Content Warning: HIV Diagnosis, Caretaking
Not everyone is destined for the "dream" lifestyle of getting married, having a few kids and a dog, and the beautiful house with the white picket fence.
But when a person discovers they aren't meant for that life after they've already set that life up, they're going to hurt people in the process of "finding their truth," cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Spirited-Ad7819's ex-husband decided he needed to leave to "live his truth," leaving behind his partner and their three children without ever looking back.
But when his new lifestyle led to major health concerns, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when he tried to come back into their life and even demanded that they care for him during his final years.
They asked the sub:
"AITAH for not wanting to be my ex-husband's caretaker after his HIV diagnosis?"
The OP's ex-husband left and did nothing to care for his family.
"I'm making this post to show my ex later, because I don't feel like I'm in the wrong here. But I'm close to the situation, and I'm always open to new opinions."
"My ex-husband up and abandoned our family several years back to 'live his truth.'"
"I'm not going to say what his 'truth' was, beyond pointing out that it involved a lot of random, unprotected sex. That was way more important to him than me or our three children."
"He did not pay child support. He didn't even acknowledge the children most of the time. He worked under the table and did OnlyFans and similar platforms to make sure that he didn't have to support the children that he helped create."
"Needless to say, our two eldest hate him and our youngest doesn't even remember him."
But then the OP's ex-husband's new lifestyle caught up with him.
"He reached out to me recently to tell me that the karma train had run him over."
"He has acquired a terminal STI from his time as the community chew toy. He showed me proof of his diagnosis."
"Now he wants to come home, spend what time he has left with the children, and he wants me to be there when he passes on."
"He even said, 'Now isn't the time for I told you so's.'"
The OP did not want to reward and encourage their ex-husband's choices.
"I think that he's being ridiculous. With new medication, you can live a long time with that diagnosis."
"Besides, why should it fall on the children and I to sweep up another mess that he made?"
"He thinks that the children will regret not getting to spend time with him while there's time to be had."
"So, AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that their ex-husband did not deserve special treatment.
"He literally abandoned you and his children, and NEVER gave it a second thought."
"Now that he is dying, he needs something from you. I hope you do not give it to him, NTA." - AlwaysHelpful22
"OP, you're not obligated to do anything for him when he's the one who has to accept that his family (which is the abandoned children/wife) is not there any longer."
"You're also not obligated to babysit his feelings, either."
"Just block him on all social media platforms and if he tries to show up, then he can get his buttocks arrested by the cops."
"It's too late for him to come back when he refused to acknowledge the damage he's done to everyone." - lovemyfurryfam
"He's talking nonsense. With treatment, it's only technically terminal now. As in, this disease isn't going away. Not, as in, this disease will kill you."
"Life expectancy is pretty much the same as everyone else's. It's a beautiful thing, all that progress."
"But, yeah, he's lying." - Responsible-Fan5222
"He's an id**t, but I think he is just exaggerating so he can get back into your house. HIV doesn't kill you anymore. It's barely detectable in the blood if he takes his medication."
"He is just trying to get you to let him come back. Don't fall for it." - erabera
"ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS TAKE PREP. Sorry. There has been so much advancement; this was unnecessary, and I pray he didn't pass it along to someone else the way it was passed to him. This was so preventable."
"I would not take him in. Do not even consider it. He left, thumbed his nose at his family, and evaded financial responsibility. He sounds like a narcissist, immature, thoughtless, and selfish."
"It will make your life and that of your children hell, and tell him that he was okay to treat you all like s**t because in the end he got 'the best of both worlds'... 'living his truth' than jumping back into 'family' when it's convenient and to his benefit."
"No, abso-f**king-lutely no."
"Wish you and your kids the best, OP." - AtomicPlaygirl
Others cautioned the OP against thinking about being his caregiver.
"Having been the caregiver for a man I deeply loved, I beg you not to do this."
"It was an extremely difficult, long, drawn-out time for me, my adult children, and their families. And he had been a caring husband and father who gave his all to the family. This was hard with a man I DEEPLY LOVED."
"This will destroy your life and that of your children. You do not owe him anything. There are public services that can help take care of him. He chose to live his life without his family, so now he gets to live his life without his family."
