Group vacations, whether with family or friends, can be a lot of fun.
Or they can be full of drama.
A woman whose girls trip caused hurt feelings, even before the trip even happened, turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit to pose a “Would I Be The A**hole” (WIBTA) scenario for feedback.
Turtletank1005 asked:
“WIBTA for canceling on a girls trip after the plans changed?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My friends and I have been planning on going to Japan sometime in 2026 for a girls’ trip.”
“The oldest of us 4 girls has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for 10+ years, I’ve been with my husband for 6 years, another girl has been with her girlfriend for 3 years, and the youngest (and biggest planner so far) of us has been dating her boyfriend for about a year.”
“When we first started talking about it, we said girls’ trip. Now, all of a sudden, we have the boyfriend of a year tagging along.”
“I literally just found out about it after reading our document we made to keep plans straight. She is currently working, so I haven’t been able to talk to her.”
“No other partner is allowed to come with. When I found out, I lost my cool.”
“I told my husband how I was already on the fence about leaving the country without him and how it pissed me off that I can’t have my HUSBAND come with, but my friend’s boyfriend can come with and I’m still expected to pay for a fourth of everything.”
“All us girls are expected to absorb his share of things. Since my friend is making the decisions on where we are staying and flights, I can’t just tell her my husband is coming with us.”
“So I’m strongly thinking I just say I’m out and explain why. I just worry that my friends would think I’m overthinking.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I would be withdrawing my money and myself from the trip.”
“I already agreed to go and was putting money in a separate traveling account.”
“And taking myself out of the equation would force the other 2 girls to pay for the 3rd girl’s boyfriend alone.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors decided the OP would not be the a**hole (NTA/WNBTA).
“It sounds like you have found out through a document that her boyfriend is coming. You have not spoken to her to have this confirmed. So respond to the shared document and say, ‘I just want to make sure that I’m reading this correctly. It looks like the boyfriend is coming.’ Once you get a yes or no from that, then you can respond more.”
“If it’s no, he’s not coming, end of discussion. Yes, he is coming, then ‘hey, I really thought this was a girls trip. It isn’t sitting right with me that it was opened up to him without a group discussion, and now he’s coming, but it’s not open to the other guys.”
“You can then go on about a room being split four ways, both sharing a bed so where does the 5th sleep. Or splitting two rooms, where you now have someone sharing a room with a couple, and who agreed to that? So there are going to be price changes and ask those to be addressed.”
“If the answers aren’t satisfactory, you have a choice to say, ‘while I was really excited about this, it’s not the trip I had imagined or wanted so I feel I need to back out’. Or ‘We need to discuss a different division of money; he needs to contribute. I’m willing to put in $’ or ‘I don’t know if I can trust you to not make big changes without consulting us’.”
“Or you go ahead with it and reevaluate your friendship. Quite honestly, you’re going to be reevaluating your friendship if it’s not a typo because it’s rude that she didn’t communicate with you guys before making a big change. NTA.” ~ Sunnyok85
“NTA. She is gonna pick things for the two of them, and you’re all gonna bankroll them and then be left swinging any time she wants alone time. (at least half the evenings).” ~ TheMightyKunkel
“NTA. No effing way! Bad enough that she is changing the plans by inviting her boyfriend on a dedicated girls trip, but excluding anyone else from inviting partners and expecting you all to cover his costs? Absolutely not.”
“Ditch her and the boyfriend, and you and the other girls take your own trip without them. Make sure she reimburses you for any money you have paid as well.” ~ Pure-Philosopher-175
“NTA and please drop out. I don’t see the other girls being OK with this either.”
“My friend group takes girls’ trips all the time. We’re planning one to NOLA and a husband is coming. A comment was made ‘well, he’s one of the girls’.”
“I spoke up about it, and now it’s a couples trip. Cool. Plans changed. But it’s not a girls’ trip. I don’t care that’s he’s great. It changes everything.”
“Please speak up. It’s not too late to change it to a couples trip or back out of the trip completely. You shouldn’t be pressured into a trip like that for any reason.” ~ RemarkableAmoeba3841
Although some took exception to the OP not yet having discussions with the other people going on the planned trip.
“Because you haven’t addressed the concerns with her yet: ESH.”
“I think it’s fair that these changes are impacting your desire to go. But venting on here and being ready to pull the plug without even being like, ‘Yo, your Boyfriend is coming on our girls trip, and we’re paying for him? WTF?’.”
“If she is insistent on him coming, then you would be well within your right to pull out of the trip and once you’ve actually addressed it with her, I would say you are not the a**hole.” ~ Redlight0516
“OP don’t make assumptions before you talk to her and everyone else. There has been no real communication yet, slow down. ESH.” ~ abovewater_fornow
But others had OP’s back.
“I want to take a second to acknowledge all the (some of them really harsh) comments about OP coming to Reddit first, not communicating, etc…”
“Sometimes conflict is scary for people, and OP may just want to know if her request is valid before getting into potential conflict. I totally feel that.”
“You WNBTA if you cancelled if your friend says her boyfriend can come, but your husband cannot. A trip to Japan is expensive and you shouldn’t spend that much money for an experience that is not what you signed up for.”
“Also, I may be misunderstanding, but it sounds like the boyfriend is not paying for anything at all? That’s the biggest hell no for me. If he’s coming, there are 5 people coming, and you are only paying 1/5. Stand your ground on that; that’s ridiculous.”
“I hope you can talk to your friend about how you’re feeling and that things work out for the best! Good luck.” ~ Apprehensive_Poodle
“NTA, this is a material change from the original trip. Moreover, why is your friend the Travel Dictator? Kick her and the freeloader to the curb and plan your own trip.” ~ johnnydlive
The OP provided an update:
“I wasn’t asking for advice. I just wanted to know if I would be the a**hole for dipping.”
“To all of those saying I’m the a**hole for coming to Reddit first, I did because I have been known to overreact, and I wanted an outsider’s opinion before I went full crazy like I did with my husband when I first found out.”
“That being said, I was half correct in the assumption that he is coming, and he would not be paying. It was ‘only fair’ that we contributed by paying for his lodging. He would pay for any of his food or activities.”
“Also, she feels we only really need one man in our group, as more than one would make things too complicated with traveling around Japan.”
“The reason she put it in the document was because she figured it would be easier for us to digest that the plans were, and I quote, ‘minorly tweaked’ instead of telling us she wanted him to go.”
“I told her I didn’t feel comfortable with him tagging along as I hardly know him, and it wasn’t in the plans, and by him being there, she will change how she acts, and we all agreed we needed to let loose.”
“After much screaming back and forth about if one couple goes, then all couples should get the chance to, I was told I could either just shut up or not go. Since the other girls have no issue with him going as long as he pays, I should be fine, too.”
“So I told her I would not be going. My husband and I are planning to go somewhere else instead.”
While this may not bode well for this friendship, it might not be any great loss.