Those of us who have a tough dating history more than liking have at least one story of things getting super awkward, like an ex trying to come back into our lives, or us trying to get something important back from an ex's house.
Whatever the case may be, these stories hardly ever went the way we were hoping, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor aitasoldheirloom gave their ex-fiancé three years of opportunities to retrieve the engagement ring they proposed with before they finally decided to donate it.
But when their ex finally responded, the Original Poster (OP) still wondered if they handled the situation poorly.
They asked the sub:
"AITA for donating my engagement ring, which is a family heirloom, to an auction fundraiser and telling my ex to bid if he wants it back?"
The OP tried to return their engagement ring.
"My friend is raising money to build an orphanage in his home country. He's going to host an auction fundraiser and asked our friends if they had anything they could donate."
"I had an engagement ring that is very beautiful but holds painful memories for me."
"My ex and I broke up 3 years ago. I've contacted him multiple times in the past, asking him to either take it, to give me his new address so I can send it to him, or to agree to me selling it."
"He hasn't responded to any of these requests, so after 3 years, I finally decided to get rid of it by donating it to the fundraiser."
Then they gave their ex one last chance.
"I sent my ex one final warning that I was going to get rid of the ring, which he ignored."
"So I gave it to my friend. I even sent my ex a confirmation text to let him know I no longer had the ring."
"This was a few weeks ago and he never responded."
The OP received a surprising visit recently.
"On Saturday he showed up at my home, looking furious. I was shocked to see him, and I kept asking him who gave him my address."
"I guess this annoyed him more because he told me that was a stupid question and demanded I give him the ring."
"I explained that I no longer had the ring and that I had given him plenty of opportunities over the last 3 years to collect it."
"He told me to get it back and I told him I couldn't."
"He asked me if I had any idea how much that ring was worth and reminded me it was his grandmother's."
"I told him if the ring was so important to him that he should've responded to my messages or came to collect it, since he obviously knew where I lived."
"He told me he gave it to me because it was so important, but if he had known t I would be so spiteful to give it away, he would've come back for it."
"We kept arguing and he told me I would regret it if I didn't get the ring back to him by the end of the week."
"I told him if he wanted it back so badly, he should bid on it because it was too late."
"He eventually left after telling me I had a week to get the ring back 'or else.'"
The OP wasn't sure what to do.
"Obviously, he thinks I'm an AH and after speaking to my sister he might be right."
"But I gave him plenty of opportunities to take the ring back, and if it was that important to him, he would've."
"He also can 100% afford to bid and win it back, so I don't feel as bad about refusing to ask for it back, since his money will go to a worthy cause."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP that they gave him plenty of time and opportunities.
"You gave him 3 years? And he responded immediately after you said it was gone? Meaning he was reading the messages and just deciding not to respond? Lmao. No you're NTA. If he cared he would've gotten it immediately." - Dellidit
"I was so prepared to rule you TA by the title. I was wrong… you did everything reasonable to return it and were more than fair. NTA and I hope it raises a lot of money in the auction." - Dezzys2
"I was ready to say OP was the AH, but in this case nope! You did your due diligence before you donated it. I love that you donated it. NTA." - Blynn025
"OP should definitely save all of those messages in case the idiot ex somehow tries to sue for the ring. In some areas, an engagement ring is considered a gift and you can't sue for it back, but in others that might not be the case. But if OP has proof that they did try to give it back and the ex ignored them, they'd have the proof" - Crafty-Koshka
Others agreed and said the ex was trying to keep his foot in the door.
"Leaving the important family heirloom ring with her, ignoring her messages, keeping track of where she lives...this guy is weird. Was this just an opportunity to make her the bad guy or did he think so long as she had the ring they were still connected?" - thistleandpeony
"Yep, that dude just wanted to keep her emotionally hostage. 'Oh the ring means so much to me she can't possibly get rid of it and think of us every time she sees it.'"
"Now she's gotten rid of it, he knows that she's moved on and he is fuuuurious."
"OP, in some states the law expects you to return the ring if the engagement ends, so make sure you keep documentation of all correspondence with this guy, detailing that he abandoned it with you for 3 years. Try to avoid talking to him, get it in writing." - Hamajaggah
"I don't think he dropped the ball, I think it was deliberate. He thought that for as long as she had 'his' ring in her possession, she would have an unbreakable string of connection to him."
"That's why he ignored her (generous) messages - he thought he could extend that connection into infinity, and that she'd never really be free of him. He's mad that she proved him wrong. It's a control thing. A**hole." - icecreamp**is
Some also wondered if the ex was a legitimate threat.
"I am not in any way suggesting that OP has contributed to any delusion he may have regarding the likelihood that they would ever get back together again."
"I would have expected that if he'd broken things off he'd have been less invested in tracking where she was and would have asked for the ring back at the time of separation. I would also have thought it he'd broken things off she'd have been less concerned about him knowing where she lived."
"If however she broke it off and had to leave in hurry to get away from an abusive partner I can see why he'd potentially be more likely to think he could get her back - because he would be in denial about the finality of the separation and her retaining the ring could play into his fantasy of it all. Her disposing of the ring would have been a discordant event in his fantasy and potentially make him more dangerous." - Fraerie
"I'm also extremely concerned with the overt threat that she'd 'better get the ring back by the end of the week OR ELSE'..."
"OP is NTA for sure, and should really consider trying to get a restraining order. The ex clearly has rage/control issues that haven't lightened up over THREE YEARS." - SnowFox84
"NTA. He's THREATENING her if she doesn't get it back."
"OP, please be on your guard, he could hurt you, damage your car or property, spread nasty rumors, or try to get you fired. If he shows up again to demand the ring, please record it and if possible have a witness."
"Take care." - Super-Snouter
While they could understand why the OP was worried, the subReddit agreed that the OP had done nothing wrong by donating the engagement rings after three years of holding onto it. Legally, they were concerned, not to mention for safety reasons, but morally, the OP was in the clear.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.