Let's get one thing clear: unless it's a terrible emergency where we need information, it's never okay to snoop through someone else's phone.
It's also not okay to collect someone else's contact information and ruin one of their key relationships, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Fit-Specific-1204 had been dating a woman for about six months and thought things were going well, until she did something terrible while he was sleeping.
Not only did she take his phone and snoop through it, but when the Original Poster (OP) discovered that she'd also taken his mom's phone number and texted her to tell her that the OP didn't like her, he wasn't sure this relationship could last.
He asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for confronting my girlfriend about going through my phone while I was asleep and messaging my mother?"
The OP had a wonderful day with his girlfriend.
"I spent the day with my girlfriend of six months. We went out and about and had a good time, and when we got back, I sat down with her and bought Christmas presents for her and her family, as I'd been invited to spend Christmas with her family."
"So we had a really good day, and we're in a good space at this point, and I was tired and decided to take a nap."
But then the OP's girlfriend did something unthinkable.
"During my nap, she had gone onto my phone (I have nothing to hide, so I wasn't worried about snooping, but still), taken my mother's number, and saved my mother as a contact on her phone."
"Then she messaged her the following: 'Hi, you don't know me, but I'm the OP's girlfriend. He hates you, but I wanted to say hi. Do yourself a favor and don't tell him I messaged you; he doesn't want you or anyone to find out about us, and he wouldn't appreciate you asking questions.'"
The OP did not know what to think of his girlfriend's actions.
"I confronted her when I woke up to messages from my mother, and all I got were tears, apologies because she didn't mean to hurt me, and the closest thing to a reason as to why was, 'I wanted to be friends with her,' but the message totally contradicts that."
"I'm honestly stumped at this."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some thought the OP's girlfriend was exhibiting behaviors no one should choose to date.
"She piles lies on top of lies when she's caught red-handed. It means you'll never be able to resolve any conflict with her. Your relationship is over, run away fast!" - TheToi
"She's shown a distinct lack of respect, common courtesy, and emotional manipulation. Dump." - TheLastflyingBison12
"NOR. She has no respect for you or your mother or your family. Run away now while you still can." - McDWarner
"I bet his mother was crushed by the statement that her son hates her. That s**t is just vile and evil."
"Whether or not you have a relationship with your mom, she should never step in like that. I mean, what in the h**l is she trying to accomplish? To cut him off from his family, maybe, or she's jealous of the relationship he has with his mother. There is no sane reason to do this." - Shadow4summer
"NOR…UNDERreacting. She's profoundly vicious. She's irredeemably mean. And she's a gross liar. If you don't run far and fast, everything that follows is your fault. (Also, everyone should block her immediately.)" - Manatee269
"Do yourself a favor and leave her. She way overstepped, and this is weird behavior." - Longjumping-Honey-76
"She's trying to alienate you from your family and tried to keep it a secret. She would rather your mother think you told her that and you to lose your relationship with her than to share you with your own family."
"Even if you told her that it's not her place to voice it. Why is this person in your life? Honestly, I doubt you'll dump her, but I promise you this will end, and it will end very, very badly." - Dmau27
"NOR. But you are underreacting. Is your mother the only person she messaged? Make sure you check."
"This woman is not someone to build a future with. This is unhinged behaviour, and it won't get better."
"Leave. And take care. Warn work and friends that she may contact them, trying to cause trouble. I doubt very much that your mother's number was the only one she put in her phone." - purpleroller
"NOR. This is just the beginning!! It's only been six months, and this is her? This is what she's already comfortable showing you?"
"Do you honestly wanna find out more as you invest more time?"
"Oh my, don't do it. Get out of this before you're in too deep." - lucydlu
"Too many humans overlook this behavior to try and make things work in toxic relationships, and end up being miserable down the line far too often. Leaving her is the best course of action. You cannot possibly think this relationship is capable of being salvaged."
"This advice saves a lot of people a lot of stress and heartache in a lot of situations. Are there times when the internet consensus is wrong when this advice is given? Sure. It happens. But this situation ain't it."
"What could possibly nip this in the bud when she's this crazy at only six months in?" - Token_Handicap
Others found this to be much bigger than a few girlfriend red flags.
"This is not a red flag. This is a red fireworks explosion. You owe her and her family nothing. RUN." - Syenadi
"NOR. What she texted doesn't even make sense... it was taunting, bullying, egging in for drama... what is with these people who like to destroy good things." - CleoJK
"NOR. That is psychotic behaviour. If you stay in that relationship, you are in for a world of manipulation and toxic behaviour. It's not worth it for such a new relationship. Call it off and wish her well, but move on." - False-Emu-1742
"NOR. Run, Forrest, run!"
"Sounds like a narc attempt to separate you from your family and that she is hanging onto some huge resentment about being hidden..."
"I've met my boyfriend's mom (it took two years before I got to meet her, though), and even now I WOULD NEVER reach out to her without his approval, let alone access his phone and violate his trust!"
"No good can come of that." - ----Clementine----
"Why are you questioning anything? This is insane behaviour."
"Six months in, and she's messaged your own mother that. Come on..."
"I know it's hard thinking about breaking up and the stuff that follows a break-up, but leave this person. You'll be happier in the long run. You only live once, so ensure you're happy for that one life. This isn't it." - cannibalcats
"NOR. She messaged your possibly estranged mom to introduce herself, tell your mom you hate her, but gf wants to be friends with her?"
"If real, this gf has broken your trust and antagonized what may already be a difficult relationship with you. There's no redeeming herself from that. Return any gifts for her and her family. Block her and move on." - curiosity60
"Take the presents back for a refund and be done. What she did was wrong, and the things she said were horrible to your mother. She completely disrespected you and your mother."
"She's not trustworthy, and imagine if you married this person. First off, you'll have no relationship with your family. She will control who has relationships with you by doing exactly what she has shown to you she will do."
"Will she contact your boss and say things to them so you lose your job? Who knows. I had someone in my home for a very short time just like her and she was so destructive to every aspect in my life and always tried to be the innocent one." - lahneah
"This is a situation where you break up immediately."
"She violated your privacy, she crossed a boundary that you set about not letting your mom know about you two. She's the type of person to do what she wants, no matter what you feel or think. She doesn't care about crossing boundaries and inserted herself into your and your mother's relationship."
"Ask yourself, what else could she do if she's done this. Is she going to secretly message your friends and damage your relationships with them?" - castrodelavaga79
Fellow Redditors were shocked by what the OP's girlfriend had done, especially only six months into their relationship, and when the OP was excited to celebrate with her family for Christmas.
A person's relationship with their parents, and even possible estrangement, is entirely their business and is not something a new partner should meddle in, especially while they're sleeping and while using contact information that was not given to them in the first place.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.