Anyone who knows proper party etiquette knows you never insult the host or hostess.
Redditor chocolatechip3000 reacted when a friend’s girlfriend (gf) made an assumption that offended her.
The resulting drama put her friendship in jeopardy, prompting her to visit the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit where she asked:
“AITA for saying that my friend’s gf isn’t welcome at my place anymore bc she asked me if I was a Nazi?”
The Original Poster (OP) wrote about opening up her home for a social gathering and including a friend’s latest love interest.
They did not get well acquainted that night.
“So recently my (F[emale] 26) friends and I had a small get together at my place. My friend Julian (27) started dating Ana(24) around four months ago and this was the first time we met her.”
“I‘m from Germany but moved to the US for work. Dinner went well, everybody liked her and we had a good time.”
“Afterwards we were playing cards when Ana asked me where I was from bc of my accent I guess. So I told her and she asked me ‘so you are a Nazi then?.'”
“I don’t know whether she thought this was funny or whether she is just ignorant/dumb. Of course I said no but she kept going ‘aren’t all Germans Nazis?’.”
“Julian was mortified and everyone else was in disbelief. I kicked them out and told Julian that his gf wasn’t welcome at my place anymore.”
“He called me the next day saying that he had talked with Ana and she promised him that she wouldn’t make such remarks anymore. I haven’t changed my mind and he’s now calling me the ahole bc I‘m basically excluding him from the group as well bc he won’t hangout with us if she can’t come along.”
“Now with [the virus] going on we mostly chill at my place so we haven’t seen both of them for a month now. My other friends think that I might wanna talk to them again but I don’t know.”
“AITA here?”
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked if and where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors agreed Ana broke a cardinal rule as an invited guest.
“NTA, just off the title I thought maybe you had said something she found racist but not at all. She disrespected you, imo that’s one of the worst things someone can do especially when they’re in your home.”
“Maybe someday you will wanna talk to them again but there’s nothing wrong with that day being whenever you feel comfortable.” – 1000skl
“I can’t help but notice that the post says she won’t make anymore comments like this, but it doesn’t mention an apology anywhere.”
“NTA, don’t feel bad for not allowing ignorant people into your home.” – PandaS0ck5
This Redditor gave Ana the benefit of the doubt.
“She is probably just really really stupid. Like stupid to the point of thinking all Asians are Chinese, Canada is an American state, you can’t be White African, and etc.”
“So rather than try to educate her and convince her of her stupidity, they are taking the approach of her not saying anything.” – MrGelowe
Redditors familiar with the situation commiserated with the OP by mentioning an all-too-common social occurrence.
“As a fellow German I can tell you that this is not the first time an American has asked such a question.”
“I’ve been asked basically the same thing followed by ‘what is Hitler doing these days’ and astonishment over the fact that Germany is a democracy. Similar things have also happened to several friends.” – AKLBIANO
“NTA at all. I’m also German and have been living in the US for some time now, and I cannot stand the Nazi jokes.”
“When I first moved here and started getting them I would laugh along a bit, and just explain that no I am not a Nazi and that Nazi =/= German.”
“But then after a few years of hearing the jokes they became tiresome, I stopped laughing because it’s shallow and unoriginal, and it was shocking how many people genuinely didn’t know the history there.”
“And then a few years later I became increasingly offended at the jokes because as I matured and gained a deeper understanding of the history I found it worse and worse to explain to people why I don’t find it funny to be compared or associated with such an atrocious movement that my own ancestors (aka grandparents) were victims of as well.” – raccoonintheattic
Ignorance runs rampant.
“We had a Japanese exchange student one year at our rural, hick school and about a few weeks after she arrived, the teachers had to start telling everyone to stop asking her if she knew karate.”
“One boy, in particular, made a huge a** of himself insisting that she must know karate and ‘she’s gotta teach me some moves’.”
“This was back in the 90s when ‘Mortal Kombat’ was huge. I was absolutely mortified but no one but a few of the teachers could understand why.” – ActuallyFire
“I once met someone who claimed that China didn’t have bureaucracy until it encountered the West. And that Korean is basically ‘a mix of Chinese and Japanese.'”
“This person was a history major, I was an Asian Studies major, and he refused to accept that what he said was just wrong and stupid. Some people are both stubborn and stupid, and refuse to be educated.” – ketita
“Teacher here . . . there are many people graduating every year that would still believe all Germans are Nazi. . high school education seems to end about wwii.” – willowmarie27
“IMO wilful ignorance is malice.” – DevoidLight
Some questioned her friend’s taste in women.
“NTA she made an incredibly ignorant and insulting comment towards you in your own home. Even worse if she said it as a joke. You have every right to ban anyone you’d like from YOUR own home.”
“Your friend should consider who he’s choosing as a partner. ‘She promised him she wouldn’t make such remarks anymore’ doesn’t exactly sound like she’s apologetic or has learned anything.”
“She owes you an apology, as well as exemplifying in which ways she has learned and grown from her ignorance. Maybe then you could consider lifting the ban, but even then, it’s 100% up to you.”
“If the situation is making your other friends uncomfortable, they should be asking Julian to fix it, not you.” – aeeo13231
A handful thought the OP was perhaps a little harsh towards someone after meeting them for the first time.
“ESH – she was very wrong in her questions. However, it’s your first meeting She could be sheltered or misguided by those around her into believing such trash.”
“It’s nice that her boyfriend explained and corrected her belief. It would be nice if you gave her a second chance – you know, so she can learn from her mistakes or learn from better people. I think your punishment is a bit harsh for a first time meeting.” – lds1219
But most Redditors remained on the same page regarding the girlfriend’s comments.
In an update, the OP wrote:
“Thank you guys for your responses. A lot of you said that she might truly not know why this was such an offensive thing to say and that I should give her another chance.”
“I’m going to have a conversation with Ana. If she doesn’t get why I reacted the way I did then that’s it. My other friends also think this is a good idea.”
Redditors will have to wait to find out if the girlfriend offered an apology or if she did some research on German history and proper social etiquette.