When a relationship is new, there are all kinds of exciting firsts for the couple to look forward to.
This is especially true for a couple who will be married soon, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
But Redditor sirens112 felt like they missed out on an important milestone when their fiancé purchased a house without consulting with them about it.
When their family criticized them for letting this bother them, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if they were worried about the wrong things.
They asked the sub:
“AITA for how I reacted to my fiancé surprising me with ‘our’ dream house?”
The OP received a big surprise from their fiancé.
“I’m not sure if I’m the world’s most ungrateful person right now or not so…”
“My fiancé and I are getting married soon. The plan was that once we get married, I would move in with him, and then when we were ready to start a family, we would buy a house together.”
“I guess he changed his mind because he surprised me with ‘our’ dream house.”
“The house is beautiful and if we had house hunted together, I think I would’ve fallen in love with it. However, I was so upset we wouldn’t be able to pick our forever home together that I just started crying when he told me.”
The OP had seriously mixed feelings about it.
“I didn’t know how to explain my reaction and I could see I had upset him, so I asked him to take me home.”
“When I got home my family asked me what happened and I explained.”
“They were all very upset with me and said my reaction was bad and that I should’ve been happy he had bought us a house.”
“They told me to call him and apologize. I didn’t, I just went to sleep early.”
“This happened on Sunday and I finally called him yesterday. He sounded upset with me, I’m not sure if it’s because of my reaction or because I never called or texted him sooner after what happened.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some understood why the OP wanted to do something this big together.
“NAH. He meant it kindly, but you felt hurt to have missed out on a part of the process. Your feelings are valid, and if he’s worth it then he will understand once he gets over the shock of your initial reaction. Communicate.” – Top-Goal-1917
“NTA. Buying a house is a major life decision, a decision you’re supposed to take together. He excluded you from it. You’re rightfully upset.” – Figuur
“NAH – OP you need to sit down with your fiancé and say that the house is gorgeous, but you’re upset to not have the MEMORIES of choosing it. And that it doesn’t properly feel like ‘our’ house but instead ‘his’ house.”
“Maybe also plot some days to go furniture hunting and get some new wallpaper/paint. This is all a shock and you feel like you’ve lost a valuable experience, but you can still decorate this house with your fiancé to make it a shared dream.” – VividEfficiency7347
“NTA”
“You just gotta communicate better about what you are feeling. I will say, nothing over like 5k should be bought without some cooperative decision-making.”
“I would hate if my soon-to-be fiance bought me a luxury watch without me giving her fairly explicit directions on what I like. I bought her engagement ring with huge input from her on what styles she likes, diamond cut/clarity/size.”
“She knows when it’s time for our 5 yr anniversary she is to contact a few of my friends who are fellow watch collectors to get me the vintage Rolex of my dreams. They know exactly my taste, and will know if she’s getting a decent deal. We’ve talked about how that is gonna be my ‘engagement ring’ equivalent, just down the road a bit.”
“That’s just a piece of jewelry though, not nearly as important as a house, or a car in terms of buying something that you want. I always see those stupid car commercials about surprising a loved one with a car on Christmas and it sounds just about the dumbest fucking thing on the planet. Who buys a 80k car for someone without knowing if they actually want it?” – OskeewowwowIL
Others wondered if the fiancé was going to be controlling or manipulative.
“Tell him to keep the house and the ring. He sounds controlling and manipulative as f**k. I wouldn’t marry that or you’re looking at a life time full of being excluded from major decisions and gaslighting.” – messy_b***h420
“If he doesn’t add you to the deed and you still get married, I would refuse to put any of your own money towards the house (mortgage, repairs, etc) because if you divorce, you won’t have any rights to that house EVEN though you sunk money into it.”
“IF he puts your name on the deed then YES, you should financially contribute to the house.” – MissContrariwise
“NTA. Right now this is his house. He bought this house before marriage in secret. He is the only owner.”