"If you want to know what it is truly like to be the caregiver of a terminally ill patient, you can join one of the caregiver support groups and read the misery many of these families experience."
"I liked AARP Caregivers. They are a support group that lets members exchange information and vent. Rather than asking this question on Reddit, ask this same question to the experienced members of one of these groups." - Matilda_Mac
"He wants to come live with you and do nothing. That's what he wants. He wants to saddle you with his care, mooch off of you, and act like some sick victim."
"Don't listen to him. Cut him entirely off. Don't engage in any of these discussions. Flat out tell him no and tell him there's nothing to consider." - MaryEFriendly
"He's feeling sorry for himself and wants to make his mistakes someone else's problem. He wants to make you responsible for his treatment."
"He doesn't want to do the work, but he knows you will if he comes back to you. Then, once he's on a good regimen, he will split again."
"Stand your ground. Don't allow him to use you and your kids like this." - Accurate_Muffin429
"So he just wants a free ride for a decade or two (not that he realizes that). It seems like he wants to be important to all of you without putting in the effort it takes to become important in someone's life. From a stranger on the internet- please don't let him talk you into resuming your role as a doormat." - butterflyinflight
"He wants you to care for him for SEVEN YEARS?"
"Let me guess, while he's also too traumatized by karma to work, and without any funds because his little stratagem of working in porn in order to dodge taxes and child support now also mean that a) he doesn't have anything and b) he can't admit to having whatever he does have because you'd be able to claim that as arrears on his child support."
"Don't do that to yourself. Don't do it to your kids." - Stormtomcat
After receiving feedback, the OP updated their post with a series of updates.
"I talked to the two older kids. I told them that their dad was sick and wanted to reconnect."
"Our eldest laughed and said she thought he deserved it. Our middle child said that she doesn't want to speak to him. Our youngest was one when he bounced, so he's just a concept to her anyway."
"Yeah, I'm not bringing him back around the kids without a court order."
"I didn't send him the post, but he's already called this morning to yell about it, so someone found it and showed it to him."
"He claims that there's a secondary health issue that the HIV will make worse, so he will need help. Also, he's claiming that HIV automatically qualifies you for SSI, and he's going that route, and he 'won't be a financial burden.'"
"Well, he won't be anyway because I'm not letting him in."
"I agree with those of you who said that he's probably lying/gaslighting/exaggerating, but he is a heavy smoker, so who knows."
"Thanks to everyone who commented. There was a lot of helpful information."
In a second update, it was clear to the OP that their ex-husband didn't care about their kids.
"A lot of you called this: I told my ex that I wasn't going to force the children to have anything to do with him."
"His response was, 'Fine. I still need YOU tho.'"
"I wish that I could figure out a way to attach a screenshot because my flabbers are gasted at the open audacity."
"He lives a state over and currently doesn't have a car, so we should be fairly safe."
The OP figured out how to post a screenshot in another post:
u/Spirited-Ad7819/Reddit
The OP shared a final update after their family shared the post on Facebook.
"I gave him one phone call before I blocked him, mostly to see what he'd say."
"He admitted to exaggerating the situation. He has a lung issue that might become cancer in the future if he doesn't stop vaping and smoking. He is already on the meds to get his count down."
"He literally said that he wants to be babied and that someone as good-looking as he is deserves to be babied."
"He also acknowledged that he can't keep a job (apparently, he had a job at a McDonald's outside of Pittsburgh recently, and it didn't even last a month), so, in his words, he wasn't dodging child support so much as he is incapable of paying it."
"He also whined that all he has to offer anyone is sex, and now that's been taken from him. His parents have disowned him. His brothers won't speak to him."
"Oh, and he says that he doesn't care what a bunch of internet strangers think, but then whined that I shouldn't talk badly about him to internet strangers."
"When he told me to stop taking a tone with him, I told him that any further contact could be through the courts and blocked him."
"This was draining. This was cathartic. Thank you."
The subReddit was disgusted by how the OP's ex-husband treated them and their children, and what he expected from them after his choices. If he had wanted a supportive family, he should have cared for that family in the first place.
