People often speak to their friends about wanting a more attentive romantic partner.
So a 28-year-old woman was shocked when her friends told her her boyfriend was too attentive to her needs. Not sure if they were right, she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Redditor AITA-defendingmybf asked:
"AITA for defending my boyfriend when my friends called him 'creepy'?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So I (28f) got into a little fight with my friends during a video call and I just want some outside perspectives."
"Pretext, I've been with my boyfriend (25m) for a little over 2 years now and I'm perfectly happy in our relationship."
"I was on a video call with a few of my [female] friends (ranging in age from 28-31) and one of my friends (31) was complaining about her husband's (35) attitude towards menstrual products."
"Apparently, the dude absolutely refuses to get her pads or tampons and they got into a fight the other day when she left a used tampon in the bin."
"We were all trying to support her in her issues since that has to suck being in a relationship with someone like that. I was the only other person in a relationship so she asked me if my boyfriend is like this, and if it's just a man thing."
"So I told them my boyfriend is completely fine with all that, he grew up being the only male (father bailed, so 3 sisters, his mom, and him) and even buys me more when he notices I'm running low."
"Well, they all started attacking him, saying they thought he was being creepy for paying enough attention to buy me more products when he notices I'm running low."
h"Things like 'oh wow, I thought he was an okay guy, but now he just sounds creepy' and 'wow major creep vibes, I barely pay enough attention and often times need to run and get more myself'."
"To say the least, I was pretty confused. So I shot back 'so it's creepy to have an attentive significant other? He's the one who mainly does the shopping (I don't have a license) and I personally appreciate that he does, since I also forget sometimes, y'all wildin, maybe you just need to find better men in your lives'."
"We kept arguing for about another 30 minutes, them still thinking my boyfriend's a creep, and it's one thing if I asked him to buy me more products, but that he goes ahead and just buys me what I need is 'creepy' since 'why's he paying so much attention anyways??'."
"To answer that question, it's because I keep my products in the same place we keep our toilet paper, so he probably just checks to see if I may need more."
"I just don't know anymore, is it creepy?"
"I just appreciate it. AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was definitely not the a**hole.
"NTA. Your friends need to make up their minds: do they want period supplies treated as something that men should never have to go anywhere near, or do they want them normalized?"
"Because putting them in the same category as 'oh, we're running low on toilet paper; I'd better pick up some more' is far more in line with the latter." ~ mm172
"NTA. Your boyfriend does the shopping and is considerate enough to look around and see if any of the products your household needs on a regular basis are running low."
"There's nothing creepy about that."
"Now is a good time to examine your relationship with your friends. I've had to end some friendships because after knowing them for years I realized what we shared was complaining."
"They reveled in finding fault with everyone and everything. Your friends sound the same."
"Keep the boyfriend, get better friends who don't insist on seeing the negative in everything." ~ LakotaGrl
"This is the part that gets me. He does the shopping."
"So I assume he checks around the house for supplies they are low on and makes a list too. Low on TP? Add it to the list."
Low on rice? Add it to the list. Low on tampons? ADD IT TO THE LIST."
"They're non perishable goods that she will definitely use eventually. It just makes sense to pick them up."
"It's not like he's keeping a period tracker for her to manipulate her mood swings or something." ~ cflatjazz
"They also live together—so I feel like it wouldn't be creepy even if he did know her cycle. If you live together with someone for long enough, you might notice those things without even really trying." ~ LightObserver
"Hell I know the cycle of my closest friends because they complain about it every time. Does it mean I'm a creep for listening to them and knowing what's up?"
"It's not even a creepy product. It's creepyness level isn't higher than a toothbrush, toilet paper or damn shampoo. It's just sh*t you need for hygiene." ~ Shikyal
"Right! I feel like stuff like this gives men mixed signals."
"Men being grossed out and not wanting to hear about=bad. Man dosn't mind and even helps out=creep."
"What do her friends want?" ~ cheese420lover
"Imagine calling an attentive and considerate boyfriend creepy."
"These friends are either very immature or very jealous." ~ aimeansloveinchinese
"My wife's tampons are kept next to the toilet paper in both of our bathrooms (both need to be easily reachable when planted on the toilet)."
"It's not hard to notice if a box is running low and to jot it down on the grocery list we keep beside the fridge.
"Didn't realize being just the tiniest bit observant is 'creepy'." ~ Bukowskified
"They sound wildly immature, in my opinion. I am 30 and can't imagine making fun of a guy for being attentive to his partner's needs." ~ spidersandcaffeine
"For real. 'Wahhhh my boyfriend is so grossed out by my period'."
"'Well my boyfriend is ok with mine and occasionally buys me products'. 'EWWW GROSS CREEPY'."
"Like lmao what the f'k do you want???" ~ pessimist_kitty
"They like to complain. They don't want a solution; they don't want their men to change behaviors."
"They just want to complain, and find it appalling that their friend doesn't have to moan about her significant other." ~ ShadyLibidine
A partner who is considerate of your needs should be celebrated. Redditors think the OP has a thoughtful partner and thoughtless friends.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.