We've all heard stories of people cheating, almost to the point that it's not even that surprising of an offense anymore.
But whether we're surprised about it or not, most of us would want to know if we were being cheated on, so we can take proper next steps, reasoned out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor atypicalcloth had already stayed with their husband through one affair, so when another one came about, they knew it was time to go.
But when they discovered the affair partner was also married, the Original Poster (OP) decided they should let the husband know, so he could do what was best for himself, not his cheating wife.
They asked the sub:
"AITAH for messaging the husband of my husband's affair partner about the affair?"
The OP researched their husband's affair partner after finding out about them.
"I found out my husband (of nearly 20 years) is cheating, for the second time. I know, I know, fool me once and all that, but needless to say, my blood will not stop boiling. We are getting divorced."
"I just had this hunch that the affair partner was also married. Something about my husband's comments about her didn't add up."
"Since he was too checked out to even bother with a burner phone, it took about five minutes with the phone bill and 10 minutes of Googling to find an email address for her husband (I'm not on Facebook, so it probably would have been faster if I were)."
The OP reached out to the husband so he could decide for himself what he wanted to do.
"I sent him an email, and within five minutes, my husband was texting me, asking what I had done. He just keeps saying I destroyed a family today."
"All I can say is I wish someone had told me the first time he cheated, so I wouldn't have hung out with the woman and been friendly. This guy is in a similar situation as he and my husband know each other."
"I actually sent the email from a burner email address and didn't out my husband (in case I was wrong somehow), but it's clear to me based on my husband's comments that his affair partner named him to her husband."
The OP considered talking to the other husband further.
"The affair partner swears she's been trying to end things with her husband, and he won't listen. Maybe that's true, but it's also possible she's totally playing my husband and hasn't said anything to hers."
"The affair partner's husband wants to talk to me, and I'll probably call him."
"But I have to know, am I the a**hole for telling my husband's affair partner's husband about the affair? Did I destroy a family? Should I have just kept my mouth shut?"
"Should I not speak to him? My boiling blood may be clouding my judgment."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that the cheating pair were looking for a way to displace the blame.
"Funny how your d**khead husband didn't give a s**t about your family."
"The only reason he's concerned about hers is because he's not gonna keep getting laid now. Or, gasp!, worse: his affair partner will want a more committed relationship out of him. What a shame!" - writing_mm_romance
"She destroyed her own family. Your garbage husband blaming you just shows how worthless he is." - Hopeful-Artichoke449
"NTA. Husband makes the active and deliberate decision to f**k another man's wife and then accuses his wife of breaking that family... as if he and his mistress weren't the ones who did that." - linerva
"Are cheaters just that stupid? I'm the one sneaking around doing shady s**t, but look what you did! A good time to pull out a mirror so they can speak to themselves." - Strict-Listen1300
"Where was OP's husband's concern for said family being destroyed when he started sleeping with his affair partner?"
"OP's husband forgot the golden rule of pointing fingers. Remember when you point your finger at someone, you have three pointing back at you." - Significant_Buy_89
"He put the BLAME on his real WIFE. What an a**hole!" - Impressive-Cake6182
Others agreed and rooted for the OP to start fresh.
"Seriously, if he won't even admit he messed up, what's OP supposed to do? Just pretend it never happened? That's not a relationship; that's emotional gaslighting."
"She'd be better off cutting ties than wasting more time on someone who refuses to own his actions." - ayush_69420
"My ex tried to blame me for us not working out. 'Well, some people just don't stay together!'"
"Actually, no, you cheated, and that's different, dude! Yeah, some people don't stay together, but some people also don't blow up their family unit."
"But also thanks for now owing me 650 in child support a month on top of all your bills. I hope the ride was worth it. My peace sure is!" - TETTS_OUT_FOR_HARAMBE
"The Golden Rule basically says do as you'd be done by, and you said you wish someone had told you back when. Therefore, you did right by the man! (I agree wholeheartedly, by the way, for the same reasons.)"
"Your soon-to-be ex-husband and his affair partner destroyed their own families. If your husband tries to blame you again, refuse to accept it by either stating plainly, 'I don't accept that; you and she are solely to blame,' or simply by laughing hysterically in his face. I recommend the latter."
"Wishing you healing, peace, and future happiness, OP. NTA." - Impossible_Balance11
"My ex-husband's friend is the one who told me. It's been almost 20 years, and I'm still grateful he stepped forward and let me know."
"You destroyed nothing; your husband and his affair partner did all the destroying. You provided truth to someone who needed it. Move on and live your life, knowing you did the right thing." - kraftypsy
"I literally did this, and I have zero regrets. The poor guy had absolutely no idea. It was nice to be able to tell him all of the stories that my husband and the affair partner had told me and my friends, and then have him match up (or not!) with what he had been told by her."
"You did not destroy a family; she did that all on her own. The only thing your silence does is cover for cheaters. Good for you."
"I have never once regretted calling her husband, or posting on affair partner's Facebook page that she was a lying home wrecking b***h and to stay the f**k away from my family." - Prestigious_Air_2493
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.
"First, thanks to all for reading my original post. I am still amazed at how many people took the time to comment. So many people made me laugh, so many shared personal stories; it was truly cathartic."
"On to the update: the day after my original email to the affair partner's husband, he and I talked on the phone. He was shocked to learn about the affair, poor guy."
"I could tell he was struggling, as he wanted to believe all the lies she had told him (and was desperate to believe they hadn't had sex, like she told him they hadn't. My husband says the same but given the fact that he's a proven liar, I didn't believe it for a second)."
"The husband said he was worried for his kids. He explained he was embarrassed as my husband and he are part of the same circle. I said I could relate to my first experience of infidelity. He was grateful to me for reaching out and thanked me."
The OP's husband tried to make it all about him.
"After that conversation, my husband texted me, upset that I had revealed his prior affair and that I only did it to hurt him (because it is, of course, all about him)."
"I explained that the conversation I had with this guy had nothing to do with him. When I mentioned the prior affair, I mentioned it in the context of a relatable life experience."
"I honestly thought it wouldn't be a secret between cheaters anyway, but I guess the AP wasn't happy to learn about it (I know, shocker, cheaters cheat. I guess she thought she was special)."
The OP was looking forward to the next phase.
"At this point, my husband was still sleeping at the house."
"I woke up the next day feeling like I couldn't breathe. It ended up being a full-blown panic attack, which only stopped after I started screaming at my husband, saying he needed to leave the house."
"He is officially not living here anymore and will be packing up the rest of his stuff during an upcoming weekend away that I have planned with friends."
"I am very sad and very angry, but I'm starting to feel like I can breathe again."
The subReddit was pleased to hear that the OP had stepped up and found a way to start the process of getting their soon-to-be ex-husband out of their life for good.
If he was willing to cheat twice, he was surely willing to do so again, or already had.
Though it was unfortunate that another person was a victim here, it was better for the OP and the other husband to know what was going on, so they could both make the best choices for themselves and have better lives than their spouses were willing to give them.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.