Taking vacations is always costly, especially when hidden expenses add up fast, but that shouldn't deter one from taking time off for a getaway now and then.
But first things first... You have to have the financial means to afford a trip. A guy who recently started dating a woman with a 12-year-old son faced drama centered on an upcoming travel plan.
So they visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor triplebogeyking asked:
"AITA for telling my girlfriend to pay for her own vacation?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My 37 (M[ale]) girlfriend (35 f[female]) had a vacation planned to the Bahamas with her son (12) before we even started dating."
"Before they left, I basically paid for the hotel and the car rental and even had to pay for their flights since there was a change on the date."
"Now, I have no issues with the vacation at all since, of course, it was planned before we got together, and I would never try and come between a mother and her kid."
The OP continued:
"She had supposedly been planning this for over a year. Right before they left, she told me that she needed to borrow 2,500 for the trip."
"I told her I didn't have it to give to her as I still have my mortgage to pay and my own kids to take care of. All in all I've already paid for about 5k of the trip."
"I told her that if she couldn't afford the trip then she really shouldn't be going. Of course, she got mad, and they left, and I haven't heard from her since."
"I've seen posts on social media, but no contact at all between us. Of course, friends are telling me I was too hard on her and that what I said was mean. AITA?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"What exactly did she plan for? The hotel (you paid)? The car rental (you paid)? The flights (you paid)?"
"So far YOU have paid for HER 'planned' vacation and she has the nerve to want $2500.00 MORE for her food and entertainment? You got scammed by a grifter."
"NTA"
"P.S. - You have some sh*tty friends." – ejdjd
The OP added some context.
"She basically pre paid for the excursions and stuff they'll do while out there. I've never gone through a travel agent but apparently you can book excursions and outings before you even have a way out there."
Reddit continued to weigh in.
"She didn't plan a trip, she planned to find a guy to pay for a trip. Bamboozling of the highest order! And looking at the comments, I don't think OP understands yet that his function was not 'boyfriend,' it was 'wallet.' Sad." – Elesia
"Ask yourself…Who pays for 'excursions' for a destination without having confirmed flights or hotel reservations for that destination?"
"Answer: No One. Flights get booked up (affordable ones) or hotels are full (possibly due to a conference or convention). Dates have to change for work issues. That's why No One plans 'excursions' until these are booked first. You Got Played." – dekage55
"Major red flag dude. To be clear, for your understanding of the situation, she wasn't 'planning' a trip since before you were dating. She had the idea in place for a trip with her kid. A plan indicates that she's taking the necessary steps to make the idea of a trip a reality which she clearly wasn't if she didn't even book the essentials."
"She decided to put the cart before the horse and book activities without booking the trip itself. Seems like once she knew you'd bankroll her, the plan started falling into place for her. Don't let her tell you any different. Sorry, bud, but you've been taken in this situation."
"Take care of yourself and your own kids and cut this chick out. It sounds extreme, but this is major red flag behavior. Finances are one of the biggest causes of division in relationships and she's clearly showing major financial irresponsibility. It's not even worth putting yourself in a hole to try to make this work." – MrMastaCow
"So you paid for their entire vacation, and she treated herself and her son to a couple of days out while they were away."
"You didn't even join them on this vacation, so - and pardon my confusion if I'm missing something here - why did you pay for it at all? For flights, hotel, etc.? You say she planned it before you were together, but . . . if that's the case, how was she originally planning to pay for it? And why did that change just because she started dating you? You're her boyfriend, not a walking wallet. Or . . . are you?"
"I'm sorry, but I'm 50 years old, so neither young nor clueless in general, but I'm genuinely not understanding why your GF not only expected you to pay for her and her son to go on a Caribbean vacation without you but demanded thousands of dollars in incidental cash on top of that; and I definitely don't understand why you went along with it."
"Unless your friends are all sugar daddies/sugar babies, for whom 'dating' is a financial transaction, none of this makes any sense at all." – Sorry_I_Guess
"Who plans for a trip by paying for refundable excursions?!! The first you do in planning is secure hotel and flight. Yeah, she played you. And uses her fingers to post on social media about it instead of communicating with you or showing appreciation."
"Not even sure how you figure how you told her to pay for the vacation when you paid for everything except for food and excursions... $2500 at that is wild. And you still even call her your girlfriend which is even more wild."
"You should be the one cutting her off not the other way around. She treats you like this because you're allowing it and teaching her son along the way."
"If she ever reaches out to you again in life, it's to use you. What you do with that information is up to you."
"May the odds be forever in your favor." – Maleficent_Lure_1226
"NTA. You already paid a substantial amount for a trip that wasn't even planned with you in mind, and it's completely reasonable to set boundaries when it comes to finances. Relationships shouldn't involve one person carrying the full financial burden, and $5k is already a generous contribution."
"If she can't afford the rest of the trip, that's something she needed to plan for herself, especially since this vacation was supposed to be her responsibility from the start." – StonkPhilia
"I believe you have been scammed. Your post is quite difficult to understand too. How could she have planned things in advance but you paid for it? If your post is real you were taken for a fool and when you realized it she left." – The_Naxian_
"I don't understand why you paid 5k in the first place, for a trip you weren't going on. At what point did she say she has planned a trip, can't afford it and could you pay, please?"
"You are generous and kind but it seems you have been taken advantage of. Cut your losses and save for a great holiday with your own kids." – PunderandLightnin
"That story is cringe. There is no human element to it other than your kindness and generosity. She wants you to put your mortgage at stake for her pipe dream trip that you have already funded. You don't need a 12 step program to tell you what you need to do here."
"This situation is never going to get any better than it is now. Now think about that for a second and no longer." – DA-DJ
"NTA, you already paid a good amount for the trip, and she wanted to borrow 2500? Also want you said wasn't mean it was pretty decent advice. My thought, though, is, what were her plans if you didn't start dating her? How would she be able to afford this trip she's been planning for a year or more? You were right you don't have the money bills come first." – amaerau03
"NTA… You already paid $5000 more than I would have seen how she planned it before you guys got together into me. This just reads like she's trying to get a bunch of money out of you to have a vacation…" – HateKilledTheDinos
"NTA"
"Dude, you need better friends. If you can't afford what looks like $7K+ vacation, you don't go. You organize a trip that fits your budget."
"The timeline of your relationship is a bit unclear, but I wouldn't be surprised if you were supposed to be the proud sponsor of her vacation. Since you fell through, there's no point in continuing the relationship." – This_Grab_452
After reading about the ordeal, Redditors spotted the swindler from miles away.
Besides feeling like the OP should not feel guilty about not wanting to pay more money for the girlfriend's vacation, they felt sorry for him for being a victim of the alleged scam.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and IÂ got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.'Â And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.