Some people don't know what they have in a relationship until their partner is gone.
But when they cheated on their partner and immediately started dating other people, it's hard to believe they expected anything else to happen, side-eyed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ImprovementNew5925's marriage with his ex-wife dissolved when his ex-wife cheated on him, and quickly after they divorced, she began seriously dating again, eventually leading to her next serious relationship.
But when her partner had to go on several work trips and wasn't home much, the Original Poster (OP) became increasingly uncomfortable when she invited herself on the weekends to spend time with him during his time with their biological daughter.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to share a bed with my ex-wife again?"
The OP's marriage ended when his wife cheated on him.
"I (41 Male) was married to my ex-wife (37 Female) for a while. We started dating when she was 24."
"Although she had more sexual experience than me at the time, she said I was the first guy to treat her to proper dates and not just casual hookups. We got engaged 20 months after we met, got married, and eventually had our daughter, who's now 12."
"My ex always seemed to be searching for something more in life, but I couldn't figure out exactly what."
"Over time, that dissatisfaction grew, and our marriage unraveled when she cheated. I don't let that affect me too much, though it still stings. We separated two years ago, and our divorce was finalized last year."
The OP thought that the guy his ex-wife ended up with, Mark, was a decent guy.
"Since then, I haven't dated seriously, but she moved on pretty quickly."
"She dated a few guys before settling with Mark (45 Male) about 10 months ago. He seems like a good guy, and my daughter likes him, so I don't have any issues with him."
"Mark is a former football player, so he's got a solid, athletic build. You can tell he had a lot of muscle back in the day, but now he's in that 'muscular but carrying some extra weight' phase. Not unhealthy, just not as fit as he used to be, think Shaq post-retirement."
But it seemed that the OP's ex-wife was interested in repeating patterns with Mark.
"I have a beach house that we used to visit as a family, but after the divorce, I've been taking my daughter there on weekends."
"Last week, when I went to pick her up at my ex's house, she asked if she could come along because Mark was away on a work trip, and she was bored. I said sure, no problem."
"The issue came up that night when she hopped into bed with me, like we were still married. I asked about it, and she told me Mark wouldn't mind."
"Nothing happened, of course, but I wasn't comfortable with the situation."
The OP knew he had to set new, firm boundaries with his ex-wife.
"A few days later, she texted asking if she could stay again while Mark was busy next week."
"I waited to talk to her in person, and I explained that I wasn't okay with her sharing my bed while she's in a relationship."
"She said Mark wouldn't mind, but I asked if I could hear that directly from him. She got upset and accused me of being jealous of her relationship."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out to the OP that "No" was a complete sentence, from him or from Mark.
"No is a complete sentence. NTA." - Purple_Bishop2
"'Mark doesn't mind,' you told her you DO, she's not listening and doesn't care for anyone, and just wants to get away for the weekend. Why do you need Mark's approval? You said NO." - Foreign_Sky_1309
"How can asking her not to sleep in your bed be construed as 'jealousy'? She is still the same emotionally unhealthy woman she was when you two were together." - JTD177
"NTA. You're not comfortable, so tell her no. Not your problem if she doesn't like it. She's an ex and needs to know her place, which isn't in bed with you." - MunkiLord21
"Mum sleeps with daughter, end of discussion."
"It's not appropriate for her to be sleeping in your bed BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT HER TO."
"Use your words, OP. NTA." - Allyredhen79
"Regardless of what Mark thinks/feels it makes YOU uncomfortable."
"That alone is reason enough. Tell your ex straight up: I don't want to share a bed with you because it makes me uncomfortable. We are not married. I don't want to share a bed. End of story." - Pippet_4
Others theorized that this was probably exactly what she used to say to other men.
"Hahaha, not sure I'd buy Mark 'not minding' if I didn't hear it from his mouth. NTA." - Erokengo
"I'd be very suspicious of her motives. Almost sounds like she wants to string two men along. Get some voice-activated recorders for your entire place, but video with audio would be better."
"Then call Mark and ask him to meet you at your favourite pub for coffee shop, and then show him the video or play the audio files. She's gotten bored with Mark and is looking to you to fill the void. Keep your boundaries up." - Weekly_Watercress505
"Your ex is a 'grass is greener' person. If she somehow manages to get her claws in you again, you have to know you'll be nothing but a rest stop on her way to whatever she considers better."
