When a relationship is new, there are all kinds of exciting firsts for the couple to look forward to.
This is especially true for a couple who will be married soon, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
But Redditor sirens112 felt like they missed out on an important milestone when their fiancé purchased a house without consulting with them about it.
When their family criticized them for letting this bother them, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if they were worried about the wrong things.
They asked the sub:
"AITA for how I reacted to my fiancé surprising me with 'our' dream house?"
The OP received a big surprise from their fiancé.
"I'm not sure if I'm the world's most ungrateful person right now or not so…"
"My fiancé and I are getting married soon. The plan was that once we get married, I would move in with him, and then when we were ready to start a family, we would buy a house together."
"I guess he changed his mind because he surprised me with 'our' dream house."
"The house is beautiful and if we had house hunted together, I think I would've fallen in love with it. However, I was so upset we wouldn't be able to pick our forever home together that I just started crying when he told me."
The OP had seriously mixed feelings about it.
"I didn't know how to explain my reaction and I could see I had upset him, so I asked him to take me home."
"When I got home my family asked me what happened and I explained."
"They were all very upset with me and said my reaction was bad and that I should've been happy he had bought us a house."
"They told me to call him and apologize. I didn't, I just went to sleep early."
"This happened on Sunday and I finally called him yesterday. He sounded upset with me, I'm not sure if it's because of my reaction or because I never called or texted him sooner after what happened."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some understood why the OP wanted to do something this big together.
"NAH. He meant it kindly, but you felt hurt to have missed out on a part of the process. Your feelings are valid, and if he's worth it then he will understand once he gets over the shock of your initial reaction. Communicate." - Top-Goal-1917
"NTA. Buying a house is a major life decision, a decision you're supposed to take together. He excluded you from it. You're rightfully upset." - Figuur
"NAH - OP you need to sit down with your fiancé and say that the house is gorgeous, but you're upset to not have the MEMORIES of choosing it. And that it doesn't properly feel like 'our' house but instead 'his' house."
"Maybe also plot some days to go furniture hunting and get some new wallpaper/paint. This is all a shock and you feel like you've lost a valuable experience, but you can still decorate this house with your fiancé to make it a shared dream." - VividEfficiency7347
"NTA"
"You just gotta communicate better about what you are feeling. I will say, nothing over like 5k should be bought without some cooperative decision-making."
"I would hate if my soon-to-be fiance bought me a luxury watch without me giving her fairly explicit directions on what I like. I bought her engagement ring with huge input from her on what styles she likes, diamond cut/clarity/size."
"She knows when it's time for our 5 yr anniversary she is to contact a few of my friends who are fellow watch collectors to get me the vintage Rolex of my dreams. They know exactly my taste, and will know if she's getting a decent deal. We've talked about how that is gonna be my 'engagement ring' equivalent, just down the road a bit."
"That's just a piece of jewelry though, not nearly as important as a house, or a car in terms of buying something that you want. I always see those stupid car commercials about surprising a loved one with a car on Christmas and it sounds just about the dumbest fucking thing on the planet. Who buys a 80k car for someone without knowing if they actually want it?" - OskeewowwowIL
Others wondered if the fiancé was going to be controlling or manipulative.
"Tell him to keep the house and the ring. He sounds controlling and manipulative as f**k. I wouldn't marry that or you're looking at a life time full of being excluded from major decisions and gaslighting." - messy_b***h420
"If he doesn't add you to the deed and you still get married, I would refuse to put any of your own money towards the house (mortgage, repairs, etc) because if you divorce, you won't have any rights to that house EVEN though you sunk money into it."
"IF he puts your name on the deed then YES, you should financially contribute to the house." - MissContrariwise
"NTA. Right now this is his house. He bought this house before marriage in secret. He is the only owner."
"If he is not gonna add you to the ownership, then it's a red flag for me. Do not invest in something that is not yours." - bluewazka
"NTA. It's weird that he didn't think that you would want to have any kind of input on this. You may want to have a discussion with him about all of this if you plan to marry him. Do you want him making all your decisions for you thinking he knows best for the rest of your life?" - TheMostOfMe
Some comforted the OP and said they could communicate through this.
"Part of this for you was finding a place together and that journey. Am I correct in that deduction?"
"If so, you would not be the a**hole for your feelings. However, I think if you explain this to him and apologize for feeling slighted by not being a part of finding that and the joy it would bring in finding the dream home together you would not be the a**hole."
"He did a very grand gesture and sometimes the grand gesture, if 'Sex and the City' has taught me anything, is not so grand for various reasons."
"Go have a conversation, take another look at the place. This man obviously loves you enough to make one of the grandest of gestures and that's not worth throwing away because you got wrapped up in your feelings because you weren't part of the journey to find it."
"NTA, yet." - SifuHallyu
"NTA for feeling that way about him not consulting you on the house. Bit of YTA for just ghosting and not communicating anything for as long as you did."
"It's a lot to take in right before getting married and what you're dealing with is along the lines of 'If this is how he starts, what else will he be like this with,' and also you may be feeling like your opinion/ideas/feelings/concerns don't matter with something as big as a house, AND you likely feel variations of betrayed and lonely because of it."
"He probably thought he was gonna get some YouTube/HGTV scream-cry, positive reaction but obviously did not."
"Going forward, you may want to try and talk together on his expectations of how that should have gone and why they do not fit yours. You two should try to look at things zoomed out and see if there are other areas of your lives that he may steamroll you or fail to consult you."
"On your side, you may need to evaluate if you allow this and maybe even welcome it in any way. You may not stand up for yourself in ways you should or you may not be setting boundaries that would help you in this relationship. Not blaming you for his actions here though, because as far as him buying a d**n house, that's just bonkers in my opinion."
"All that aside, this can be mended and y'all can come together. It may be good on y'all to do something fun about it when you're feeling better like go 'house hunting' and walk in it as if it's the first time and it's an open house with snacks and stuff and then y'all 'sneak into the master bedroom' and decide to spend the night and order pizza."
"Something to help you be okay with the house and start it on a fresh and fun vibe."
"My advice though is don't step foot in that place in the midst of an argument and def don't go in there until y'all have talked about stuff—preferably in a place neither of you own at the moment if possible." - Kandyxp5
"NTA. You were looking for a shared process, a life event that would further deepen your relationship. Instead, you got a fait accompli. Being upset is a perfectly valid reaction to having that process you were looking forward to get taken away without discussion."
"That he understood your tastes well enough to pick the right house just makes this harder. If it was a bad house, your anger would be straightforward. But it's a good house so you're left with a mix of gratitude and anger. The anger is valid. But you have a choice about what to do with it." - stannenb
"NTA. It sounds like your fiance genuinely thought he was doing something great for you but unfortunately miscalculated how being removed from the decision-making would affect you. A home purchase is a big deal at any time, but especially so for a young couple starting a new life together. It's important for both of you to have agency in that."
"He could have done the leg work and stopped short of making an offer before bringing you into the process. Especially since this marks quite a drastic departure from the life plans you'd mutually agreed upon."
"I don't blame you for being upset but I also get why he's upset that his grand gesture had the opposite of his intended effect. You need to sit down together and talk it out, explain why you were upset and that you appreciate what he wanted to do but make it clear he went about it the wrong way." - ArtlessOne
While the subReddit could understand why the OP was upset about being left out of such an important life decision, they also thought more substantial communication needed to happen if this was someone the OP wanted to spend the rest of their life with.
When their partner was upset with them after days without talking, it probably was because of their reaction to the house, as well as going on radio silence like that, which is never good for a relationship.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.