Group vacations, whether with family or friends, can be a lot of fun.
Or they can be full of drama.
A woman whose girls trip caused hurt feelings, even before the trip even happened, turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit to pose a "Would I Be The A**hole" (WIBTA) scenario for feedback.
Turtletank1005 asked:
"WIBTA for canceling on a girls trip after the plans changed?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My friends and I have been planning on going to Japan sometime in 2026 for a girls' trip."
"The oldest of us 4 girls has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for 10+ years, I've been with my husband for 6 years, another girl has been with her girlfriend for 3 years, and the youngest (and biggest planner so far) of us has been dating her boyfriend for about a year."
"When we first started talking about it, we said girls' trip. Now, all of a sudden, we have the boyfriend of a year tagging along."
"I literally just found out about it after reading our document we made to keep plans straight. She is currently working, so I haven't been able to talk to her."
"No other partner is allowed to come with. When I found out, I lost my cool."
"I told my husband how I was already on the fence about leaving the country without him and how it pissed me off that I can't have my HUSBAND come with, but my friend's boyfriend can come with and I'm still expected to pay for a fourth of everything."
"All us girls are expected to absorb his share of things. Since my friend is making the decisions on where we are staying and flights, I can't just tell her my husband is coming with us."
"So I'm strongly thinking I just say I'm out and explain why. I just worry that my friends would think I'm overthinking."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I would be withdrawing my money and myself from the trip."
"I already agreed to go and was putting money in a separate traveling account."
"And taking myself out of the equation would force the other 2 girls to pay for the 3rd girl's boyfriend alone."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors decided the OP would not be the a**hole (NTA/WNBTA).
"It sounds like you have found out through a document that her boyfriend is coming. You have not spoken to her to have this confirmed. So respond to the shared document and say, 'I just want to make sure that I'm reading this correctly. It looks like the boyfriend is coming.' Once you get a yes or no from that, then you can respond more."
"If it's no, he's not coming, end of discussion. Yes, he is coming, then 'hey, I really thought this was a girls trip. It isn't sitting right with me that it was opened up to him without a group discussion, and now he's coming, but it's not open to the other guys."
"You can then go on about a room being split four ways, both sharing a bed so where does the 5th sleep. Or splitting two rooms, where you now have someone sharing a room with a couple, and who agreed to that? So there are going to be price changes and ask those to be addressed."
"If the answers aren't satisfactory, you have a choice to say, 'while I was really excited about this, it's not the trip I had imagined or wanted so I feel I need to back out'. Or 'We need to discuss a different division of money; he needs to contribute. I'm willing to put in $' or 'I don't know if I can trust you to not make big changes without consulting us'."
"Or you go ahead with it and reevaluate your friendship. Quite honestly, you're going to be reevaluating your friendship if it's not a typo because it's rude that she didn't communicate with you guys before making a big change. NTA." ~ Sunnyok85
"NTA. She is gonna pick things for the two of them, and you're all gonna bankroll them and then be left swinging any time she wants alone time. (at least half the evenings)." ~ TheMightyKunkel
"NTA. No effing way! Bad enough that she is changing the plans by inviting her boyfriend on a dedicated girls trip, but excluding anyone else from inviting partners and expecting you all to cover his costs? Absolutely not."
"Ditch her and the boyfriend, and you and the other girls take your own trip without them. Make sure she reimburses you for any money you have paid as well." ~ Pure-Philosopher-175
"NTA and please drop out. I don't see the other girls being OK with this either."
"My friend group takes girls' trips all the time. We're planning one to NOLA and a husband is coming. A comment was made 'well, he's one of the girls'."
"I spoke up about it, and now it's a couples trip. Cool. Plans changed. But it's not a girls' trip. I don't care that's he's great. It changes everything."
"Please speak up. It's not too late to change it to a couples trip or back out of the trip completely. You shouldn't be pressured into a trip like that for any reason." ~ RemarkableAmoeba3841
Although some took exception to the OP not yet having discussions with the other people going on the planned trip.
"Because you haven't addressed the concerns with her yet: ESH."
"I think it's fair that these changes are impacting your desire to go. But venting on here and being ready to pull the plug without even being like, 'Yo, your Boyfriend is coming on our girls trip, and we're paying for him? WTF?'."
"If she is insistent on him coming, then you would be well within your right to pull out of the trip and once you've actually addressed it with her, I would say you are not the a**hole." ~ Redlight0516
"OP don't make assumptions before you talk to her and everyone else. There has been no real communication yet, slow down. ESH." ~ abovewater_fornow
But others had OP's back.
"I want to take a second to acknowledge all the (some of them really harsh) comments about OP coming to Reddit first, not communicating, etc…"
"Sometimes conflict is scary for people, and OP may just want to know if her request is valid before getting into potential conflict. I totally feel that."
"You WNBTA if you cancelled if your friend says her boyfriend can come, but your husband cannot. A trip to Japan is expensive and you shouldn't spend that much money for an experience that is not what you signed up for."
"Also, I may be misunderstanding, but it sounds like the boyfriend is not paying for anything at all? That's the biggest hell no for me. If he's coming, there are 5 people coming, and you are only paying 1/5. Stand your ground on that; that's ridiculous."
"I hope you can talk to your friend about how you're feeling and that things work out for the best! Good luck." ~ Apprehensive_Poodle
"NTA, this is a material change from the original trip. Moreover, why is your friend the Travel Dictator? Kick her and the freeloader to the curb and plan your own trip." ~ johnnydlive
The OP provided an update:
"I wasn't asking for advice. I just wanted to know if I would be the a**hole for dipping."
"To all of those saying I'm the a**hole for coming to Reddit first, I did because I have been known to overreact, and I wanted an outsider's opinion before I went full crazy like I did with my husband when I first found out."
"That being said, I was half correct in the assumption that he is coming, and he would not be paying. It was 'only fair' that we contributed by paying for his lodging. He would pay for any of his food or activities."
"Also, she feels we only really need one man in our group, as more than one would make things too complicated with traveling around Japan."
"The reason she put it in the document was because she figured it would be easier for us to digest that the plans were, and I quote, 'minorly tweaked' instead of telling us she wanted him to go."
"I told her I didn't feel comfortable with him tagging along as I hardly know him, and it wasn't in the plans, and by him being there, she will change how she acts, and we all agreed we needed to let loose."
"After much screaming back and forth about if one couple goes, then all couples should get the chance to, I was told I could either just shut up or not go. Since the other girls have no issue with him going as long as he pays, I should be fine, too."
"So I told her I would not be going. My husband and I are planning to go somewhere else instead."
While this may not bode well for this friendship, it might not be any great loss.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.