“If he is not gonna add you to the ownership, then it’s a red flag for me. Do not invest in something that is not yours.” – bluewazka
“NTA. It’s weird that he didn’t think that you would want to have any kind of input on this. You may want to have a discussion with him about all of this if you plan to marry him. Do you want him making all your decisions for you thinking he knows best for the rest of your life?” – TheMostOfMe
Some comforted the OP and said they could communicate through this.
“Part of this for you was finding a place together and that journey. Am I correct in that deduction?”
“If so, you would not be the a**hole for your feelings. However, I think if you explain this to him and apologize for feeling slighted by not being a part of finding that and the joy it would bring in finding the dream home together you would not be the a**hole.”
“He did a very grand gesture and sometimes the grand gesture, if ‘Sex and the City’ has taught me anything, is not so grand for various reasons.”
“Go have a conversation, take another look at the place. This man obviously loves you enough to make one of the grandest of gestures and that’s not worth throwing away because you got wrapped up in your feelings because you weren’t part of the journey to find it.”
“NTA, yet.” – SifuHallyu
“NTA for feeling that way about him not consulting you on the house. Bit of YTA for just ghosting and not communicating anything for as long as you did.”
“It’s a lot to take in right before getting married and what you’re dealing with is along the lines of ‘If this is how he starts, what else will he be like this with,’ and also you may be feeling like your opinion/ideas/feelings/concerns don’t matter with something as big as a house, AND you likely feel variations of betrayed and lonely because of it.”
“He probably thought he was gonna get some YouTube/HGTV scream-cry, positive reaction but obviously did not.”
“Going forward, you may want to try and talk together on his expectations of how that should have gone and why they do not fit yours. You two should try to look at things zoomed out and see if there are other areas of your lives that he may steamroll you or fail to consult you.”
“On your side, you may need to evaluate if you allow this and maybe even welcome it in any way. You may not stand up for yourself in ways you should or you may not be setting boundaries that would help you in this relationship. Not blaming you for his actions here though, because as far as him buying a d**n house, that’s just bonkers in my opinion.”
“All that aside, this can be mended and y’all can come together. It may be good on y’all to do something fun about it when you’re feeling better like go ‘house hunting’ and walk in it as if it’s the first time and it’s an open house with snacks and stuff and then y’all ‘sneak into the master bedroom’ and decide to spend the night and order pizza.”
“Something to help you be okay with the house and start it on a fresh and fun vibe.”
“My advice though is don’t step foot in that place in the midst of an argument and def don’t go in there until y’all have talked about stuff—preferably in a place neither of you own at the moment if possible.” – Kandyxp5
“NTA. You were looking for a shared process, a life event that would further deepen your relationship. Instead, you got a fait accompli. Being upset is a perfectly valid reaction to having that process you were looking forward to get taken away without discussion.”
“That he understood your tastes well enough to pick the right house just makes this harder. If it was a bad house, your anger would be straightforward. But it’s a good house so you’re left with a mix of gratitude and anger. The anger is valid. But you have a choice about what to do with it.” – stannenb
“NTA. It sounds like your fiance genuinely thought he was doing something great for you but unfortunately miscalculated how being removed from the decision-making would affect you. A home purchase is a big deal at any time, but especially so for a young couple starting a new life together. It’s important for both of you to have agency in that.”
“He could have done the leg work and stopped short of making an offer before bringing you into the process. Especially since this marks quite a drastic departure from the life plans you’d mutually agreed upon.”
“I don’t blame you for being upset but I also get why he’s upset that his grand gesture had the opposite of his intended effect. You need to sit down together and talk it out, explain why you were upset and that you appreciate what he wanted to do but make it clear he went about it the wrong way.” – ArtlessOne
While the subReddit could understand why the OP was upset about being left out of such an important life decision, they also thought more substantial communication needed to happen if this was someone the OP wanted to spend the rest of their life with.
When their partner was upset with them after days without talking, it probably was because of their reaction to the house, as well as going on radio silence like that, which is never good for a relationship.