Divorce becomes more complicated when there are children involved and custody battles ensue.
A divorced dad who shares 50% custody of his children recently caused further tensions with his ex-wife when she made her stance on an issue clear but he didn't agree to.
So he turned to the "Am I the A**hole? (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor UpstairsMorning6897 asked:
"AITA for not sending enough essentials with my kids for their half siblings?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (33 m[ale]) shared 50-50 custody of my children 11m, 10f and 8m, with my ex-wife. My ex is remarried and has an additional two children under the age of three with her husband."
"They are struggling financially. They cannot afford to meet the needs of the children. The courts are aware of this and have not, will not, give me full custody."
"Instead they are encouraged to seek resources and I am encouraged to ensure my kids are taken care of all the time even if not in my custody."
"Because of this I send my kids with certain essentials like easy foods to eat and a few extra clothes and toiletries."
The OP continued:
"My ex has asked me to send them with formula, diapers or toddler friendly foods before and I ignore her. I only make sure my kids have those things."
"I know she and her husband get a lot of help to provide better and I do not feel like it should be on me to make sure their two kids are taken care of."
"But my ex had a fit over Christmas about our kids getting nice gifts and going to her house with food she and her husband couldn't provide and she told me I was being a d*ck and petty with children who never harmed me in any way."
"I told her the job is hers and her husband's to ensure they are taken care of. She told me I can afford it. I could do it and be kind and make sure our kids don't see their half-siblings as lesser because they don't get as much."
"I told my ex she had some nerve expecting me to fix her mistakes and this only pissed her off more. But her financial situation was never the best and she decided to grow her family anyway. That wasn't a decision I had any say or part of."
"AITA for not doing more for the other two children?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"NTA. Not your kids, not your problem."
"You're already doing right by sending stuff for your own kids. Your ex and her new husband chose to have more kids while broke - that's on them."
"Keep taking care of your three. Their money issues aren't yours to fix." – DelayHefty644
"NTA. Your responsibility is to your children, not to the children she chose to have with her husband. You're already doing more than what's required by sending your kids with extras to ensure their needs are met while at her house." – Iam_Tender_Angel
"Yup. She can't take care of the kids she shares with OP. She wants custody of them even though she's neglectful. Is OP supposed to be on the hook for financially supporting all of his ex's current and future kids? Is she expecting him to put them through college, too? Maybe she'll have 2-3 more and expect OP to put them all in diapers too."
"Agreed with other comments who say communication should only happen over text or email, make her put this in writing. Get a lawyer and sue for full custody. She says herself she can't care for any of her kids." – cicada_noises
"Plus OP is essentially providing his ex's care for their children on her parenting time in addition to his own responsibilities during his, which should at least free her resources up to provide for the other two, but that's not even his responsibility anyway. My guess is that this is not the arrangement made through the court as that would be kind of weird."
"Good on OP for not letting his children go without just because it is on her time, but it seems to brook a rearrangement of the custody agreement to some degree, at least if there is any child support at play, and really should be a renegotiation of parenting time in general given that she does not seem to be using hers to provide for their needs. I'd be pretty livid if I was OP." – lumiranswife
"Exactly. If OP is providing for his 3 kids, then the ex only has her two youngest kids to provide for, which should make things much easier. This is no different from the posts where a parent provided a college fund for their child and the ex complains that step or half siblings don't have a similar fund."
"And the response is always that the shared child has a college fund, which means they don't need to worry about that child, and it frees up more money for the ex to put in other college funds. It does not mean the parent needs to provide college funds for ALL the kids that are somehow related to their own kid." – One_Ad_704
"Nta. If she can't afford all the kids then she has the option of limited custody. There are resources out there as well along with hard decisions of one or both parents taking a second job depending on child care."
"You can't bank roll their situation, they are in the situation because they didn't think it through and now aren't even trying to do better. Enabling won't help they will just accept they can ask and someone provide." – Connect_Tackle299
"NTA. I really hope she's not taking things away from your kids. I mean, anything they bring with them, she probably confiscates and uses for the two other kids. Really expecting you to send diapers and formula for the young ones is absolutely crazy. But you say she's already hooked up with organizations and stuff so either she's not getting enough or they used too much."
"But her younger kids are not your responsibility. Her or her husband can go out and get a second job if they're so strapped for money. You don't keep spitting out kids if you can't afford the three you already have." – NaturesVividPictures
"NTA. If she can afford to have them, she should be able to afford to care for them. You don't mention any sudden disability or health issues, so I would continue to care for your children and let her and her husband worry about theirs." – Ok_Childhood_9774
"You said the court has already been involved and isn't doing a thing other than telling you to pay for more and spend the same amount of time. I'd honestly call CPS as they quite literally cannot feed nor properly take care of their five children. If it gets to the point where they have to ask other people to buy groceries and supplies for them, they aren't fit to have as many, if not any, children under their custody."
"Fight for your children; if this keeps going this way, your ex will say 'family shares everything' as her youngest grows older and will make your children share (read: give) their stuff with their half-siblings. She might even take the food you give your children and eat it themselves or try to sell your children's stuff 'because they don't need so much stuff', or 'it's not ok they have nice things while their half siblings don't have enough to eat', etc."
"Stop this before it gets to this point. Fight for your children and continue to provide and care for them, because your ex clearly doesn't. NTA." – MaoMaoNeko-chi
"NTA, it actually blows my mind that ex-partners expect the other parent to provide for their new children, then when they don't get their own way, they try and manipulate the situation with the kids. Do these people feel no shame? I would be absolutely mortified if me and my husband asked my child's dad to provide for our child. They are not your responsibility she needs to pull her head out her arse." – Ok_Royal2491
"NTA."
"While I feel for your exes delima, it's of her own making and design, and her reaction to it is selfish and entitled. She could simply request that they skip visitation until such time they're on better footing. But she won't."
"I've got a crisp $5 in my wallet that says she's claiming them as dependents to get government aid, and that your supplies are being 'Divided' amongst the family instead of going exclusively to your children anyway. Afraid I've heard this story before."
"And We all know were the genders reversed the courts would have no issue stripping you of custody and giving that time to your ex." – gaurddog
Overall, Redditors thought the OP's reluctance to additionally help his ex's children when he was already providing for their three kids was warranted, especially when she took it upon herself to grow her family when she was not financially stable.
Redditors encouraged the OP to continue being there primarily for their children.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp