Anyone who knows proper party etiquette knows you never insult the host or hostess.
Redditor chocolatechip3000 reacted when a friend's girlfriend (gf) made an assumption that offended her.
The resulting drama put her friendship in jeopardy, prompting her to visit the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit where she asked:
"AITA for saying that my friend's gf isn't welcome at my place anymore bc she asked me if I was a Nazi?"
The Original Poster (OP) wrote about opening up her home for a social gathering and including a friend's latest love interest.
They did not get well acquainted that night.
"So recently my (F[emale] 26) friends and I had a small get together at my place. My friend Julian (27) started dating Ana(24) around four months ago and this was the first time we met her."
"I'm from Germany but moved to the US for work. Dinner went well, everybody liked her and we had a good time."
"Afterwards we were playing cards when Ana asked me where I was from bc of my accent I guess. So I told her and she asked me 'so you are a Nazi then?.'"
"I don't know whether she thought this was funny or whether she is just ignorant/dumb. Of course I said no but she kept going 'aren't all Germans Nazis?'."
"Julian was mortified and everyone else was in disbelief. I kicked them out and told Julian that his gf wasn't welcome at my place anymore."
"He called me the next day saying that he had talked with Ana and she promised him that she wouldn't make such remarks anymore. I haven't changed my mind and he's now calling me the ahole bc I'm basically excluding him from the group as well bc he won't hangout with us if she can't come along."
"Now with [the virus] going on we mostly chill at my place so we haven't seen both of them for a month now. My other friends think that I might wanna talk to them again but I don't know."
"AITA here?"
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked if and where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Redditors agreed Ana broke a cardinal rule as an invited guest.
"NTA, just off the title I thought maybe you had said something she found racist but not at all. She disrespected you, imo that's one of the worst things someone can do especially when they're in your home."
"Maybe someday you will wanna talk to them again but there's nothing wrong with that day being whenever you feel comfortable." – 1000skl
"I can't help but notice that the post says she won't make anymore comments like this, but it doesn't mention an apology anywhere."
"NTA, don't feel bad for not allowing ignorant people into your home." – PandaS0ck5
This Redditor gave Ana the benefit of the doubt.
"She is probably just really really stupid. Like stupid to the point of thinking all Asians are Chinese, Canada is an American state, you can't be White African, and etc."
"So rather than try to educate her and convince her of her stupidity, they are taking the approach of her not saying anything." – MrGelowe
Redditors familiar with the situation commiserated with the OP by mentioning an all-too-common social occurrence.
"As a fellow German I can tell you that this is not the first time an American has asked such a question."
"I've been asked basically the same thing followed by 'what is Hitler doing these days' and astonishment over the fact that Germany is a democracy. Similar things have also happened to several friends." – AKLBIANO
"NTA at all. I'm also German and have been living in the US for some time now, and I cannot stand the Nazi jokes."
"When I first moved here and started getting them I would laugh along a bit, and just explain that no I am not a Nazi and that Nazi =/= German."
"But then after a few years of hearing the jokes they became tiresome, I stopped laughing because it's shallow and unoriginal, and it was shocking how many people genuinely didn't know the history there."
"And then a few years later I became increasingly offended at the jokes because as I matured and gained a deeper understanding of the history I found it worse and worse to explain to people why I don't find it funny to be compared or associated with such an atrocious movement that my own ancestors (aka grandparents) were victims of as well." – raccoonintheattic
Ignorance runs rampant.
"We had a Japanese exchange student one year at our rural, hick school and about a few weeks after she arrived, the teachers had to start telling everyone to stop asking her if she knew karate."
"One boy, in particular, made a huge a** of himself insisting that she must know karate and 'she's gotta teach me some moves'."
"This was back in the 90s when 'Mortal Kombat' was huge. I was absolutely mortified but no one but a few of the teachers could understand why." – ActuallyFire
"I once met someone who claimed that China didn't have bureaucracy until it encountered the West. And that Korean is basically 'a mix of Chinese and Japanese.'"
"This person was a history major, I was an Asian Studies major, and he refused to accept that what he said was just wrong and stupid. Some people are both stubborn and stupid, and refuse to be educated." – ketita
"Teacher here . . . there are many people graduating every year that would still believe all Germans are Nazi. . high school education seems to end about wwii." – willowmarie27
"IMO wilful ignorance is malice." – DevoidLight
Some questioned her friend's taste in women.
"NTA she made an incredibly ignorant and insulting comment towards you in your own home. Even worse if she said it as a joke. You have every right to ban anyone you'd like from YOUR own home."
"Your friend should consider who he's choosing as a partner. 'She promised him she wouldn't make such remarks anymore' doesn't exactly sound like she's apologetic or has learned anything."
"She owes you an apology, as well as exemplifying in which ways she has learned and grown from her ignorance. Maybe then you could consider lifting the ban, but even then, it's 100% up to you."
"If the situation is making your other friends uncomfortable, they should be asking Julian to fix it, not you." – aeeo13231
A handful thought the OP was perhaps a little harsh towards someone after meeting them for the first time.
"ESH - she was very wrong in her questions. However, it's your first meeting She could be sheltered or misguided by those around her into believing such trash."
"It's nice that her boyfriend explained and corrected her belief. It would be nice if you gave her a second chance - you know, so she can learn from her mistakes or learn from better people. I think your punishment is a bit harsh for a first time meeting." – lds1219
But most Redditors remained on the same page regarding the girlfriend's comments.
In an update, the OP wrote:
"Thank you guys for your responses. A lot of you said that she might truly not know why this was such an offensive thing to say and that I should give her another chance."
"I'm going to have a conversation with Ana. If she doesn't get why I reacted the way I did then that's it. My other friends also think this is a good idea."
Redditors will have to wait to find out if the girlfriend offered an apology or if she did some research on German history and proper social etiquette.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and IÂ got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.'Â And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.