We all fall on hard times at one point in our lives or another.
And the way we respond to those challenges dictates our future.
If, however, the response is to take no action at all, circumstances likely won't improve, and the fact of the matter is more than one person is usually affected.
A homeless woman on Reddit, exhausted after working multiple jobs while her husband remained jobless for more than three years, threatened divorce if he didn't find employment by January 1, and she turned to the "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor PezzQT-724 asked:
"AITAH For telling me husband he has till Jan 1, 2025 to get a job or in tapping out of the marriage..."
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My husband, (41/M[ale]) well call him Tommy, has not had a real payong job sense the spring of 2021, he was a foreman and made prettydecent $$$...."
"I worked as a CNA in a group home for autistic adults."
"We were making good money ."
"He quit, the stress made me mess up work papers, and I was eventually terminated."
"Shortly after getting the boot, we lost our apartment."
"Because I needed my THIRD BRAIN SURGERY!"
"The landlord let us stay a little while so I could recover from the skin graft on my head..."
"We did what we could, but the family got tired of me being the only one looking for work, and then there was an argument over missing dishes. (I have no idea what started that; the ones they claim went MIA weren't even viable!!) Nonetheless, we were asked to leave."
"We moved into a large SUV, got an air mattress and roughed it in computer parking lots, and state parks for about 3/4 months (Mid New England Winter!), switching to a Mazda Tribute (small for 2 people with everything we owned)"
"anywhowrs I scored a job in a nursing home,I couldn't do the job as well as I wanted and wasnt able.to.life the parents ."
"I had to resign, so I got a job at a fast food place ."
"All my co-workers helped us spruce up our bedding and made sure we had real homemade meals by bringing us in leftovers"
"Long story short, he hasn't worked a 'job-job' since 2021.. and I have brought in any income at all that has come in."
"Now I am applying for disability and disabilities housing..."
"So I'm sick of being homeless."
"We are in a shelter now and have been for almost a year."
"We became homeless NOV 3RD, 2021, and we're STILL homeless."
"I work every little mini job I could to provide."
"He has skilled labor experience and could easily get AT least something part-time."
"He says he's trying using InDewd and LinkedIn, but I never see it on his phone."
"Am I the a**hole for threatening to leave because he's too lazy to work, and he is showing I CANNOT depend on him for a future....."
"Prolly too many details or not the right ones.. But anyone's 2¢ is so appreciated!!"
"Let me know, please, I feel bad, but I want and deserve a better future...."
Redditors weighed in on the situation and decided OP was not the a**hole (NTA) and has every right to feel the way she does.
"So let me get this straight, you have a brain injury and work."
"And he has perfect health and hasn't worked in years?"
"I would have left a long time ago. NTA!" - Fullmoongoddess79
"NTA. Your husband needs to step up and contribute to the household."
"It's not fair for you to be the sole breadwinner while he sits around using job-searching websites as an excuse."
"You deserve a partner who is willing to put in the effort to provide for your future."
"You're not asking for too much, and I hope he realizes that before it's too late." - cupcakeglimmer
"NTA. Leave."
"You're the only one holding the relationship together."
"That's not fair, especially when you're dealing with health issues on top of it."
"What's his excuse for not working for over 3 years!??"
"You will probably feel less stressed out when you're on your own as you'll only have to worry about yourself and not some bum who lets you do all the work alone" - SecretaryPresent16
"NTA. Leave now."
"That timeline is only making you miserable for a few extra months for no good reason."
"You already know in your heart that you are done." - ameasuredresponse
"He should hve had a job by now."
"He should not have quit the first one."
"NTAH" - DCHacker
"NTA - he can get a freaking job at McDonald's or Walmart."
"He needs to get off his lazy a** and get a job." - bdayqueen
"That man is dragging you down and making things worse for you."
"You will never get ahead with him draining your soul."
"NTA" - grayblue_grrl
"NTA. I was with a loser for a year."
"I straight up told him to get a job, or we're getting divorced."
"He got a job but was still an AH."
"We got divorced four years later."
"I wish I got an annulment two weeks after we married."
"When these guys show you who they are, believe it."
"He doesn't respect you now and he never will. He's using you."
"You will be much better off in supportive housing with disability." - Salty-Hedgehog5001
"NTA. He QUIT his job without having another lined up?"
"That is irresponsible."
"YOU have had THREE brain surgeries and still work."
"Your husband is a lazy piece of sh**."
"I don't know why you have not left him already."
"On New Year's Day, tell him goodbye."
"You have him til then. Hold him to it."
"I hope you get your disability and housing." - Fickle_Toe1724
"Did he even discuss it with you before he quit?"
"I wouldn't have stuck around this long with someone who is so unwilling to do anything."
"Regardless of the fact that you're the one that had brain surgery and is doing all the work (which is unacceptable at best), his complete lack of care for you and your relationship is disgraceful."
"Obviously NTA."
"Divorce and hopefully you will be able to move onwards and upwards, in every sense." - FunkyPenguin2021
"NTA. It's time to leave. For whatever reason, you want to leave."
"You're in a losing situation, and you're the only responsible party." - DrKiddman
"NTA you're talking in dollars so I assume you're in the USA, don't a lot of people there lose disability benefits when they get married because it's assumed their husband will take care of them?"
"I don't know much about it and it seems deeply cruel if true but you might actually do better single." - Wise_Date_5357
"NTA, and you need to free yourself from this leech now."
"It's hard enough for you to support yourself, you don't need the added burden." - DawnShakhar
"NTA. Ffs you're doing any job you can get."
"He should be doing the same."
"Any job, any level. Income is income."
"If it's low paying is it's still paying while you each look for better."
"What is he doing all day?"
"Keeping busy even if out of work is vital for mental health and for opportunities."
"He was in construction? Volunteer at habitat for humanity." - AlephInfinite0
"NTA. But how far down does he have to drag you before you leave?"
"You've had brain surgery & work to support him!" - Equivalent_Classic89
"girl, I'm shocked you've stayed around that long."
"Does he even have a reason for this??""
"you're supposed to protect and provide for your partner, and he's done the exact opposite. NTA"
"I hope you get divorced and approved for disability and your situation improves, OP!" - NoseyNeighbor1113
"NTA but a weird date to set as the cut off point, as the last two weeks before your deadline (over Christmas and new year) nobody is going to be hiring anyone."
"I would have said give him a month of the new year. Companies may be restructuring or looking to hire for the new financial year etc." - Thaddeus_Valentine
"You're married and made vows."
"Being married isn't like a high school relationship where you change people like underwear."
"That being said… if you are sick and he's not fulfilled his responsibilities as a man, which from what you describe, he hasn't: NTA."
"If he has no health issues and refuses to be a contributing partner, he broke his end of the deal first."
"You leaving to be able to take care of one person (You) is self-interest and not selfish."
"You are only hurting yourself by being the sole contributing adult in the relationship."
"I mean, he could swallow pride and work fast food or whatever to do SOMETHING."
"Even if he can't contribute as much… he could contribute."
"Marriage isn't 50/50. Unless both give 100%… it's doomed."
"Best of luck, and I hope your health holds steady." - Federal_Studio1457
"NTA, and you are not wrong here."
"Better to get out than be dragged down by him further" - Kangaroo-Pack-3727
Hopefully OP feels better about her decision after reading her fellow Redditors' comments.
Their advice will certainly be useful as she moves forward.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.