We all have our own list of things that we want from a relationship as well as the things that we would absolutely not be okay with happening in that relationship.
For a relationship to really work, a new couple should discuss those relationship goals and relationship deal breakers right at the beginning of their time together, stressed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
While attending a friend's birthday party at a club, Redditor sooyass was shocked when his girlfriend gave the birthday girl a gift and then gave her a second gift by passionately making out with her while everyone watched and recorded them together.
When everyone insisted it wasn't a big deal and that he should find it 'hot,' the Original Poster (OP) questioned if he was overreacting by being furiously hurt by this.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for dumping my girlfriend because she passionately kissed another girl at a birthday party?"
The OP's relationship ended at a birthday party at the club.
"My (25 Male) and my ex-girlfriend (23 Female) were together for two years."
"A few days ago, we hit up a club to celebrate her friend's birthday."
"After the birthday cake came out, everyone started giving their gifts to the birthday friend."
"When my girlfriend handed her friend her gift, she started kissing her passionately."
"Everyone gathered around to watch, whipping out their phones and s**t. My friends were cheering and recording it."
"I'm not homophobic or anything but seeing them kissing like that really made my stomach turn."
"When they kept on kissing I tried to break it up but they just kept going."
"When this bulls**t went on for more than a few minutes, I just couldn't take it anymore, so I left the club and texted my girlfriend that we were done."
The OP's ex-girlfriend and friends were all criticizing him for his reaction.
"She's been trying to reach me for three days now but I just don't wanna see her."
"That s**t doesn't turn me on, man; I hate it."
"My friends are like, 'If you're jealous of your girl kissing another chick, you're not a real man,' and 'Bro, she's not gay; they are friends; calm down.'"
"I'm not religious; I'm a nonbeliever. And I am not homophobic. But I have boundaries within a relationship, and I believe in being in a monogamous relationship."
"If she wanted something else, she should have discussed that with me at the beginning of our relationship, not expose me to it at a party."
"Anyway, I'm done with her and I ain't going back to that relationship."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that his ex-girlfriend should have discussed her expectations upfront.
"NTA."
"If she wanted you to accept a rule that would allow her to make out with her female friends, that would have had to be something she brought up in advance and talked to you about before she did it, and you would have had every right to say no."
"Instead, apparently the rule is she does whatever the f**k she wants and notices that you don't like it and gets to keep doing it some more because your feelings don't matter."
"Your friends can keep her." - nylonvest
"NTA. She straight up disrespected your relationship and cheated on you right in front of you and everyone else."
"It does not matter if she 'isn't gay' or that she was kissing another girl. Clearly, she enjoyed it enough to do it for that long."
"Your friends seem like a bunch of unsympathetic jerks."
"Unless you and your girlfriend established boundaries that said that stuff was okay, then she violated your boundaries and cheated."
"Your feelings are valid and you owe her nothing. If you want to talk to her to hear what bulls**t she has to say, then that is up to you, but you don't owe her that." - funguy2211711
"It especially bothers me that he tried to pull them apart and she kept going. She KNEW it was disrespectful and she KNEW he was uncomfortable."
"She's twenty-f**king-three. Making these mistakes in high school is understandable, but she's waaayyyy too grown up to try and act like she didn't know exactly what she was doing. She's also too grown to take the 'but I was drunk so I shouldn't face consequences' route."
"Yes, girls make out with their friends when they're drunk (I'm one of them) but any reasonable person knows not to do so when you have a partner (unless the partner has said it's okay obviously)." - Dismal_Reputation522
"If I were the OP, I would have told the ex, 'You may not call it cheating, but I do. You were physically intimate with someone outside of our relationship. That is a hard boundary for me. You can hate me all you like for this, but your lack of respect for my feelings shows me that this was the right decision. Please don't contact me again.'"
"At least, that's where my head goes. I would follow that up by blocking her everywhere. I'm sorry she did this to you. NTA." - virtualchoirboy
"As a lesbian woman, I can say you are 100% not homophobic. You are actually less homophobic than your ex, who is saying how two women kissing is a spectacle to be fetishized (big yikes) and how you should 'enjoy.' But it is gross if you are not into polygamy!"
"She cheated and diminished your feelings. It's awful and I'm sorry dude." - kcto-oaxaca
"NTA."
