Weddings are known for inducing so much stress. The planning and arrangements can take their toll on anyone.
But Redditor MadMOH2710 isn't sure if everything that happens under the stress of planning a wedding is justifiable. The original poster (OP) gets into a fight with her best friend and isn't sure if she overreacted.
So she takes her story to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for some perspective.
OP asks the board:
"AITA for refusing to be my best friend's MOH after she told me my fiancé is not invited to the wedding???"
Why does OP's friend not want OP's fiancé at the wedding?
"I've been dating my fiancé for 10 years and we're expecting a baby which is due in March. We'll elope before the baby arrives for legal reasons but we'll do it in January so we'll be able to organise a small party for family and close friends, no more than 20 people."
"My best friend and her future husband will be invited though."
"So straight to the point. My best friend is getting married in a month. She's been with her fiancé for a year and they got engaged within 6 months."
"Personally that's too rushed in my opinion but that's her life so if she believes this is the right man this is her decision."
"Once they got engaged around April, she asked me to be her MOH. She then started telling me the plans about how she plans on having a huge celebration with 200+ guests (vaccination rates are very high in my country and most restrictions are eased since cases are also very low)."
"Naturally I assumed my fiancé would be invited, my best friend has known him for 10 years and they're also friendly. Most of our friends are married so their spouses get an automatic invite."
Here's where things go wrong.
"I assumed my fiancé would be invited too but my bff decided to notify me that he's not invited, literally yesterday during a chat we had and I told her about the suit my fiancé bought. She told me 'Ummm I never told you X is invited though?', I asked her what she meant by that."
"She said that only married and long term couples are invited to the wedding. I reminded her, I'm engaged to that man, we're expecting a kid together and I've been with him for 10 years, while we're also planning to get eloped in few months."
"She objected and said she didn't invite him because she doesn't see our relationship as valid if it took us so long to make our relationship legal and how if we've been waiting 10 years to take the next step then our relationship bond is probably not that strong. Told her that that's not her decision to make and she doesn't get to decide whether my relationship is valid or not."
"She insisted on her decision and said 'I'll not invite him, I decide who comes and who doesn't, and since I don't think your relationship is as strong as it should be, you may break up soon and I don't want an ex existing in my wedding pictures. Accept it or leave, I am not in a mood to deal with that drama'."
"I told her she's being ridiculous assuming that we might break up based on her bizarre beliefs and reminded her I've been with that man for 10 years while she's been with her man for less than one year and she is ridiculous for thinking she can dictate who's serious and who isn't."
"I told her I'm dropping the moh role because I refuse to be disrespected like that and told her she can search for someone new to torture but not me."
"Our mutual friends have told me I'm TA for dropping out of the wedding and how I should respect the bride's decision. I respect it but I won't be a part of it. AITA????"
OP is understandably upset, but her friend gets to choose who to invite to her wedding or not, right? Is OP at fault for dropping out of the wedding?
To find out, Reddit commenters judge OP by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
OP's friend has some strange ideas over what makes a solid relationship or not. While she's more than allowed to choose who comes to her wedding, she shouldn't be surprised that OP doesn't want to participate anymore.
Redditors agreed that OP doesn't owe her friend anything in this situation.
"NTA- Holy sh** that's a bridezilla and a terrible friend. Like seriously, who does that to your supposedly best friend, honestly after that kind of disrespect I'm surprised your still going to the wedding." – DeathGP
"I don't think I'll go after this. If I go I'll attend for a couple of hours for the sake of it and then leave." - MadMOH2710 (OP)
"NTA"
"She sounds like an idiot who may have a secret issue with your fiance."
"She has the right to her opinion, and you have the right to yours. She can't expect you to accept the bullsh** excuse that after 10+ years of commitment, her piece of paper validates her relationship more than yours." - curious_seahorse1
"Wow, big NTA. By this account, she seems to have some different motive for not wanting your fiance to come but does not want to admit the true reason."
"She backpetaled when you pointed out that you are in a long term relationship. She is not being a good friend, and ultimately a wedding should be celebrating the people in your life."
"This is speculation, but I wonder if she wants a single MOH to ensure all concentration from you is on her and the wedding? Or, more spiralling and worse speculation, I wonder if she's projecting her insecurities? Neither of these your place to say, but both do happen." – cheltsie
"NTA. I was ready to say YTA until I heard the brides reasoning."
"I can pretty much guarantee that you'll still be with your fiancé when she's burning those wedding photos after her divorce."
"I'm a firm believer that the couple should decide who is invited to their wedding but that doesn't mean she gets to trash your relationship which personally I think she is only doing to justify how quickly she is getting married.
"Sounds like she's very insecure but you are better off far away from someone like that!" - Suspicious_Safety_45
It may be little consolation for OP that internet strangers think she's right. She still has to deal with the possible fallout from her fight with her friend.
OP can at least take solace in her stable relationship.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.