Knowing when a friendship is over—or maybe never existed—is an important skill to develop.
Clinging to something that's over is natural and letting go can be very hard.
A woman struggling with a broken friendship turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Zealousideal_Ear7529 asked:
"AITA For filing a police report on a good friend who was caught on video stealing my boyfriend's camera at a dinner?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"She has refused to help me either replace it in full or contribute to the cost of replacing it."
"We were out to dinner one night at an expensive hotel. My boyfriend let me borrow his Canon G7X (1800) camera to bring to take pictures with my friends."
"At the conclusion of the dinner, I went up to the room and realized the camera was gone. I went back right down to the table and no one had seen it."
"I immediately got with hotel security and she is on video, clear as day, swiping the camera when my back was turned and shoving it in her purse. I covered for her initially with my friend, and contacted her to find a resolution."
"She had taken the camera with her and my other friends to a club after dinner, which I did not attend, and lost it there. For background, this is my good college friend who I know well (the camera thief)."
"She has been taken on free trips to Coachella and St Barths on my dime (not kidding), as well as many other things. We have done a lot together and are good friends, so I expected her to feel sorry."
"Initially she lied, saying she did not have it. When I told her we had video, she confessed and then said yes she took it, but lost it at the next bar she went to with my other friends."
"It is now gone. I asked her to help me replace it by going in on me with the cost. She has refused all measures or resolutions, and now I feel I have nothing left to do but file a police report and let them handle it."
"It is impacting my relationship, and I am furious my friend is not helping at all. Why should I be on the hook for something she stole?"
"I have given her three weeks to help me resolve this, but she insists she is going to do nothing. I am being pressed by my boyfriend to either replace the camera or help him file a report with her info and the footage."
"I even asked her to just throw in half or less than half the cost to help, but she still refuses. I do not want her to get in trouble, but I am at the point where I feel she really does not care."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I want to know if i am the a**hole for filing a police report and taking serious action against a good friend. I do not feel like a good friend for doing so, even though her actions hurt me, I feel like an a**hole."
"I want to know if I am an a**hole for not just covering the cost myself or feeling like she needs accountability."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole (YTA), but not for the reasons she thought.
"YTA - not even sure why you are asking. I have rarely seen a post with more a**holish behavior on here."
"You are an a**hole to your boyfriend. Kind guy trusted you with something valuable and you are not even giving him all the information you have after it got swiped."
"You brought your a**hole friend to this dinner. You are an a**hole for not filing a report."
"You are an a**hole to yourself for not holding this f*cking 'friend' accountable... what the hell do you mean 'throwing in half'?"
"Get your head out off your a** and go file a report. Make sure your boyfriend is made whole, be utterly embarrassed with your own behavior here, and do better next time." ~ Steve12345678911
"YTA, for caring about your thief of a friend over your boyfriend's property. Your number one priority should have been to get his property back. Not sure if this post is real, and also not convinced your 'friend' didn't sell the camera on or keep it." ~ simply_clare
"Girl, WTF‽‽ Please stop being a pushover. You should have reported her that night. Grow a spine and report her and give the police the tape."
"She is not your friend. Seems like she has not been your friend in a long time and you are too foolish to see it. She obviously uses you for free trips and things."
"This probably isn't even the first time she stole from you. The fact that you even hesitated to report her for stealing your boyfriend's camera is very strange."
"I would have broken up with you if I were him for not having his back and for trying to protect someone who obviously doesn't even like or respect you. Really, YTA for even waiting this long to do anything about it." ~ AnneShurely
"Stop bailing this person out by offering to cover half the cost. Such entitlement that she would take it in the first place."
"File a police report and drop the parasite from your friend group. A friend, especially a good friend, should never treat you that way." ~ EquivalentChip7463
"YTA. Is there a reason you are choosing your thieving friend over your boyfriend? She's made it clear she's not your friend, and that she's not going to make this right."
"The police report should have been filed the moment she said she wasn't going to pay for it."
"If I were your boyfriend I would be reconsidering the relationship with you over this. You're really dragging your feet to make this right. Get the report made and replace his camera." ~ Pleasant-Tax8290
"You sincerely BELIEVE you're being the nice person, to her, in general. You are mistaken. YTA."
"She clearly feels entitled to steal from her friends, even the friends who have been super generous with her. How do you think she feels with people who are less close friends, or coworkers?"
"You've enabled her to steal from others - I guarantee you that she has, AND that is partly on you if you do NOT file this police report.
"When some other less fortunate person is unable to pay their rent, and she's merely skated through PROVEN incidents of theft, you could be part of the cause of making that random stranger homeless."
"You have clearly not thought this through. File the police report. Sue her for the full amount."
"Do not spend another penny on her...EVER. People who imagine themselves to be people pleasers...doing more harm than good...SMH." ~ QueenLevine
"She is not a friend, she's an opportunist with parasitical behavior. She will continue to do this to you and in all of her relationships until people hold her accountable. That's the type of path that creates the type of person who steals cash from her own children."
"She should take full responsibility financially and morally and everyone in a friend group you share that will ultimately hear about the situation when she blames you for attacking her should be able to see the footage if they wish so they can protect their own peace and possessions so I hope you have a copy on hand."
"I'm all about forgiveness and mercy if the other person has compassion, takes accountability and wants to try to change but she can't do the bare minimum."
"Also, I don't buy that she conveniently lost it at the club as if it magically slipped from her bag. It's just as- if not more likely- she still had it when you confronted her, lied again, and maybe sold it off or is hiding it." ~ FutureFablesGaming
The OP provided a series of updates:
"UPDATE: I sent her a text this AM telling her if I do not receive full cost of the camera or shipping confirmation of a new camera from an approved vendor to a provided address by end of day Friday, we will be filing a report with the police Saturday AM. I felt like an a**hole typing this out to her, but I have to do it."
"UPDATE #2: She told me she is sick of me and that I will be receiving a tracking number by 12 eastern on friday and not to blame her if the package is never received. I told her if she was my real friend, she would be sorry and in no way will I allow this to be flipped on me. Should I ask if the camera is new, or the one that 'dissapeared'?"
"Update #3: She sent me a tracking number via FedEx. It says it is awaiting package. I have asked her repeatedly if she is sending me the original camera, assuming it 'magically' turned up, or a new one. She refuses to answer and only tells me to stop bothering her."
"Update #4: I am more and more convinced my friend (camera thief) took the camera hoping that I would just replace it for my boyfriend, gifting her a free camera. For background, this friend is heavily involved on instagram and loves taking pictures."
"The Canon G7 is COVETED by women because it is known as THE Instagram camera. Even if you wanted to buy one at full price, they are out of stock everywhere. Lets hope it gets returned with this tracking. FedEx still says awaiting package even though shipping info was sent to them at 7 PM yesterday."
"Update #5: Original camera returned via FedEx the other day. Has been given back to the boyfriend. However, the camera thief blocked me on all socials after this. Appeared she was trying to keep the camera for herself, and expected me to just buy a new one for the boyfriend."
OP got her boyfriend's camera back hopefully learned a lesson about the difference between friends and parasites.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.