I definitely have a retail voice for in-person interactions and a customer service voice for phone calls. I don't recall ever consciously choosing to alter my voice patterns, but I'm aware I do it.
And I've observed the behavior in most of my retail or customer service helpline coworkers as well. So apparently it's a fairly common occurrence.
But what about developing a different voice for your social interactions?
I've seen this happen with people in new romantic relationships or who are trying to find a romantic partner by pitching their voices higher or lower, employing baby talk or a sultry voice, or using techniques like vocal fry.
A friend who called out their friend's "fake" voice turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Puzzleheaded_Bug2363 asked:
"AITA for outing my friend that her baby voice isn't her normal voice?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I have a friend that I'm really close to that has social anxiety, so she hasn't been out with my friends before."
"She finally decided to come with us, which was exciting, but she spoke completely differently."
"I don't know how to explain it, but she was talking in a baby voice? Or maybe an anime voice?"
"She just sounded not like herself at all. She sounded like, 12 years old."
"When she went to the bathroom, my friends immediately asked me why she sounds like that."
"One of my friends said, 'She sounds so young, WTF'. Another said, 'No one sounds like that, she's clearly faking it for some reason'."
"I admitted that yes, she was faking it, which was obvious. But I wasn't sure why she was talking like that."
"There were guys there that I'm friends with. Maybe she has a crush? Or just nervous? No idea."
"But after the hangout, I asked her why she was talking like that and she played dumb. She said 'I was talking differently? Sometimes I act different around different people'."
"I said it wasn't just that, she sounded young, way younger than she is. She said it was just something she was trying out and that she hopes no one noticed."
"I said of course they noticed, I told them that wasn't your real voice."
"She got upset at this and said I shouldn't have told them that. I told her, girl, everyone knows you're faking the voice."
"My saying it doesn't do anything, they all know. But she's mad at me."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I told my friends that she was faking her voice. She feels like I outed her and is upset."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA for bringing it to her attention, but with friends like you, who needs friends? As someone with social anxiety, I can totally understand trying to be anyone but yourself in new/scary social situations."
"Not saying your friend made the best choice in the moment, but sometimes we're all weird and awkward and do the wrong thing. Maybe it was an accident at first and she got embarrassed and committed to the bit, or maybe she just made an uncomfortable social choice."
"Changing your voice like this is super common in neurodivergent folks, so that may be something to keep in mind. Maybe if something like this happens again, you could try phrasing your feedback like this:"
"'Hey friend I know that this is a lot of new social interaction, but I hope you know I'd never invite you around people you wouldn't vibe with once we all get comfortable with each other!'."
"'If you're feeling nervous always feel free to take a moment to yourself, (not gonna lie, I pretend to smoke in new social situations sometimes so that I can go get a minute alone outside if I'm overwhelmed) and we can have a signal to say "I need OUT" if it's too much too fast'."
"'I enjoy your company so much and I know these friends will too. I hope you don't feel the need to mask too much around these folks because they're going to love getting to know you as you are!'."
"So like, yeah, NTA for bringing it to her attention, but for sure not a good friend moment on your part either. It's cool to be kind and to cover your friends' asses when they're being anxious little weirdos." ~ Rare_Ad482
"If it was so obvious that everyone knew she was faking it, there's really no place for you to retreat to without sounding disingenuous yourself."
"Is she from the Elizabeth Holmes school of 'fake your voice and affectations and pretend that nobody knows when they clearly all knew right away'?"
"NTA. You didn't out her—her voice was so obviously not real that she outed herself. You just didn't lie for her, nor should you have." ~ baka-tari
"NTA. Using that type of voice is usually for attention (i.e. all those 'anime uwu' gamer girls). Baby voice is weird, especially if it was because she had a crush."
"Yeah, I mask my social anxiety by occasionally changing my voice, but I usually force a confident tone to come off as confident. When I'm anxious, I don't want more people paying attention to me or thinking I'm some sort of baby."
"This was not an act of anxiety, this was attention-seeking." ~ g0thl0ser_
"She didn't tell you in advance she wanted you to cover up for her, and you didn't choose to lie to your friends. Nothing wrong with that."
"She's a lil' bit of an a**hole for getting mad at you, so NTA instead of NAH." ~ ieya404
"NTA. I get people with social anxiety may do stuff like that to help them cope with their anxiety, but she also shouldn't expect you to lie for her."
"And, not to be rude, but trying to sound like a 12-year-old is kinda f*cking creepy. Like, what does she mean she hopes no one noticed?" ~ Sufficient-Berry-827
"I mean NTA, but let's be real—we all have a voice we use for meeting strangers or when we're working. Mine gets higher pitched and I drag out my words a little more."
"It's not a thing I do purposefully. Once I get more comfy I start using my more normal voice."
"I'm an anxious person and I don't do well talking to people. Like I can have a conversation, but I'm awkward as hell." ~ B_schlegelii
"NTA, I mean were you supposed to deny reality? BUT, you could always try a different approach to really get at the heart of why she did it."
"The high pitched kiddie voice might have been her trying to make herself smaller in a situation that scared her. It may have even started unconciously from that.
"If you feel the need to smooth this over with her, you can always present it as 'Hey, we would love to see your authentic self! Changing your voice made us realize that we probably weren't getting that'." ~ spacesatsuma
"This reminds me of Jennifer Garner in 13 Going on 30, where she's a 13 year old in a 30-year-old's body. She had this super high-pitched young girl voice that sounded ridiculous, but honestly it's annoying."
"When I was in high school, a lot of the girls around me would do that and try to act innocent, because they were trying to be sexy. Now I look back and it's gross."
"Either way, someone was going to point it out if it wasn't you. NTA." ~ Background_Ruin_3631
"NTA. It sounds like you were in a tricky situation. You're not an AH for being honest, but maybe the way you approached it could have been more sensitive."
"Your friend was likely using that voice as a coping mechanism for her social anxiety, and outing her in front of your other friends probably made her feel exposed and embarrassed."
"Instead of calling her out directly in front of everyone, it might have been better to talk to her privately about why she felt the need to use that voice and let her know that she doesn't have to change herself to fit in. Everyone has their quirks, and she probably just needed reassurance that she could be herself around your friends without judgment."
"So, while your intentions might not have been bad, the way you handled it might have made her feel hurt. Maybe a follow-up conversation where you acknowledge her feelings and explain yours could help smooth things over." ~ Lifewith_Eloise
"NTA. Seriously I've been around girls who do the stupid baby voice for attention and it's so freakin' annoying!"
"They honestly think it's cute and makes them look quirky and adorable, but it really doesn't. One girl used to fake being clumsy as well thinking that was also cute."
"She would purposely trip over things and make a huge commotion over dropping stuff as well and then look around expecting everyone to coo over how cute it was that she dropped a load of popcorn everywhere and made a huge mess."
"She'd then get really pissy and sulk when no one did." ~ Bubble_111
Whether this was the result of social anxiety or a conscious choice, no one faulted the OP for being unprepared to lie to their friends.
It was awkward because everyone was put in an awkward position.
The person who put them all there shouldn't complain about a situation they created.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.