"Because you're family" gets overused to overlook or excuse a multitude of sins. But clear boundaries are good for all relationships, family or not.
A woman struggling to maintain boundaries she set a decade ago turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Phantominthewoods asked:
"AITA for not allowing my dad and sister to live with us after I just had a baby and their home was ruined by a neighbor's house fire?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"To start, I needed to escape from living with my dad and sister many years ago. I moved in with my boyfriend (now husband) in college ten years ago. They're irresponsible, siphon money, and don't take care of anything. My sister is a narcissist, and I have been in therapy for years."
"I had a baby recently, and I'm writing this post on 3 hours of sleep. I'm exhausted and burned out. I'm a working mom, my husband works too, and we're still in survival mode."
"Their neighbor's house caught fire and burned to the ground. My dad and sister's home was close—the siding melted, windows cracked, blinds melted, inside smells like smoke. No one was hurt."
"My dad and sister still have their belongings. Utilities are off and insurance companies are looking into everything. No clue how long this will take or what is going to happen."
"However, my dad has tons of medical problems and equipment, and would need to stay on the main floor. There is nowhere for him to stay aside from the living room, our only common area, and this is where the baby spends most days. Baby is at an age where he will grab and chew on anything, including small parts for medical supplies."
"My dad would need to use the bathroom on the main floor. He is not careful when he goes, to put it politely. He refuses to clean and has been extremely disorganized since I was born."
"Medically it's different. I can't fault him for not being able to complete everyday tasks... My concern is the possibility of incontinence, and being around the baby is worrisome due to health concerns. As well as me needing to mother my own father on top of my son."
"My sister and her cat have already been staying with us over the weekend. Dad is considered a displaced senior with medical necessities, so the hospital has taken him for now. They want him out soon."
"My husband has a mild cat allergy, so we can't keep the cat in the house for long. My sister is disrespectful and rude. I'm used to ignoring her, but my husband is livid.
"She watched us put away groceries. I had to ask her to help with dishes after she ate a meal that I cooked, and she brought over my dad's dirty laundry and didn't do it because she went to an activity for fun."
"My husband is currently doing it while I'm at work, and I have to run it to my dad tonight in the hospital. She talks and talks without ever stopping. She is selfish and doesn't think about anyone except herself."
"My husband put his foot down, and I agreed. We spoke with my sister and gave her a two-week max that she could stay. She started to cry. This gives her plenty of time to work with the landlord (they rent) and the insurance to be placed into temporary housing."
"I feel very, very guilty, though. Been working on not people pleasing, but I feel like this is different. But I can't do this. I'm already at the end of my rope. I need to put my son first. I can't do more than this. Two weeks is even difficult."
"I wish I had said no. They're not good with money and don't have anything saved for emergencies. My sister said she is making phone calls today. I feel like I needed to light a fire under her a** and this certainly did it."
"I saw the neighbor's house and their house in person, and I was inside the house with all the damage. They can come and go from their place, but all the utilities are turned off until they finish assessing damage."
"We have ice and snow on the ground and single digits degree temperatures right now. The neighbor's place is completely gone. They lost everything. She'd better figure it out sooner rather than later."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I recently had a baby, and my father and sister were displaced by damage from a neighbor's house fire. I took my sister and her cat in, my dad is in the hospital, but we gave her a time limit to leave."
"We can't house my father due to concerns with his medical conditions/equipment and exposure to our baby. I feel guilty for telling them no because they are family, but I don't know what else to do."
"I can't take care of them and my baby at the same time. But my sister expects me to."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA, I wouldn't have let them stay at all. They can get a hotel room. They should be able to read their insurance documents and see if temporary accommodations are supposed to be covered." ~ JaguarMammoth6231
"You can say no now. You can say no in 5 minutes or a day. You have the agency and license to decide who is allowed in your home, when, for how long, without exception."
"You can find a hotel that takes a cat (or doesn't care to check) and tell your sister to pack her asshole self to go tonight."
"Find a spine, use your husband's as backup, and get her out of your house!"
"As for your father, he can figure out where he goes after the hospital; you are not(!) responsible for finding him a place."
"You have an immediate family to care for, including an infant, and it only includes who you decide it does. You do not need to care for your adult relatives." ~ kalixanthippe
"That guilt comes from a place of trauma due to growing up around narcissists. It's not uncommon. It is, though, necessary to grow. This feeling is from putting yourself first."
"It's a new feeling because you've all likely had to step aside to let your sister shine for her whole life. Process the feelings—it's the only way to create new neural pathways to put yourself first." ~ EnjoyingTheRide-0606
"NTA. It's not your job to rehouse them; that is the insurance company's job, and to charge next door's insurance for it. Nothing you need to get involved in."
"Don't step in. They will get rehoused under insurance, and you only damage their case by offering them free housing with family."
"Also, you don't want them at yours… and can't have them at yours … (as they … are … awful .. !)"
"Stop trying to fix a problem not of your making and not solvable by you."
"Cat can go to cattery, it is literally not your job to fix this, nor take in a cat that your husband is allergic to, nor a family member you are allergic to." ~ JSam46
"*describes the most horrific people in the world to share a house with* then asks, 'Should I let them stay?'"
"NO! You said you couldn't stand living with them. Why would you live with them again by choice?" ~ LissaBryan
"You're allowed to choose your family. They only chose you when they needed something from you. Time to put your real family first and keep them the f*ck out of your life." ~ dougan25
The OP provided an update:
"Thank you all for your feedback, words of encouragement, blunt honesty, and reminders to set firm boundaries, and to take care of my husband and son first."
"I refused to allow my father and his medical equipment into our home. There were no arguments there, especially when it came down to the safety and cleanliness of my baby's living environment."
"The cat allergies became severe not only for my husband but also for me. I held firm that my sister and her cat had to be gone from our home immediately for our health; we couldn't breathe.
"I told my sister to book a pet-friendly hotel room with her own card, and thanks to a Reddit user's suggestion to help her move along quickly, we sent her the money to cover two nights to get her out of our hair. We gave her cash and are not expecting it back."
"Not ideal, but she is gone, her stuff is out of our house, and we are looking for a cleaning company to help us get rid of the dander."
"Their utilities were shut off due to the investigation of the damage to their home, and the weather was in single-digit temperatures. They couldn't stay there. The utilities were turned back on just before a week was up, and they moved back in."
"I felt such a strong obligation because 'it's family.' But you're all absolutely right. I didn't want to do this, especially not again, and extra especially because of my own growing family... and I had to hold strong. The blunt perspective was greatly appreciated."
Guilt can be a major motivation, but make sure it's not misplaced.
