People process loss in many different ways.
Some grieve longer than others, and some grieving the loss of a significant other move on more quickly than others.
And, as we know, there is no right or wrong way to grieve the loss of a loved one.
But how does one know when they're ready to move on... or, even as importantly, when they're not.
A man on Reddit decided to postpone his wedding after his fiancée demanded that photos of her late husband be included in their wedding day festivities, so he turned to the "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
The Redditor asked:
"AITAH for postponing our wedding because my fiance wants to have pictures of her late husband in it?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My fiance and I have been together for about 3 years."
"We got engaged 6 months ago."
"We were doing some planning and she mentioned 'Where do you think [late husband's name] Pic could go?'"
"I was confused, and asked her to clarify."
"She said she wants her late husband's picture at the wedding, she went into more detail, at my request."
"She wants one of the bridesmaids to hold his picture during the ceremony. As well as having his Pic on our table."
"And when taking Pics, she wants to hold him in most pictures."
"I told her that I didn't want that, and while I understand he's important to her, I'd feel uncomfortable with his pictures in our wedding, especially when they're so prominent."
"We got into a fight and she yelled 'I can't believe you're jealous! He's f**king dead! What, do you think I'm gonna f**k him at our wedding?'"
"I decided to postpone the wedding, and honestly, I'm thinking of calling it off all together."
Redditors weighed in on the situation and overwhelmingly decided OP is not the a**hole (NTA).
Most believe that his fiancée is not yet over her late husband, and postponing - even cancelling - the wedding is the right move.
"Ok...I'm a widow of 12 years and this just isn't right."
"I understand she may want a memory of him with her but...pictures of him in pictures of you two is just wrong on many levels!!"
"There are many inconspicuous ways of having him with her."
"You are 100% right for postponing your wedding and possibly canceling it too."
"My thoughts are she isn't ready to move on yet."
"Why I don't know she needs some counseling to find out or some deep soul searching." - Kep63
"NTA- that is an extreme request."
"It is way overboard."
"She is not ready to marry you." - DuePromotion287
"NTA."
"A wedding is supposed to be a celebration of things to be, not of dead spouses." - Nightwish1976
"NTA. This is weird."
"We had a memorial table in the entrance of our reception for photos of deceased loved ones."
"I don't think it would be odd or disrespectful to have a memorial table and include her dead partner there."
"But wanting his photo to be held by a bridesmaid, photographed in your couple's photos, and placed at the head table is a lot." - FactBearsEatBeetss
"NTA"
"She is not ready to marry you."
"After 3 years, she may never be ready." - gastropod43
"NTA."
"I've heard of honoring dead parents but not dead spouses..." - NotShockedFruitWeird
"NTA… it'd be one thing to have a candle lit for him or something, but to make the start of your union be all about him is a huge red flag 🚩"
"The fact that she doesn't care about your feelings in the matter is also a red flag… yikes" - WaryScientist
"NTA."
"Call it off and thank karma for showing you this and GTFO." - Free-Place-3930
"NTA. Please call this wedding off now."
"Your fiance is obviously not over greiving her first husband and does not value your feelings."
"Her insensitivity is staggering."
"There are times and places to honour a lost love one, her wedding to another man is not one of them." - Equivalent-Gap5844
"That's honestly pretty f**ked up."
"NTA."
"I would be fine with his pictures in the house, time set aside to remember him, maintaining relationships with his family, all that, but a wedding is about... like... that relationship."
"Not the old one."
"The groom shouldn't feel like the #2 man to anyone, let alone the dead ex."
"I'd be hella uncomfortable." - Longwinded_Ogre
"I have to add my 2 cents here… NTA."
"My husband was the absolute love of my life, and he passed in 2016."
"I have lived with my SO for 5 years now and I love him very much."
"We plan to get married someday… But here's the thing."
"He respects my husband and my husband's place in my life… just as I respect him and his place in my life."
"I would NEVER do something like your fiance is doing… "
"She clearly doesn't have any open space for you."
"She is too consumed with her dead husband."
"Calling your wedding off seems like your only option."
"She needs to heal and find herself again before she can give herself to a new partner." - Personal_Conflict_49
"Do NOT marry this woman."
"She shouldn't even be in a relationship with another man right now."
"She needs time, healing, and likely therapy before she's ready to be in a romantic relationship." - Living_Programmer_61
"NTA. She's not ready to remarry yet." - Open-Incident-3601
"NTA. Til death do we part. They parted."
"Your wedding day is supposed to be about saying to everyone you care about, 'this is the one and only person for me' not 'these are the two people for me, but this is the only one I get to keep' or 'this is a photo of my first choice and here is my second choice in the tux.'"
"I would tell her that you would be happy to recreate a photo from her first wedding and then hang both photos next to each other in your house, but that while he is a part of her life, he is not a part of your wedding day." - Big_Zucchini_9800
"I'm a Grief Counsellor, and this sort of behavior is one of the Red Flags we're trained to watch for."
"Your fiance is not far enough along in processing her grief to be ready for another serious relationship."
"And since the two of you have been together for three years, she should be."
"If I was dealing with your fiance, I would have referred her to a Therapist because she's in need of serious help."
"Her late husband should have no part in your wedding because if he was still around, you wouldn't be getting married."
"This isn't about you being jealous, but about her not having let him go enough to move on."
"Postpone, yes, but if she doesn't get help, you're going to have to cancel the wedding, or else you'll be the third wheel in her relationship with the memory of her first husband." - RevKyriel
"Pics, empty chairs, and memorials at weddings are for people you wish could have attended to celebrate with you both."
"Late spouses do not fit into that category."
"Asking for his picture there tells me she's not ready to remarry."
"Cancel the wedding and get into couples counseling."
"You both need to be on the same page."
"NTA. Weddings are not appropriate places to display pics of previous partners, late or otherwise." - SpaceJesusIsHere
"Absolutely, move on."
"She's hung up on her dead husband."
"You will never be able to match him."
"Even in death."
"Huge red flag NTA." - Main_Laugh_1679
"So I'm not sure how much credit my post will hold, but I'm speaking from the viewpoint of a widow."
"She's not ready yet to move forward with her deceased husband."
"I'm very much at that same point (husband died January 2024), and because I'm not ready to move forward yet completely, I refuse to put another potential love through that hell."
"It's not fair to them."
"Remembering and keeping the old love is a good thing, but she needs to make it to the point I'm reaching."
"Our old lives and loves are gone, away like a cool summer breeze."
"We need to acknowledge that and know that the new love will be entirely different in so many different ways that will be needed in the healing process."
"NTAH, but I wouldn't call it off completely until you sit down with her and explain why this is hurting you and the fact she needs to walk forward WITH his memory, not remain chained to it for the rest of her life."
"Trust me, I'm working through very much the same thing, save I'm doing it alone to save any potential relationships I make the pain of my grief."
"Only a handful of truly good people in this world can handle people as broken as us" - TorJames2005
"I lost my first wife to cancer after six years of marriage."
"I'm remarried now and would have never considered having an image of my first wife displayed during any part of the wedding."
"We even had members of my late wife's family at our wedding, but it was only our wedding and not a memorial."
"As a small tribute to my late wife, I wore the wedding band she gave me on my right hand."
"There is a ton of survivor guilt involved, and there are healthy ways to deal with it."
"This is not it." - shiny_brine
According to his fellow Redditors, it sounds like OP made the right choice by postponing the wedding and should not feel guilty for doing so.
Hopefully, OP's fiancée finds a healthy way to manage and process her grief so she can be part of a healthy relationship again.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.