry. I know you love him. But who would you be without this crapola in your life?"
"Your literal life's energy is being sucked out of existence."
"For example, if you didn't have this colossal worm of a husband and parasite of his ex on your mind, you COULD CONCEIVABLY be planning your spring vacation. Or about changing your hair color. Or curing godd**n cancer. WhatEVER the case may be."
"This is your life. And I am p**sed for you wasting it while having to deal with this crap." - BambooBeliever
The subReddit found it alarming that the OP's husband's perspective on his ex-wife, whom he "hated," had changed so much, and to the degree that he blamed the OP for all current decisions.
It didn't seem likely to the subReddit that this relationship would last long, but for it to work, new boundaries needed to be set, and they needed to be respected by all parties.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.