The hardest thing about planning a wedding is the fact that everyone has an opinion about it.
While the only two people who should really have any say regarding venue, catering, and attire, they will still get plenty of, mostly unwanted, opinions from their inner circle.
Particularly from the soon-to-be in-laws.
Redditor Lth35467 was finding herself increasingly frustrated by her conservative soon-to-be mother-in-law's opinions on her wedding.
Sadly, the original poster (OP)'s frustrations were not helped one bit by her fiancé, who tended to take his mother's side.
Things reached an ultimate boiling point, however, when the OP's fiancé made a remark about the makeup she planned to wear on their big day.
Concerned she didn't handle it as well as she could have, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for calling my Fiancé's delusional for wanting me to let his mom pick my makeup/look for the wedding?"
The OP explained how after being increasingly frustrated by her fiancé's mother's interference with planning her wedding, she reached her breaking point following a remark by her fiancé.
"My fiancé and I are getting married."
"He comes from a conservative family, and his mom has been up in the wedding planning posing as 'supervisor' to oversee and to 'catch & eliminate anything that could be seen as 'offensive'."
"After the wedding dress fiasco (I was told to get a dress that wasn't showing too much skin) came the makeup issue."
"I showed my fiancé some looks I wanted to choose from, and he gasped and said his mom would have a stroke if she saw 'these'."
"I, in frustration, asked what should I do and the next thing I knew but did not expect was for her to send me 'looks' of models with almost no makeup or light makeup."
'No eyeshadow, no glowly lipstick just...plain look."
"I refused to choose from any of her suggestions, and we had an argument."
'My fiancé came home and argued about how I'm planning on humiliating him and family at the wedding by wanting to look like a...'clown' and make a joke out of BOTH of us."
"I snapped and called him delusional to think I'll let his mom get a say in what makeup I should wear since it's my face."
"He said there's no such thing as 'mine' and 'yours' in marriage and that I'm clearly too 'immature' for it."
"He has been avoiding me while saying 'you know why I'm avoiding you...' and his mom sent a text about how she has my best interest at heart.'
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not at all the a**hole for putting her foot down about her makeup.
Everyone agreed it was the fiancé, and not the OP, who was being immature, as well as controlling, with many even urging the OP to question if going through with this wedding was a good idea.
"Do you want to marry his mom, because functionally that's what's happening here?"
"He is showing you he will always look to his mom for what's right and follow her lead."
"If you marry him you are essentially marrying into his mom's standards and ideals because she controls his life."
'Her word will be law in your home, relationship, professional decisions, and with your kids."
"Unless that's what you want for the future, you need to put this engagement on hold and sort out your relationship."
"NTA."- thirdtryisthecharm
"Why are you two getting married?"
"You don't seem to be on the same page about anything?"- StevieB85
"Do.Not.Marry.This.Clown."
"Ever, under any circumstances."
"Love yourself enough to recognize abuse."
"This is 100% the start of a very bad story."
"You will regret the ending."
"NTA."- EntrepreneurAmazing3
"NTA."
"Run like Usain Bolt and never look back."
"If you cave on this, next it'll be 'she's the grandma she has a say in the baby's name', 'she's MY mom she should be in the delivery room', 'my mom thinks that grammar school is better.'… it will never end."- Smoopiebear
"NTA."
"Your fiancé is broken."
"Maybe try to find a new one."- LadyRosy
"He said there's no such thing as 'mine' and 'yours' in marriage and that I'm clearly too 'immature' for it."
"Within NORMAL boundaries yes, this is NOT NORMAL."
"This is a clear indication of how he expects married life to go and I find it odd there haven't been prior warning signs but honey you need to call this off."
"NTA."- ReviewOk929
"Do you really want this to be the rest of your life?"
'Because MIL isn't going to stop being overbearing, especially when your fiancé already doesn't defend you."- Electric_jigsaw
"NTA but also maybe don't marry this person, it sounds like you have very mismatched values, and it's not just his mom that's conservative."
"The fact he thinks wearing makeup would make you look like a clown is worrying to say the least, and if you're having these issues now, they're only going to get worse the further you get into the marriage."
"Plus, his mother is ALWAYS going to try to be in control of you and your relationship, and it doesn't sound like he has any interest in settings boundaries with her, which is a recipe for disaster."- 0silverghost0
"NTA."
"HUGE red flag of life to come."
"If my fiance said those things to me and let his mother have such a heavy hand in dictating wedding, there wouldn't be a wedding."
"RUN don't walk away from this."- mamadachsie
"NTA."
"Run! Run now."
"He's showing you who he is."- judymcjudgerson
"NTA."
"Do not marry this person."
"Do not marry this person."
"Do NOT marry this person."
"Unless you really wanna marry his mom, because that's whose calling all the shots here."
"But seriously."
"Don't marry someone who would call you a clown and an embarrassment."
"You deserve better."- Terytha
"NTA and uhhh are you sure you want to marry this guy?"
"He's siding with his mom instead of his soon-to-be-wife about MAKEUP."
"What's going to happen with all the bigger decisions that are to come when you're married?"
"Yikes."
"If you still want to marry him, just be aware you're marrying him AND his mother because he is certainly not treating you like an equal partner."- _DeadSeaSquirrel
"Oh my god, I laughed involuntarily at the thought of letting his mother pick your makeup and dress for the wedding."
"He is delusional."
"NTA."- rainyreminder
"NTA."
"Leave now before anything is legal."
"This will become your life always having to get his mother's approval or her lurking in the shadows."- Pancakes_pizza
"I'm sorry did he just insinuate that your body will belong to him when you're married?"
"Ummm RUN!"
"Change your phone number!"
"Block!"
"That's honestly scary as f*ck that he just said that."
"RED RED RED RED FLAGS NTA."- dovechocolatebar
"OP, NTA for wanting to make your own choices regarding your wedding look."
"This is normal and should be expected."
"What's not normal or expected is the fact that your fiancé wants his mother to have the final say with everything here, and he clearly values her opinions and feelings over yours."
"Is this what you want your marriage to look like?"
"Do you want your MIL to be making all of your life decisions for you, and to have a husband who always takes her side and doesn't back you up?"- bokatan778
"NTA, but have a serious thought about canceling the wedding."
"This is what your life will be like constantly for decades with a MIL like that and a husband who supports her."- AnonymousWritings
"NTA."
"But welcome to a life of his mother overstepping her boundaries and this dude just going along with it."
"You're third-wheeling in this relationship and deserve better."-TemptingPenguin369
"More red flags than the communist manifesto,"
"NTA, and get out of this relationship, this is just the beginning."- Vintage-Silverbullet
"NTA."
'Get out now."
"While you still can."
"Massive red flags here."- WizardofAmythyst
"If he is this delusional now, before you're married, how bad are things going to get once you're married?"
"Pregnant?"
"Have children?"
"Your face belongs to you."
"Your whole body does too."
"These people are not behaving in an appropriate way at all."
"They are literally the definition of controlling."
"NTA."- TrayMc666
All engaged couples are bound to have a difference of opinion when it comes to planning their wedding.
And the OP's fiancé wasn't entirely wrong in saying 'there's no such thing as 'mine' and 'yours' in marriage.
But he rather missed the point, as that means that couples should find common ground and learn to compromise, not for wives to simply do everything their husbands say.
It's hard not to wonder if the OP's fiancé will be avoiding her for longer than he expected, if she listens to the warnings of the Reddit community and cancels the wedding, that is.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.