"You're allowed to define cheating however you choose, and you're allowed to date (or not date) anyone you wish for any reason you choose. That particular situation must've been pretty traumatizing with how public and uncomfortable it was."
"To your friends who don't get it: it's not their business. You don't climb into their beds with their significant others, they should stay out of yours. Don't drop the soap in the shower around that bunch if they think sexual orientation overrules the definitions of cheating. Would love to hear their thoughts on the flexibility of consent while they're making idiots of themselves."
"And even if you did want to think, 'Well, it was just kissing,' then where is the line?"
"Is it just sexting? Is it just kissing? Is it only a short-term affair? Is it only a two-year affair? Is it okay for you to kiss a girl you don't find attractive? Is it okay to have sex with a girl you don't find attractive? What if you don't really enjoy it, it doesn't count as cheating if you don't enjoy it right?"
"Turns out, you have a zero-tolerance policy for cheating. That's a good thing, makes you low drama and it's really not that hard, instead of cheating you actually get to do less, and nothing is better." - michuru809
Others were grossed out by the ex-girlfriend cheating but putting on a show.
"She not only cheated but was putting on a 'show' for people." - Kabc
"That's so humiliating for OP. I would've walked out and broken up with her even if it didn't turn into a show. But OP stood there and watched his girlfriend be unfaithful for several minutes? And even tried to break them up? Nah fam, that's disrespect to the highest degree." - Uninterruptible_
"I split with the mother of my kids for the same thing. I woke up on my couch and went to the kitchen... she was making out with her best friend while that girl's boyfriend watched. I noped the f**k out of there. No telling what happened after I left."
"I put everything of hers on the curb the next day when I got back from my parents."
"I totally agree with the OP's decision. This isn't on him at all." - Federal-Commission87
"She cheated. She cheated publicly. She cheated without even considering your feelings. That must have been humiliating, and I'm sorry." - welovegv
"Your ex-girlfriend is a fool. Suppose you started passionately kissing another woman (or even a man) in front of her and all your friends and kept it up for several minutes. Would that be OK?"
"I would have dumped her, too. She was not the kind of person I'd want a relationship with."
"NTA." - FitOrFat-1999
"NTA. Here is one woman's perspective. Good for you. She got what she deserved. She disrespected you in public."
"It does not matter if with a woman or another man, it was cheating and disrespectful."
"Tell your stupid friends to kick rocks. Keep blocking her and move on. She is not worth the mental health issues that come with her type of thinking." - WhatHappenedMonday
"Your friends sound like they spent too much time at frat parties or never graduated high school. Second, I've had a similar situation happen to me. That s**t ain't hot; it's disrespectful; for her to even think that's okay is crazy, bro."
"You tried to stop it, and it kept going, weird as f**k. It's a good thing you left her. She knows what she did, so don't give her closure. Unless you want closure, but I don't know why you would need it. Leave the one who shall not be named in the dark." - Hot_Professional6343
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
"I've been thinking about what really led me to break up for a while. It's like 40% her kissing someone and 60% her turning it into some kind of show since everyone filmed it."
"After I posted about it, I decided to talk to her once to hear her out, and it happened on Valentine's Day, which made her think that I forgave her. I was pretty calm talking to her and told that I was serious about breaking up."
"She still thinks I'll come back to her once I calm down because she keeps posting stupid lyrics on Instagram like, 'This love ain't finished yet.'"
"She said, 'That kiss didn't mean anything. We were just drunk, and I thought you'd be cool with it. Guys like that.' She looked pretty sorry and apologized to me multiple times."
"We talked for about an hour, but she kept repeating herself."
"Every time I watch videos people sent me, I get angry all over again. It's disgusting to think she'd put on a show for horny dudes around her while ignoring her boyfriend's pleas to stop."
"That girl she kissed and her other friends keep texting me, and they're mad at me for blowing this up."
"I couldn't care less about any of them. I'm done. I can't fix it anymore."
The subReddit couldn't help but shake their heads at the girlfriend's logic and willingness to ignore her boyfriend's wishes while essentially gaslighting him completely.
By continually pressuring him to 'like' what she did and to 'be a man' about it, she and their friends were minimizing his feelings and disrespecting his values.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.