We've all seen one of those friend groups where someone clearly does not fit in the same way as the others, likely because the others in the group are taking advantage of them for something.
True feelings can become apparent quickly when we can hear how someone talks about their friends in private, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor throwRA_TexasGrace5 was appalled by her friend's choice to show up at her birthday party, albeit well-dressed, with an offensive tattoo showing.
But based on how the Original Poster (OP) wrote about her friend, it hardly seems they're at the level to read each other's minds.
They asked the sub:
"AITA for expecting my friend to cover up her tattoo?"
The OP was recently going through a rift with her best friend.
"Alice is one of my best friends. These past few days, we haven't been talking because we got into a bit of an argument about something that happened at my 24th birthday party."
"So my extended family came down from Massachusetts to my party, and I had my whole family there."
Alice had a tattoo the OP and their loved ones did not appreciate.
"Alice has a tattoo of the rapper Eminem on her leg. It is offensive. It's from one of his pictures flipping somebody off."
"Me, my friends, and my family do not like him. He is disgusting, offensive, and problematic."
"And our friends were shocked she got him tattooed. We thought it was immature and crazy."
"I guess she has like 25 tattoos, so it's not as bad as if it were her only one. We all knew she liked him a lot and she always said, 'He saved me during my childhood,' whatever that means."
The OP was not pleased when she was able to see the tattoo during her birthday party.
"Anyways, Alice dressed appropriately at my party, to which I was shocked, because usually, she wears outfits with 100 colors and patterns everywhere."
"She wore a beautiful dress, but it showed the tattoo. I was shocked. I thought she would at least have the decency to cover it up at a family function."
"My aunt and cousins were staring at it and later asked me why I'd be friends with somebody like that."
"I told her afterward how impolite that was, and she just said, 'Well, you know how I am. And who I am. You didn't tell me to cover it.'"
"I feel like it should have been implied."
"Reddit, am I the a**hole?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some found the way the OP talked about her best friend to be dripping with malice.
"The way you talk about your so-called 'best friend' doesn't sound is if you see her really as that, especially when you make comments about her traumatic childhood that read, 'whatever that means.'"
"If you had a certain dress code, including covering up her tattoo, for your party, you had the chance to voice your concerns beforehand and ask her in an appropriate way. You didn't take that chance but called her out for not foreseeing your wish. YTA." - Aggravating-Travel34
"OP is most definitely the AH and doesn't deserve a 'beautiful' free spirit best friend like Alice. Hope Alice drops them and all their d**n rules! Sheesh." - Leading_Manager_2277
"The way it reads, it sounds like Alice is someone OP stays close to because they're the same blood type and she might need a transplant in the future." - MedChemist464
"Poor OP is shocked, just SHOCKED, by so many innocuous things, especially their friend's apparel. I picture them gasping in horror constantly at movie theaters, grocery aisles, public beaches..." - idkanan
"YTA. I don't think she's your friend... I think she might be your punching bag! She sounds like somebody I'd much rather be around than you and your friends. If you and your friends are a bunch of judgemental a**holes, she's probably better off without you."
"Your standards are not the world's standards. Most people don't have any issues with tattoos. The people that have the biggest issue with something on someone else's body are those who don't like to not be in control of others. That's a YOU problem." - Front_Top_2289
Others pointed out the OP needed to do a better job of having her "best friend's" back.
"OP, I was thinking it was something very explicit but… Eminem? Really?"
"You could walk down a street or go into a store and see/hear more explicit things than that."
"I grew up in a family where we weren't allowed to say shut up or anything remotely like a cuss word and even my family wouldn't react that strongly to it!"
"The fact that your family asked you why you would be friends with 'someone like that' and you didn't defend her says all we need to know."
"If y'all are religious/conservative let me say it in a way you'd understand: 'Judge not, that ye not be judged.'"
"It's okay not to care for the tattoo but to require her to go through all this because your family is super judgy and isn't being a good friend. YTA." - blackbrowblue
"If I were to warn my friend, it would be just that: a warning about my family and their a**hat behavior, and if she wanted to avoid their s**tty comments/looks/questions/pearl clutching. If Alice didn't care to cover up, that'd be fine by me, and the conversation is over."
