We all know that when we receive a wedding invitation, there are certain expectations we have to fulfill.
We need to plan to be on time, we should bring a gift, and we should consider what is appropriate to wear to a wedding, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Mallvar thought this was a straight-forward enough concept, at least until his girlfriend got into his car while wearing an off-white dress.
When she accused him of being abusive and controlling, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he was wrong somehow for asking her to change into a different color.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for ‘demanding’ my girlfriend to change her dress for a wedding?”
The OP wanted to bring his girlfriend to his colleague’s wedding.
“This happened during this weekend, me being in my early thirties and my girlfriend in her late twenties.”
“I was invited to a wedding ceremony of a colleague and could bring someone with me. I asked my girlfriend that I’ve been dating for a year if she would like to join me and she was really happy because she apparently loves weddings.”
“Since we don’t live together, I drove to pick her up so we’d have some time to spare before the ceremony.”
“As she came out, she looked really beautiful and had obviously put in the time to fix her hair and make-up. She was also wearing an off-white dress that was rather ornate.”
The OP was concerned about the color of the dress.
“As she got in, I told her that she looked stunning, but I asked if she could change to a different colored dress for the ceremony.”
“I’m not one for etiquette by far, but one of the few things I have heard everywhere is that you should not wear a white dress to a wedding unless you’re the bride.”
“She became pretty upset and wanted to know what was wrong with her dress.”
“I said that it would be inappropriate to wear a white or off-white dress unless you’re the bride – and that it’s like wedding-law or something, trying to be lighthearted about it.”
His girlfriend did not agree.
“She rolled her eyes and said that it was an outdated tradition about women and virginity and that when her friends got married, everyone wore white and that it’s not a big thing anymore.”
“I told her that I don’t know what the dress code is for this ceremony, but since the wedding invitation didn’t say, ‘all white clothes,’ I still thought she should change to another color instead of white or ‘almost-white.'”
“I mentioned again that my colleague was getting married and we had no idea how she felt about it.”
“My girlfriend became really upset and told me that I was trying to control what she was wearing and that it was abusive, which honestly made me really upset and hurt.”
“I said something along the lines of, ‘F**k, well you shouldn’t go to a wedding with an abuser then,’ and then I told her to f**k off out of my car.”
The OP attended the wedding without her.
“She began to cry and wanted to apologize and give me a hug, but I just told her to get out, which she did.”
“(To clarify, we never left the driveway by her home, I did not drop her off in the middle of nowhere or anything like that.)”
“I drove off and she called and texted me a bunch of times.”
“I answered, ‘I don’t want to talk right now,’ and then turned my phone off and attended the ceremony.”
“The bride was the only one that was wearing white so I feel as if my gut feeling was the right one.”
The OP was then criticized for his actions.
“When I got home, my phone had blown up with texts from her and her best friend, saying that I was being inconsiderate and controlling and should apologize for my behavior.”
“I’ve vented to a few friends. Most of them agreed with me but some have said that it was an a**hole thing to tell her that she could not wear her dress, because it had nothing to do with me.”
“I feel as if I was in the right since it was my colleague’s wedding and it was better to be safe than sorry, but I’m also not sure if I was being an a**hole about the situation.”
“So, Reddit, AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed, unless otherwise noted, this was simple wedding etiquette.
“NTA. Your GF should have known better. Unless you KNOW the couple AND it’s a request, you don’t wear white. She also overreacted and you did the right thing by asking her to not go and to get out of your car.” – Mother_of_Dogs3
“The only way her attitude makes sense is if she’s an attention seeker (for not saying something else) or if she was testing OP somehow (boundaries, or when inevitably someone in the wedding party asked her to leave, to see how OP would react).” – SparkAxolotl
“My first thought was that she was competing with the OP’s colleague. It’s a really destructive trait that unfortunately a lot of people seem to have. The not-quite-white dress, the extra effort with hair and makeup definitely smells like competition to me.”
“OP made the right call here – that could’ve backfired very badly on him. His coworkers are unlikely to see his GF very often, while he’s the one who needs to work with them after, ‘Remember when OP brought a date in a white dress to Beth’s wedding? What WAS he thinking?'” – HoldFastO2
“This could also just be her fun way of raising drama without having to deal with the consequences. If you don’t know the person who’s p**sed with you and they’re not in your social circles, it’s a free jab at someone you’ll never have to deal with again.”
“Sociopathic. And that’s the vibe I’m getting from the whole situation.” – farahad
“She would be getting side eye all night over this, but sometimes any attention, good or bad, is attention and the person wanting it, will take either version. OP eliminated that and then shut off their phone.”
“OP, I wonder how your GF would feel as the bride? NTA.” – shopgirl2
Others side-eyed the girlfriend for calling the OP controlling and abusive.
“As for the ‘you’re being abusive’ accusation. She wasn’t even invited, she’s the plus-one of OP, who didn’t want to potentially ruin the wedding day of a colleague.”
“EVERYONE knows not to wear white to a wedding. This chick intended to upstage the bride. NTA. I’m glad OP told her to get the f**k out of the car.” – wordsmythy
“Eh, by the way she was quick to call him abusive for it and then sent her friend after him when she didn’t get her way, I’d say this is entirely the girlfriend’s personality. NTA.” – Electronic_Bad_4315
“She was clearly TA for the dress at someone else’s wedding, but to go and call OP an abuser AND tattle and send her bestie after OP too?!?”
“If you are a full grown adult sending family and or friends after your partner because of a minor dispute – there are way too many people in that relationship. I’d leave just for that unnecessary drama.”
“OP, NTA, but you would be if you kept that drama (the girlfriend) in your life and worse by extension your friends, family, and associates. Your girlfriend would have caused unnecessary drama and stress on someone else’s big day and left you to deal with the fallout.” – 750more
“Yeahhh, it really gives the ick when she calls him an abuser for asking her to respect the bride at her wedding…”
“It kind of undermines the struggles that actual abuse victims go through.”
“NTA, OP, I’m sorry she said that to you. That must have felt awful.” – knittnens
“If I were OP, I wouldn’t continue on with this relationship. I don’t like how quickly the word abuse came out of her mouth.”
“It is a serious accusation and should only be used when someone is actually experiencing abuse. Not when someone is being called out on their disregard for wedding etiquette. NTA.” – Fickle-Willow4836
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
“I never expected this thread to get this many replies. I am incredibly thankful for all of you that have reached out and commented, and I really really appreciate that you’ve taken the time to tell me.”
“My girlfriend found out about the thread (I don’t know if she knew my handle, or just found it) and we talked over the phone.”
“She apologized and I apologized and it was a pretty good talk.”
“She asked if she could come over, and I said no and that it would be best for us to go our separate ways.”
“She got upset and asked why I wouldn’t even try to work it out.”
“I basically just said goodbye, and then she said my d**k was small, which actually made me laugh after what had been a pretty mature conversation, and then she hung up.”
“I’m pretty sad about it, she really made me feel happy, but as many of you have commented – if this was our first disagreement and she called me abusive, how would future disagreements look?”
“I was hurt, but if she did think I was being abusive, breaking up would be the right thing to do, and if she did not think I was being abusive and said it anyways, I would not want to be with her, either.”
“So I think things worked out for the best for us both.”
Though this all began with what should have been a fun weekend and a celebration of a new marriage, the OP’s former girlfriend instead showed her true colors.
Fortunately, the subReddit agreed that the OP had been in the right, both for defending the bride’s right to be the only one to wear white at her wedding, and for being upset over being called abusive.