Compromise and accommodation is part of all healthy relationships. But is compensation?
If one partner gives something up for the other, should they expect to be compensated?
A man turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback on his relationship with his ex.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—like this post. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Opening-Public-8201 asked:
"AITAH for not giving my ex-girlfriend any money after we broke up?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So my ex (28, female) and I (30, male) were together for about 2 years. We broke up a couple months ago on good terms, no drama, no cheating, just felt like we were heading in different directions."
"Thing is she moved to the US from overseas to be with me, and when she did, she left a lot behind including dropping out of school. While we were together I paid for pretty much everything."
"I mean rent, bills, her car lease, her tuition, visa stuff, etc... I was in a position to do it because I had come into a good amount of money through investments and inheritance and a gambling win that set me for life."
"And I never minded covering things while we were together. And she wasn't working because I was happy for her to run the home."
"She never worked while she lived here—we always kind of treated it like 'my money is our money', but only in the sense that I was happy to support us."
"Now that we've split, she's asking if I'd be open to giving her a financial settlement to 'recognise what she gave up for me'. Like she feels she should be compensated for the time and sacrifices she made."
"To be clear, I didn't ask her to drop out or move, she chose to and I supported her the whole time."
"I do feel bad that she's now in a rough spot, but at the same time, we're not married and I don't think I owe her money just because we broke up."
"AITAH for saying no?"
Some Redditors weighed in using the voting acronyms from AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not financially responsible for their ex, although some suggested covering her trip home.
"Perhaps fund the ticket to return her to her home." ~ DamiaSugar
"I agree. Just give her some money in honour of her making some sacrifices. If you love a person and it wasn't a horrible breakup, just honour them with a final favour, whether its making sure they are up on their feet okay or at home with their family." ~ Certain_Silver6524
"OP paid for everything while she was here. Seems like he's given her enough money." ~ bino0526
"Exactly. It was HER idea NOT to pursue her own course in life while here. I'm a woman and I get so annoyed when other women act like it's a boyfriend's responsibility to financially support them."
"Women are NOT cute little fuzzy kittens who need to be protected and provided for. Like we don't have brains. Sheesh."
"No OP is not responsible for a financial settlement. People date to determine if marriage is a reality. It didn't work out. No parting gifts required." ~ Enough_Radish_9574
"I wouldn't agree with a guy moving oversees and giving up his job/stability for me unless I was gonna at least buy him a ticket home if it didn't work out." ~ cutegolpnik
"Except she is probably not allowed to work as part of her visa requirements. That leaves her in a very tough situation. What could she do to even afford to go home if she can't work? How can she pursue her own course in life if she legally isn't allowed to?" ~ OurCagedWorld
"Agreed, like NTA for OP, she's not entitled to anything, but as OP stated, she gave up everything for love, at least fly her home." ~ Leg-Novel
"The only thing I'd have been willing to do before she even asked, would've been to pay for her flight to her home country."
"What I will say is though, you built an environment for her where she was handed everything. So it's not surprising she's asking." ~ Plus_Competition3316
"See this is why you don't give up everything for someone you're not gonna marry... NTA." ~ EntertainmentClean99
"*Don't give up everything for someone you're not ALREADY married to. Probably this girl thought she was going to marry OP eventually. Nothing is guaranteed, people shouldn't make dumb financial decisions without legal protections." ~ whattheheckOO
"Well, you know, when these stories work out, it is deemed as brave and romantic to have taken the risk. When they don't, the person made a dumb decision. Two sides, same coin." ~ sparkling_onion
"Even if you're going to marry, never give everything up for someone else and never be dependent on someone else."
"There's a huge difference between being able to rely on a partner if things get rough, and to know that you will always have your partner's support and be dependent on said partner."
"It's never a good idea to be dependent on that partner. This world is full of people who stay in unhappy and abusive relationships because they're dependent on their partners and have no way to leave and support themselves." ~ Inevitable_Block_144
"Even if your partner doesn't leave you or cheat or anything, what if they die? What if they get really sick and can't support you anymore? All sorts of reasons that being dependent on someone is a bad idea." ~ arebum
"Yeah, and life happens. My husband has been the primary breadwinner, but recently was diagnosed with cancer."
"I'm glad I kept working even though I didn't really have to, because I have had to support our family for about 8 months now. If I had completely relied on him and stopped working, we'd have been screwed."
"Absolutely ALWAYS have a backup plan, because you never know if someone might leave, get sick/injured, or die and you absolutely need to be able to take care of yourself." ~ OddFiction
"If he was the one that convinced her to move here he'd probably be somewhat responsible for her, at the very least he'd need to help get her back home. But if it was her idea, then that was her decision and he's not responsible for it." ~ RageBeast82
"ESH: first off what were the two of you thinking? You really thought you could have this woman move overseas, not work, take care of your home, and then just walk away if you decided you didn't like it anymore?"
"Even if she can work with the visa she's on, that's a hell of a position to put someone in and a hell of a position she put herself in. Both of you should have thought about this as a possible outcome and had a plan. Her not having any financial independence was a huge risk for both of you."
"Second, if you imagine for a minute that her taking care of the home was her 'job' then it's reasonable that she would be entitled to a severance package."
"Third, IF you were married, this is a textbook example of why alimony exists."
"Because she wasn't actually employed and you weren't married you're right you don't owe her anything nor are you obligated to give her anything. But man..."
"I hope you both learn from this experience. At the very least help her get home and/or find stability. You don't need to support her completely or long term, but to say you don't owe her anything is harsh." ~ Sea_Dot_1765
"I'm reluctantly going with NAH rather than NTA as I'm wondering exactly how reliable you are as a narrator. Reddit loves to jump on people who appear to be leeching off their partner—often justifiably so—and you've certainly phrased your post to pose her in that light."
"But I do wonder: did she choose not to work or was she unable to due to visa restrictions? Yes, she made the choice to leave her home without a safety net and that was unwise."
"But does 'happy to support her' maybe translate to multiple conversations where you assured her you were planning on marriage (and a visa that would enable her to continue to study and work) and pressure to move because you absolutely had enough for both of you and you were building a life together?"
"You're not obligated to pay anything. But, if any of the above is true, the kind thing to do would be to at least pay for her flights and other expenses to help her get back on her feet."
"She did make a much bigger sacrifice for your relationship which you were happy to reap the benefits of."
"She is now also the one paying a much higher price for the breakup, and having to unravel her whole life after 2 years (which, in my experience, is just about how much time it takes to feel settled after an international move)." ~ MorningLanky3192
"NTA. It's icky for her to even ask. Let grown adults do the grown adult thing." ~ moderatenormal
The OP hasn't provided any updates, so it's unknown what decision he made.
Hopefully one he can live with.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.