Redditor Complete_North_8446 grew up with immense privilege and had things like a maid growing up.
The Original Poster's (OP's) live-in girlfriend did not grow up with such luxuries, and a recent run-in between her and the maid has caused some tension between the OP and his girlfriend.
This tension drove the OP to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
He asked:
"AITA for not wanting to « fire » my maid to please my girlfriend ?"
He went on to explain:
"I [Male age 25] have been in a relationship with Amy [Female age 23] since nearly 3 years, and we started to live together 2 months ago in my apartment."
"I love her and everything was going well until this argument."
"I am very lucky to be born in a rich family, so my parents used to have a maid to do the housework, Maria [57-year-old Female]."
"She has been working for my parents since I'm seven and became a family friend. For example, we were all invited to the wedding of her daughter."
"Last year, my parents took a well-deserved retirement and enjoy some trips, visit family etc, so since last year, they have spent very little time at home."
"So Maria didn't have much work to do in their home. My parents proposed to have Maria as a maid for my apartment."
"I gladly approved because I love Maria, and usually I am very tired after work, so it is nice to have someone to take care of the home. Maria was also happy to keep working for us."
"My parents insisted to cover the whole wage of Maria until the end of my residency, even if I could do it (she earns about 2.5 times the minimal salary in my country)"
"Amy comes from a more modest background and doesn't understand the principle of having a maid. She doesn't want Maria to iron her clothes or tidying her stuff."
"I thought she wasn't used to it, but Amy seems to dislike Maria for some reason."
"Here is the conflict: yesterday Maria came to work and especially clean the bathroom, Amy was supposed to be at work, but she was showering and didn't put the lock, you know the rest."
"Amy got angry at Maria and yelled at her."
"Maria called me to explain the incident. She told me she apologized and tried to say she thought Amy was at work and that she rang the bell before entering with her key."
"When I came home, Amy was still angry. She says Maria is sneaky and creepy and that I should fire and we should just split chores."
"I try to calm her down and told her that maybe she was overreacting, but she is having none of it."
"Honestly, I don't want to ditch Maria, I have total trust in her. She is almost family to me. Also, I know I sound a bit lazy but both Amy and I have pretty demanding jobs, so dealing with chores after work would be tiring."
"Furthermore, it would, without doubt, upset my parents. I tried to explain all of this to Amy, but she called me an egoistical and lazy AH. She said that I choose Maria instead of her and her comfort."
"She is now giving me the cold shoulder."
"I feel bad about this, I talked about it with my friends. Some sides with me, but a few also say that I am in the wrong, I'm a bit torn."
"So AITA ?"'
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA"
"You are in a residency program and are understandably tired. Your family wants to help you and help Maria, something they can afford to do."
"I honestly don't see the problem."
"If the problem is that you are wealthier than Amy, then that problem is not going to go away."
"And I'm pretty sure that you want to continue living what is probably an American upper middle-class lifestyle."
"Amy is going to have to adjust, or I don't see how this can work out." - Right_Bee_9809
"Spot on. It's blatantly obvious that she has a massive lifestyle inferiority complex that is now causing her to lash out at Maria, who's essentially an innocent bystander in all of this."
"I grew up poor, studied, got into a good career, and eventually married into a much wealthier family."
"So I can understand how irrationally uncomfortable it is to suddenly have comforts paid by or chores done by others. It takes time to adjust to. I could tell you a lot of stories about it."
"But that discomfort does not justify the GF's cruelty towards Maria, not her tantrum over this, nor her disregard towards OP's family ties to Maria."
"OP is NTA. GF sure is." - NeitiCora
"NTA. Amy shows no compassion to people who you deem as trustworthy and who have been with you for a while. You are getting the preview of what she's like when she doesn't get her way."
"The way she yelled at Maria shows how she treats people. You're not the a**hole. She is. 🚩🚩🚩🚩" - Pandasrthebest
"NTA- my heart breaks for Maria who was just trying to do her job."
"Your gf's inferiority complex over your family's ability to afford a maid isn't your problem and she should not be taking it out on Maria." - _A-Q
"NTA. I'm from a Latin American country where both the highest and lowest classes would agree nothing is tackier than to get rid of the trusted staff that has seen the family's children grow."
"Your parents found a way to lighten Maria's load now that she is older. She went from cleaning a big house to cleaning an apartment with only two people."
"She is doing everything she can to do it while your gf is out in order not to be a bother."
"Your gf should be more understanding of a 57-year-old woman who still wants to earn her bread by doing honest work."
"If you were in my country, your parents would dislike your gf just for calling Maria creepy after she spent DECADES respecting their privacy and home."
"And that would apply even if she was the richest, poshest of them all." - quarantineinthesouth
"NTA. From what you wrote, Maria doesn't sound creepy, and she has been part of your life forever. I've had a maid, and I know how hard it is to find someone you trust."
"Additionally, that would create problems for you AND for your parents. Amy is thinking about herself. Which would be OK as long as she didn't try to direct your behaviour."
"For example, she could say 'I'd rather wash and iron my clothes myself'."
"But the moment she pushes for you to do house chores you don't want to do, you have a reasonable reason for not doing (demanding job)."
"AND you have the money to be able to afford a maid for, I see red flags shining bright." - pippi2424
"NTA"
"'she says Maria is sneaky and creepy and that I should fire and we should just split chores.'"
"I could be off here, but it seems she has trust issues more than you being "lazy." That seems a little weird to me given the context of Maria that you gave, as she is not just a random maid."
"There is nothing wrong with hiring a maid, and especially in the context you provided." - Pacquiao14
"NAH"
"I don't think you did anything wrong, your girlfriend knew about Maria being your maid (housekeeper?) before she moved in."
"And I absolutely think it's good you don't want to leave Maria hanging."
"But I also get her point of view, I personally wouldn't want a maid."
"I don't think maids are nosy, creepy people at all, but I would not want someone who isn't me or my partner to see my dirty underwear, and my trash etc."
"You have to understand that while Maria is like a family member to you, she's basically a stranger to Amy."
"The bathroom incident was unfortunate, but imo your girlfriend's fault - the schedule was clearly communicated."
"You'll need to sit down and solve this issue."
"If Amy absolutely does not want to ever have a maid work for her, and if you absolutely always want to have a maid work for you, maybe you're not that compatible."
"But maybe you'll also be able to solve that issue!" - annamariapix
"NTA. Although I do understand her not wanting her stuff to be touched, personally, I don't like anyone touching my clothes/items apart from my partner."
"The bathroom thing a genuine misunderstanding. I definitely don't think it's fair for her to say Maria is a creep." - No-Warning4684
"Wow, I'm amazed that you even need to ask this. You are definitely NTA."
"Your girlfriend sounds like an entitled monster without any regard for the livelihood and emotions of other."
"I'd keep the maid and get rid of your girlfriend" - therapoootic
Hopefully, this couple can sort it out.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.