When two people enter a relationship, that's usually a sign of their compatibility. But just because they click doesn't mean their extended network will.
They may not like each other's friends, or their friends may not like each other.
But is that cause to end friendships?
A wife who dislikes her husband's friend turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Careful_Stand_415 asked:
"AITA for telling my husband I don't want him spending so much time with his friend anymore?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (40, female) have been married to my husband (40, male) for 12 years. We have two kids (ages 8 and 12), and overall, our family life is pretty great. However, there's one issue that's been bothering me for a while now, and I only recently expressed it to my husband."
"My husband's friend, Mark, recently moved to our city and lives nearby. They probably haven't seen each other in almost a decade."
"They were close friends in college, but after graduating, they went their separate ways and didn't speak much. I've only recently gotten to know Mark, and I have only met him a few times with my husband."
"Here is the best way I can describe Mark. He is the same age as us, but acts as if he is still in college. He's loud, brash, and has this 'I'm living the dream' attitude that's way too self-absorbed for my liking."
"He works in finance and is financially successful, which he loves to remind everyone about. He drives a flashy car, wears expensive clothes, and assumes he's what everyone dreams to be."
"Essentially, he's like a 'finance bro' who has freshly graduated college, except 40 years old."
"Another thing is, he's been divorced twice. Not that going through a divorce is an issue. According to Mark, both marriages ended because of 'irreconcilable differences,' but honestly, it feels like Mark just doesn't take relationships seriously."
"Mark has kids as well, son and a daughter. He talks about his daughter a lot, but it's mostly complaints about how she's 'becoming more like her mom' (his ex-wife). He says it in a way that makes it sound like a bad thing, as if the mom has somehow 'ruined' her."
"Mark has never disrespected me directly (he barely spoke to me), but it's the overall vibe he gives off that bothers me.
"My husband's behavior hasn't changed since meeting him, but a lot of times when my husband comes home, he has this carefree attitude, as if Mark has brought the 'youth' out in him."
"Sometimes I feel like it's a version of him that I have never met. There is no issue doing this once in a while, but my husband meets Mark easily 3-4 times a month."
"Eventually, I expressed my concern to my husband. I told him I really don't like how often they go out drinking, and that Mark seems very immature."
"I just don't want my husband picking up traits from him."
"My husband responded by saying how he also doesn't like my friend Claire, but doesn't complain about me hanging out with her. Apart from Claire being blunt and opinionated, she isn't a bad influence and is also married with 3 kids."
"I don't want to make it seem like I'm trying to control who my husband hangs out with, but his friend Mark is just not a good influence at all."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I told my husband about how I don't like his friend and that he shouldn't spend time with him."
"I may have come off as trying to control who my husband sees and who he doesn't. I don't want to control his friendships."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously declared the OP was the a**hole (YTA).
"You do seem to be trying to control who your husband hangs out with. I understand not liking Mark. From your description, I also don't like Mark. But right now, all your husband has done is hang out with a friend he hadn't seen much of recently."
"If he's neglecting you and the kids or his other responsibilities, that's one thing, but you didn't mention that."
"YTA. Your husband is an adult. Trust him to be one, and let him spend time with his friend." ~ Khabuem
"So, OP, I'm gonna go on the information presented. You have to let go of the 'Mark is immature and a bad influence' line. Your husband is right, and he may think that Claire's bluntness and opinionated nature make HER a bad influence."
"The question is, do your husband's outings with Mark come at the expense of commitments to you and your two kids, or to his responsibilities to the household? If your husband is going out drinking once a week while you NEVER get a day off, you have a beef."
"If he's skipping out on a commitment to take the 8-year-old to soccer practice to go drinking, you have a beef. If he's stopped planning 'date nights' with you in favor of outings with Mark, you have a beef."
"But if he's still your loving husband and father who wants to go out once a week with his friend and comes home carefree and happy, where's your beef?"
"You say you think Mark is not a good influence, but you also say your husband's behavior hasn't changed. Again, where's your beef?" ~ Constant_Host_3212
"I actually had to re-read the sentence where she said they hang out 3-4 times a MONTH, because I thought I misread it the first time. I came to this post expecting OP to say her husband is out late with his buddy every night."
"Then to see her say she's bothered by the fact that he comes home carefree and happy, like he's supposed to just be miserable at home with OP 24/7 instead‽‽"
"I think OP's real concern here is that hanging out with Mark will make her husband realize what he's missing in his life and that he could actually be happy again if he divorced her."
"And I think it's really ironic that she's over here worried that her husband will 'pick up bad traits' (WTF is he, a puppy‽) from Mark, but COMPLETELY dismisses the fact that she clearly shares the same a**hole traits as her friend that her husband doesn't like."
"So why does he have to give up his friendship while OP just blows off his concerns about her friend's behavior?"
"YTA, OP. Your husband is allowed to have friends outside of you." ~ QualityParticular739
"YTA. You said it hasn't affected your husband's personality or how he treats you, so let him have his idiot friend!" ~ Bearmancartoons
"YTA. You literally said it bothers you when he comes home happy."
"Your husband is literally bothered by a friend of yours and you completely dismissed it."
"This guy said his daughter is 'becoming more like her mom'—which is not a complaint by the way, it's just possibly something he notices. My son is more like my wife every day and I love that about him."
"You seem like an unhappy person."
By the way—that your friend Claire is married with kids does not make her a good influence. It seems more like her 'blunt and opinionated' attitude has rubbed off on you and gave you a bad influence." ~ Dry_Topic_7333
"I was expecting her to say 'they hang out daily' or something along those lines, not 3-4 times a f*cking month. I was also expecting some big personality changes, not him coming home f*cking carefree and happy that he hung out with his friend." ~ BensenJensen
"You are COMPLETELY in the wrong here. Re-read what you wrote. You come off as very controlling. You just don't like the guy, that's OK."
"I am sure there are plenty of people your husband hasn't liked besides Claire. And you say divorce is not an issue, yet you state that Claire is married with 3 kids, like it's OK for her being blunt and opiniated."
"Frankly, your husband should be commended for the way he handled that. You didn't mention him yelling or anything. He simply stated that your opinionated friend is equally annoying to him."
"Say what you seem to be implying. This rich, not married guy will attract women when at the bar and you are worried about your husband. If that's not the case, then kindly get off the man's back.
"Let him be with his friend. YTA!!!!!" ~ RiddLA311
"It sounds like you want him to be miserable. YTA." ~ suchstuffmanythings
"YTA. Remind yourself that you're his wife and not his mother. Your husband is a big boy! He can tie his own shoes & choose his own friends." ~ Catcher_Mama
"He sees his friend 3 or 4 times a month? THE MONSTER!" ~ medium_buffalo_wings
"And he's carefree when he gets home! Won't anybody think of the kids! Oh, the humanity." ~ IrishDaveInCanada
"Are you entirely sure you're not just jealous seeing Mark elicit a level of happiness from your husband that he doesn't get from being around you? I remember being like this in my 20s."
"I didn't have any REAL reasons to dislike my then-boyfriend's friends other than 'I don't like seeing how much happier & carefree he is with them and never myself'. I recognized eventually this is immature & insecure behavior."
"Allow people to change & grow. Soft YTA because he's not your child to be policing his adult friends, especially if it hasn't caused him to mistreat you." ~ diko-l
While her husband's friend Mark may not be her cup of tea, she doesn't have to spend time with him. But that doesn't mean her husband shouldn't have the opportunity to.
If she keeps Claire, her husband should probably get to keep Mark.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.