"She doesn't have a loyal bone in her body. Don't let her insert yours. Don't be a dummy and let her drag you or your kid into her mess."
"She probably wants to break up with the other guy and will totally f**k you to do it." - MaryEFriendly
"She's trying to do to Mark what she did to OP. She's absolutely being shady. The 'oh, it's okay. Mark's fine with it' is to counter his polite no. Now it's time for a firm 'You're not my wife, figure out your own boredom' no." - 10000nails
"OP knows exactly how it feels to be in Mark's shoes, and he's not about to sit back and let someone else go through it blind. That's not drama, that's decency. People forget how quiet loyalty can look when you've been burned before." - Muted-Presence4828
"The most significant red flag: OP's ex is a cheater, and that's likely why they're no longer together. OP is doing for Mark what he wished someone would've done for him." - Any_Ring_3818
"Once a cheater, always a cheater in my mind. Maybe you should tell her man so he knows what's what!" - Scary_Panda847
"This is not good. Pick another place, and just tell her straight out that you're not interested in having sex with her. AND If she wants to cheat on him, let it be with somebody else."
"HE IS PLAYING WITH FIRE. YOU BETTER AVOID HER. The way you describe her current husband, you don't want him angry with you." - Ok_Original_9063
Some pointed out that this was also probably terribly confusing for the OP's daughter.
"Not cool sending mixed messages to your impressionable 12-year-old daughter." - urbanexplorer816
"NTA, but stop her from doing this again, because it creates confusion for the 12-year-old child of these divorced parents." - LankyComedian178
"NTA. The fact that you're allowing her to come with you and your daughter during your parenting time is way more than I would do. I would have told her absolutely not the first time she asked to come." - WTFiswrongdude
"NTA. It's inappropriate, and you can revoke consent."
"Plus, she shouldn't be infringing on your time with your daughter. It sounds like she is trying to get back into your life." - GirlStiletto
Others strongly advised the OP to change up the sleeping arrangements or disinvite his ex entirely.
"NTA. But seriously, bro, why are you humoring her? Obviously, she got with Mark because he's the 'muscle guy,' and I'm guessing he doesn't treat her as well as you did."
"Tell her she's welcome to sleep on the couch if she wants. But I wouldn't be bringing her. You aren't married." - RazzmatazzSea3227
"Accusing you of jealousy doesn't make any sense. You are just imposing reasonable boundaries. Since she can't accept that, just don't let her join you on your weekends." - rong-rite
"You still have considerations for this woman? Stop it. She never respected you. Let them pay for hotels and forget to make free favors to them." - Away-Description9948
"NTA, but you need to not let her come at all. She's still acting like your wife and getting all the benefits she wants while not actually being your wife. Put a stop to that." - JJQuantum
"I believe she had an agenda, and he stepped into it. She asked to join them to mess with him -he didn't pick up on it and allowed her. She got into his bed to mess with him, and though nothing happened, he allowed her to stay in the bed."
"NOW he's putting his foot down, which I believe is the right thing to do. The boundaries are for HIS sake, for his sanity and for his protection, should her current relationship go pear-shaped." - Sad-Information2303
"He's not the a**hole; he didn't do anything with her. Is it wrong that she got into bed with him? Yes, but he did nothing to encourage it, and he didn't do anything physical other than be in bed."
"This is very wrong on his ex-wife's part, but he's not doing anything."
"He should enforce his boundaries for his sake, not anyone else's. He needs to move on and enforce boundaries with his ex. So I don't think he's the a**hole, but we can both agree, put a stop to it!" - DPlurker
While the OP hadn't technically done anything wrong so far, it was clear to the subReddit that he needed to set firm boundaries to protect himself, his relationship with his daughter, and simply his daughter's well-being. It wasn't good for him to be led on by someone who cheated on him, and it was confusing for a young girl to see the boundaries of her parents' relationship get blurred after a divorce.
Not to mention that none of this was fair to Mark. If the OP's ex-wife didn't like how much he was traveling, she should either find a way to go with him or discuss her concerns with him, not emotionally and potentially physically try to lean on her ex-husband who she'd cheated on.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.