We’ve all heard stories of people cheating, almost to the point that it’s not even that surprising of an offense anymore.
But whether we’re surprised about it or not, most of us would want to know if we were being cheated on, so we can take proper next steps, reasoned out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor atypicalcloth had already stayed with their husband through one affair, so when another one came about, they knew it was time to go.
But when they discovered the affair partner was also married, the Original Poster (OP) decided they should let the husband know, so he could do what was best for himself, not his cheating wife.
They asked the sub:
“AITAH for messaging the husband of my husband’s affair partner about the affair?”
The OP researched their husband’s affair partner after finding out about them.
“I found out my husband (of nearly 20 years) is cheating, for the second time. I know, I know, fool me once and all that, but needless to say, my blood will not stop boiling. We are getting divorced.”
“I just had this hunch that the affair partner was also married. Something about my husband’s comments about her didn’t add up.”
“Since he was too checked out to even bother with a burner phone, it took about five minutes with the phone bill and 10 minutes of Googling to find an email address for her husband (I’m not on Facebook, so it probably would have been faster if I were).”
The OP reached out to the husband so he could decide for himself what he wanted to do.
“I sent him an email, and within five minutes, my husband was texting me, asking what I had done. He just keeps saying I destroyed a family today.”
“All I can say is I wish someone had told me the first time he cheated, so I wouldn’t have hung out with the woman and been friendly. This guy is in a similar situation as he and my husband know each other.”
“I actually sent the email from a burner email address and didn’t out my husband (in case I was wrong somehow), but it’s clear to me based on my husband’s comments that his affair partner named him to her husband.”
The OP considered talking to the other husband further.
“The affair partner swears she’s been trying to end things with her husband, and he won’t listen. Maybe that’s true, but it’s also possible she’s totally playing my husband and hasn’t said anything to hers.”
“The affair partner’s husband wants to talk to me, and I’ll probably call him.”
“But I have to know, am I the a**hole for telling my husband’s affair partner’s husband about the affair? Did I destroy a family? Should I have just kept my mouth shut?”
“Should I not speak to him? My boiling blood may be clouding my judgment.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that the cheating pair were looking for a way to displace the blame.
“Funny how your d**khead husband didn’t give a s**t about your family.”
“The only reason he’s concerned about hers is because he’s not gonna keep getting laid now. Or, gasp!, worse: his affair partner will want a more committed relationship out of him. What a shame!” – writing_mm_romance
“She destroyed her own family. Your garbage husband blaming you just shows how worthless he is.” – Hopeful-Artichoke449
“NTA. Husband makes the active and deliberate decision to f**k another man’s wife and then accuses his wife of breaking that family… as if he and his mistress weren’t the ones who did that.” – linerva
“Are cheaters just that stupid? I’m the one sneaking around doing shady s**t, but look what you did! A good time to pull out a mirror so they can speak to themselves.” – Strict-Listen1300
“Where was OP’s husband’s concern for said family being destroyed when he started sleeping with his affair partner?”
“OP’s husband forgot the golden rule of pointing fingers. Remember when you point your finger at someone, you have three pointing back at you.” – Significant_Buy_89
“He put the BLAME on his real WIFE. What an a**hole!” – Impressive-Cake6182
Others agreed and rooted for the OP to start fresh.
“Seriously, if he won’t even admit he messed up, what’s OP supposed to do? Just pretend it never happened? That’s not a relationship; that’s emotional gaslighting.”
“She’d be better off cutting ties than wasting more time on someone who refuses to own his actions.” – ayush_69420
“My ex tried to blame me for us not working out. ‘Well, some people just don’t stay together!'”
“Actually, no, you cheated, and that’s different, dude! Yeah, some people don’t stay together, but some people also don’t blow up their family unit.”
“But also thanks for now owing me 650 in child support a month on top of all your bills. I hope the ride was worth it. My peace sure is!” – TETTS_OUT_FOR_HARAMBE
“The Golden Rule basically says do as you’d be done by, and you said you wish someone had told you back when. Therefore, you did right by the man! (I agree wholeheartedly, by the way, for the same reasons.)”
“Your soon-to-be ex-husband and his affair partner destroyed their own families. If your husband tries to blame you again, refuse to accept it by either stating plainly, ‘I don’t accept that; you and she are solely to blame,’ or simply by laughing hysterically in his face. I recommend the latter.”
“Wishing you healing, peace, and future happiness, OP. NTA.” – Impossible_Balance11
“My ex-husband’s friend is the one who told me. It’s been almost 20 years, and I’m still grateful he stepped forward and let me know.”
“You destroyed nothing; your husband and his affair partner did all the destroying. You provided truth to someone who needed it. Move on and live your life, knowing you did the right thing.” – kraftypsy
“I literally did this, and I have zero regrets. The poor guy had absolutely no idea. It was nice to be able to tell him all of the stories that my husband and the affair partner had told me and my friends, and then have him match up (or not!) with what he had been told by her.”
“You did not destroy a family; she did that all on her own. The only thing your silence does is cover for cheaters. Good for you.”
“I have never once regretted calling her husband, or posting on affair partner’s Facebook page that she was a lying home wrecking b***h and to stay the f**k away from my family.” – Prestigious_Air_2493
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.
“First, thanks to all for reading my original post. I am still amazed at how many people took the time to comment. So many people made me laugh, so many shared personal stories; it was truly cathartic.”
“On to the update: the day after my original email to the affair partner’s husband, he and I talked on the phone. He was shocked to learn about the affair, poor guy.”
“I could tell he was struggling, as he wanted to believe all the lies she had told him (and was desperate to believe they hadn’t had sex, like she told him they hadn’t. My husband says the same but given the fact that he’s a proven liar, I didn’t believe it for a second).”
“The husband said he was worried for his kids. He explained he was embarrassed as my husband and he are part of the same circle. I said I could relate to my first experience of infidelity. He was grateful to me for reaching out and thanked me.”
The OP’s husband tried to make it all about him.
“After that conversation, my husband texted me, upset that I had revealed his prior affair and that I only did it to hurt him (because it is, of course, all about him).”
“I explained that the conversation I had with this guy had nothing to do with him. When I mentioned the prior affair, I mentioned it in the context of a relatable life experience.”
“I honestly thought it wouldn’t be a secret between cheaters anyway, but I guess the AP wasn’t happy to learn about it (I know, shocker, cheaters cheat. I guess she thought she was special).”
The OP was looking forward to the next phase.
“At this point, my husband was still sleeping at the house.”
“I woke up the next day feeling like I couldn’t breathe. It ended up being a full-blown panic attack, which only stopped after I started screaming at my husband, saying he needed to leave the house.”
“He is officially not living here anymore and will be packing up the rest of his stuff during an upcoming weekend away that I have planned with friends.”
“I am very sad and very angry, but I’m starting to feel like I can breathe again.”
The subReddit was pleased to hear that the OP had stepped up and found a way to start the process of getting their soon-to-be ex-husband out of their life for good.
If he was willing to cheat twice, he was surely willing to do so again, or already had.
Though it was unfortunate that another person was a victim here, it was better for the OP and the other husband to know what was going on, so they could both make the best choices for themselves and have better lives than their spouses were willing to give them.