We all know that when we receive a wedding invitation, there are certain expectations we have to fulfill.
We need to plan to be on time, we should bring a gift, and we should consider what is appropriate to wear to a wedding, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Mallvar thought this was a straight-forward enough concept, at least until his girlfriend got into his car while wearing an off-white dress.
When she accused him of being abusive and controlling, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he was wrong somehow for asking her to change into a different color.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for 'demanding' my girlfriend to change her dress for a wedding?"
The OP wanted to bring his girlfriend to his colleague's wedding.
"This happened during this weekend, me being in my early thirties and my girlfriend in her late twenties."
"I was invited to a wedding ceremony of a colleague and could bring someone with me. I asked my girlfriend that I've been dating for a year if she would like to join me and she was really happy because she apparently loves weddings."
"Since we don't live together, I drove to pick her up so we'd have some time to spare before the ceremony."
"As she came out, she looked really beautiful and had obviously put in the time to fix her hair and make-up. She was also wearing an off-white dress that was rather ornate."
The OP was concerned about the color of the dress.
"As she got in, I told her that she looked stunning, but I asked if she could change to a different colored dress for the ceremony."
"I'm not one for etiquette by far, but one of the few things I have heard everywhere is that you should not wear a white dress to a wedding unless you're the bride."
"She became pretty upset and wanted to know what was wrong with her dress."
"I said that it would be inappropriate to wear a white or off-white dress unless you're the bride - and that it's like wedding-law or something, trying to be lighthearted about it."
His girlfriend did not agree.
"She rolled her eyes and said that it was an outdated tradition about women and virginity and that when her friends got married, everyone wore white and that it's not a big thing anymore."
"I told her that I don't know what the dress code is for this ceremony, but since the wedding invitation didn't say, 'all white clothes,' I still thought she should change to another color instead of white or 'almost-white.'"
"I mentioned again that my colleague was getting married and we had no idea how she felt about it."
"My girlfriend became really upset and told me that I was trying to control what she was wearing and that it was abusive, which honestly made me really upset and hurt."
"I said something along the lines of, 'F**k, well you shouldn't go to a wedding with an abuser then,' and then I told her to f**k off out of my car."
The OP attended the wedding without her.
"She began to cry and wanted to apologize and give me a hug, but I just told her to get out, which she did."
"(To clarify, we never left the driveway by her home, I did not drop her off in the middle of nowhere or anything like that.)"
"I drove off and she called and texted me a bunch of times."
"I answered, 'I don't want to talk right now,' and then turned my phone off and attended the ceremony."
"The bride was the only one that was wearing white so I feel as if my gut feeling was the right one."
The OP was then criticized for his actions.
"When I got home, my phone had blown up with texts from her and her best friend, saying that I was being inconsiderate and controlling and should apologize for my behavior."
"I've vented to a few friends. Most of them agreed with me but some have said that it was an a**hole thing to tell her that she could not wear her dress, because it had nothing to do with me."
"I feel as if I was in the right since it was my colleague's wedding and it was better to be safe than sorry, but I'm also not sure if I was being an a**hole about the situation."
"So, Reddit, AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed, unless otherwise noted, this was simple wedding etiquette.
"NTA. Your GF should have known better. Unless you KNOW the couple AND it's a request, you don't wear white. She also overreacted and you did the right thing by asking her to not go and to get out of your car." - Mother_of_Dogs3
"The only way her attitude makes sense is if she's an attention seeker (for not saying something else) or if she was testing OP somehow (boundaries, or when inevitably someone in the wedding party asked her to leave, to see how OP would react)." - SparkAxolotl
"My first thought was that she was competing with the OP's colleague. It's a really destructive trait that unfortunately a lot of people seem to have. The not-quite-white dress, the extra effort with hair and makeup definitely smells like competition to me."
"OP made the right call here - that could've backfired very badly on him. His coworkers are unlikely to see his GF very often, while he's the one who needs to work with them after, 'Remember when OP brought a date in a white dress to Beth's wedding? What WAS he thinking?'" - HoldFastO2
"This could also just be her fun way of raising drama without having to deal with the consequences. If you don't know the person who's p**sed with you and they're not in your social circles, it's a free jab at someone you'll never have to deal with again."
"Sociopathic. And that's the vibe I'm getting from the whole situation." - farahad
"She would be getting side eye all night over this, but sometimes any attention, good or bad, is attention and the person wanting it, will take either version. OP eliminated that and then shut off their phone."
"OP, I wonder how your GF would feel as the bride? NTA." - shopgirl2
Others side-eyed the girlfriend for calling the OP controlling and abusive.
"As for the 'you're being abusive' accusation. She wasn't even invited, she's the plus-one of OP, who didn't want to potentially ruin the wedding day of a colleague."
"EVERYONE knows not to wear white to a wedding. This chick intended to upstage the bride. NTA. I'm glad OP told her to get the f**k out of the car." - wordsmythy
"Eh, by the way she was quick to call him abusive for it and then sent her friend after him when she didn't get her way, I'd say this is entirely the girlfriend's personality. NTA." - Electronic_Bad_4315
"She was clearly TA for the dress at someone else's wedding, but to go and call OP an abuser AND tattle and send her bestie after OP too?!?"
"If you are a full grown adult sending family and or friends after your partner because of a minor dispute - there are way too many people in that relationship. I'd leave just for that unnecessary drama."
"OP, NTA, but you would be if you kept that drama (the girlfriend) in your life and worse by extension your friends, family, and associates. Your girlfriend would have caused unnecessary drama and stress on someone else's big day and left you to deal with the fallout." - 750more
"Yeahhh, it really gives the ick when she calls him an abuser for asking her to respect the bride at her wedding..."
"It kind of undermines the struggles that actual abuse victims go through."
"NTA, OP, I'm sorry she said that to you. That must have felt awful." - knittnens
"If I were OP, I wouldn't continue on with this relationship. I don't like how quickly the word abuse came out of her mouth."
"It is a serious accusation and should only be used when someone is actually experiencing abuse. Not when someone is being called out on their disregard for wedding etiquette. NTA." - Fickle-Willow4836
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
"I never expected this thread to get this many replies. I am incredibly thankful for all of you that have reached out and commented, and I really really appreciate that you've taken the time to tell me."
"My girlfriend found out about the thread (I don't know if she knew my handle, or just found it) and we talked over the phone."
"She apologized and I apologized and it was a pretty good talk."
"She asked if she could come over, and I said no and that it would be best for us to go our separate ways."
"She got upset and asked why I wouldn't even try to work it out."
"I basically just said goodbye, and then she said my d**k was small, which actually made me laugh after what had been a pretty mature conversation, and then she hung up."
"I'm pretty sad about it, she really made me feel happy, but as many of you have commented - if this was our first disagreement and she called me abusive, how would future disagreements look?"
"I was hurt, but if she did think I was being abusive, breaking up would be the right thing to do, and if she did not think I was being abusive and said it anyways, I would not want to be with her, either."
"So I think things worked out for the best for us both."
Though this all began with what should have been a fun weekend and a celebration of a new marriage, the OP's former girlfriend instead showed her true colors.
Fortunately, the subReddit agreed that the OP had been in the right, both for defending the bride's right to be the only one to wear white at her wedding, and for being upset over being called abusive.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.