"Should they ask disparaging questions/make inane comments about my friend choice, family would get an earful in support of her: that she can do what she likes with her body and I support her completely and do not care to even bother answering bulls**t questions about who I choose to be friends with, period."
"I might throw in a comment or two about their audacity to ask questions like that about someone else's personal choices, how pathetic they are to judge (!SHAME!) a book by its cover and ignore the amazing qualities in someone. But only if those listening are even worth my time."
"I would have been looking out for Alice because my family is often in d**k mode and she may not want to deal with them. But if she's comfortable in her own skin (see what I did there?) and elected not to cover up, that's her prerogative, and I wouldn't say anything more of it."
"Except to actually care about things that motivated her tattoo choice, like what sounds like significant difficulties/trauma in childhood. You know: 'whatever that means' (sarcastic comment)."
"Yes, OP. You are quite the a**hole. More so when I realized this was 'one of your best friends.'"
"YTA." - MamaGhee229
"Imagine being such an awful 'best friend' that you don't know nor care about having needed someone to save their life in childhood."
"OP, YTA. It sounds like the ones being rude and impolite are you and your family, judging someone else for what they do to their own body."
"You clearly don't like this friend if you're embarrassed by her and disagree with everything she does, from how she dresses (lots of colors?! perish the thought!) to what she has tattooed on her, to her mental well-being. Cut this poor girl free already." - litfan35
"The OP's like, 'She wears too much color, she likes someone I dislike, I don't get her comments about how this person saved her.' Op sounds like a conceited AH, to be honest."
"I wonder how they would react if their friend returned the favor and told them all the things she thought were flaws with their character."
"It's also telling that they'd rather force her to hide who she is than tell his own family to mind their own business when judging her."
"The fact they let their family badmouth an apparently close friend, tells me all I need to know. I wouldn't have stood for it. The doors over there, leave if you are offended." - Kittymchaggismuncher
"YTA."
"If you thought your family might get upset over the tattoo, it's your responsibility to inform your friend about that before the party. Even then, it is up to her if she wants to cover it up. There are no implications here whatsoever. You're a fool if you think that is implied."
"I have a conservative family. I am heavily tattooed. I don't give a f**k if someone doesn't like my tattoos, but if a friend was concerned, I'd cover up for her, but only if she asked me to. You didn't ask your friend though, so you can't really get upset at her here." - Liss78
Likely hoping for a better rating in another subReddit, the OP also shared this post in the "Am I the Buttface?" (AITB) subReddit.
The post is the same, except they added the word 'offensive' to their initial question.
"AITB for wanting my friend to cover up her offensive tattoo?"
The reactions were also startling the same, including a gem like this one:
"Nobody's going to agree with you, no matter how many times you post this."
"The way you talk about your 'best friend' is soooo hateful. You dismiss Alice because you find her personal struggle and the way she coped with childhood adversity as 'cringy.'"
"Plenty of kids find solace in 'offensive' music, especially Eminem's. The dude writes about his childhood abuse and how he's aware he's f**ked up, and sure, he's immature and inappropriate, don't get me wrong… but it's very affirming for people who went through some s**t to hear him talk about it."
"And before you go in about him being homophobic/etc., we get it. I'm gay. I know he's said some s**t. He's also been a very vocal supporter of the community since like 2009. And he's obviously learning (and unlearning) a lot as he gets older. I'm not saying he's perfect, but you're clearly not even willing to accept that people are complicated?"
"It's also bothering me that you don't mention where the tattoo is. If it were on her stomach or something, sure, I'd say it's a fair assumption that she should cover that… but to expect her to dress like a stagehand at the Vatican simply because you can't handle a tattoo? That's absurd."
"So yeah."
"YTB. A big ol' butthole at that." - Professional-Bee4686
This seems like one of those friendships that were strung along for a purpose, like when a person keeps someone in their life who they think makes them look more beautiful in comparison, or because one friend has the fun car and is willing to drive.
At the end of the day, those aren't real friendships and are unfair to the person who is being pulled along. And no matter where the person who did the dragging shared that information, they'd always receive the same rating: YTA or YTB.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.