A woman agreed to a living arrangement involving her mom and step-father that seemed to go well at first.
But when things took a turn for the worst that she didn’t expect to happen, she gave an ultimatum that led her feeling conflicted.
So she visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Similar_Dig2585 asked:
“AITA for putting my foot down and charging rent when my stepdad started trying to tell me what to do in my own house?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My stepdad (55m[ale]) has been married to my mom (52 f[female]) about 5 years. They were doing alright but hit hard times and eventually had their house foreclosed on.”
“So they moved in with me (27 f[female]). They’ve been living here for about 2 or 3 months now. And it’s been going ok until last week ish.”
“Also, my stepdad has been working a part time job but has not had full time employment since then.”
The OP continued:
“Anyways, I feel like some of the issues started since I’ve been on vacation, which I have for 2 weeks.”
“Sometime during the first few days, he saw me heading out and made some sort of comments regarding my outfit. He said the shorts were too short and that I should reconsider. We fought about it back and forth until I just decided to leave because I was tired of reasoning with him anymore.”
“He’s been making a lot of these commments in various times and various different ways (eg skirt or shorts are too short, your belly is showing etc etc).”
“I’ve told him to stop and he says ok and then starts up again. I can’t say I understand. I think the straw that broke the camel’s back for me was when I had my bf over.”
“I’ve told my mom about it as well and she said that she doesn’t support it but that this is a dispute him and I need to solve.”
The OP broke down how things went downhill from there.
“He stayed til maybe 10:30 – 11 pm and left. My stepdad didn’t say anything while he was here, but he emotionally imploded after he left.”
“He said that it’s wrong to have guys over this late and to be in my room with them alone. He said that we don’t stand for these things in our house.”
“I responded to him that he can stand for whatever he wants in his house, maybe even in a hypothetical our house, but he can’t tell me what to do in my house.”
“I told him that the days of him making unsolicited comments at me need to end.”
So the OP took the following next steps she thought needed to happen.
“On top of that, I told him that from here on out I’m charging $400 a month rent with a month to month agreement. On top of that, if he continues to make comments, this agreement is over and he’ll be out of the house as soon as I am able to make it happen.”
“My mom was upset at first about it, but I was able to calm her down. First, I told her that she told me that it was up to us how to solve this dispute and this is how I’ve decided to solve it.”
“Secondly, I told her that he’s been staying a while, and starting to charge rent would make my life a bit easier for as long as he stays. She was a bit more amenable to that second point.”
“Stepdad is just overall quite pissy. He hasn’t told my mom or I his thoughts on the arrangement since he yelled at me about it the night of our big argument but he is just generally ignoring me when he can.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA- I think your BF needs to come over A LOT more. I think you need to assert your dominance over YOUR home each & every day. If they get too comfortable, they won’t be incentivized to get their own place.” – SuperSherry813
“He’s acting like the dad of a teenager, and not only are you not a teenager, he is not even your dad, nor is in he in his house. This is a great solution. I think you need to start talking with them about their plans to move back out on their own. This can clearly not be a permanent situation. NTA.” – fiestafan73
“NTA. When I was 22, my parents came to visit. I was sitting in the living room with my feet on the coffee table. My mom (a wonderful person) said, ‘If that was my coffee table, you wouldn’t have your feet on it.’ I said ‘good thing it’s not your coffee table.'”
“She never said another word about what I did in my home. Your stepdad needs to understand that he doesn’t get to make rules in your home. Period.” – Odd_Task8211
“I realize his ego is shot by not being able to provide for himself, but choosing to begin parenting a grown woman he didn’t raise is creepy AF.”
“His comments are only about your body. Why is this how he is exerting control? Why does your mother choose to see herself as not involved when she is why he is in your home?”
“I think you had a mild reaction. NTA.” – concretism
“Sounds like you’ve got a classic case of ‘I’m the parent in my house, but now I’m a guest in yours, and it’s causing some tension’ syndrome. Hopefully, charging rent will help ease the situation; if not, it will cover some expenses. Good luck!” – SweetnessMelody
“I would have kicked him out, the audacity to scold you over shorts when he can’t even keep a roof over his own goddamn head.”
“Reconsider accepting rent as that likely means he’ll have rights in your home, instead of being just a houseguest.”
“NTA.” – zanne54
“OP, you really do need to think about this. The entitlement he is showing over your body, your choices, and your sexual autonomy, is creepy and should make you wildly and sincerely uncomfortable. How dare he think he has any right to police your behaviour in your own home, specifically on gender and sexual grounds? That’s something you would say to a child, a pet, or someone you feel a sense of authority, ownership or control over, not your landlord.”
“It’s a MASSIVE red flag that you and your mom didn’t immediately clock the controlling mentality and gender dynamics here… makes me worried how much else you’re missing about this man who is living with you. I’m not trying to scare you, exactly, but it is tripping all sorts of warning bells in my mind and I think it should have tripped at least a few more in your mind as well.”
“For it to have gotten this far is really not good. You told him to stop, and he didn’t. He clearly doesn’t respect your ‘no’ as much as he respects his right to decide for you what is appropriate. That should ring the alarm bells loudly and clearly.” – sprtnlawyr
“NTA.”
“I would have evicted him (but not mom) on the spot. He is not your father. He is a guest in your home. He has zero right to say anything to you besides please and thank you.”
“Next time he ‘implodes’, kick him the f**k out. I would do this, because I am an a**hole when it comes to dealing with abusive people.”
“Surreptitiously, he packs up some of his clothes into a trash bag. Put the trash bag in your car, closed with duct tape.”
“next time he implodes, say ‘this is stressing mom out, let’s go for a drive’. Frankly, I would give him reason to implode in the afternoon/early evening and add ‘I need to deliver some stuff just out of town and I could use your help with it anyway’. It’s an old friend’s stuff you were hanging on to. You don’t feel safe. And once you’re in the car, agree with everything he says and promise to change.”
“Drive about 25 miles out of town. Arrive at a motel. Would he please get the trash bag out of the trunk and bring it to the front desk? They are expecting it.”
“DRIVE AWAY”
“Text him that he has been evicted and your mom will be bringing him the rest of his stuff at her convenience. Inform him you will consider it trespassing if he shows up at your place and will call the police and seek a protective order. Then block his number.”
“Back home, tell mom you’ve evicted him, and he’s at XYZ motel. Change the locks. If she doesn’t like it, drop her off at the motel.”
“Cut that man out of your life. He has no respect for you or your mother to behave as he does in YOUR home. He is not ever going to dial it down and suddenly back off. He is an abuser!” – eatingganesha
Overall, Redditors were concerned for her safety and they absolutely agreed that the OP charging rent was warranted after taking advantage of free rent and being disrespectful in her home.
Hopefully, tensions don’t escalate between the OP and her stepfather.