No one wants to be told that they're holding someone else back. We want to be involved in people's successes, not their demise.
And it's a hurtful enough concept that cutting contact with the person we might be holding back can be easier than keeping them in our life, empathized the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
After his girlfriend broke up with him via text, stating that he was holding her back, Redditor Commercial-Yak-3422 decided it was best to block her number and move on.
But when she later accused him of never caring about her at all and not trying to stay in her life, the Original Poster (OP) questioned if he was somehow wrong for taking her text message at face value.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for blocking my ex when she broke up with me?"
The OP's long-time recently broke up with him via text message.
"My (19 Male) ex-girlfriend (20 Female) of three years broke up with me Sunday night over text."
"She told me that she felt like my lack of ambition was holding her back, and she needed to move on with her life because she felt like I didn't value her."
"When she sent me that, I just sent back, 'Okay,' blocked her number, and fell asleep shortly after."
The OP's ex-girlfriend involved themselves in the breakup the next day.
"I did not block her friends and had loads of messages yesterday morning when I woke up. They were asking me to unblock her and to talk to her."
"My sister (20 Female) is also friends with my ex-girlfriend. She told me that my ex was hurt by my sudden block and that she still wanted to talk to me for closure and wanted to make sure I was okay."
"I told my sister that I was okay and that I didn't want to talk to my ex but would like it if she could tell her I appreciate her checking on me."
"My sister was not happy with this and told me that it was a hard decision for my ex, and she just wanted to talk to me."
"I again told her I was fine and that I'd rather not."
"My sister then told me that I'm acting 'insanely calm' for being broken up with someone I was with for three years. I again told her I was fine."
"She asked me if I cried and I told her that I didn't and I just fell asleep listening to music."
"My sister told me that she was concerned about my 'lack of emotion' and told me that my behavior wasn't normal. I told her that I'm not obligated to cry over anything and I think it's weird that she was acting like I was."
The OP decided he'd had enough of the conversation with his sister.
"My sister once again told me that it wouldn't hurt to have one conversation with my ex because she was still 'worried' about me and wanted to stay friends."
"I once again told her that I was fine and didn't want to talk to her."
"She told me that my lack of compassion was 'psychotic.' That p**sed me off, so I just started ignoring her, and she eventually left me alone."
Then, the OP's parents got involved, too.
"This morning, when I woke up, my sister sent me a bunch of text messages again, so I just blocked her. Because of this, she went and told our parents."
"They were upset with me for blocking my ex without communicating first. They said that we've been together long enough and they thought of her as a second daughter."
"I was just aggravated at this point and told them that I'd appreciate it if they minded their business, but they didn't stop, so I told them that I wouldn't hesitate to block them too if they continued, which caused them to stop."
"They apologized to me and told me that they didn't mean any harm but just felt like it was a little 'inconsiderate' of me to block her without talking about it first, but they won't press me to talk to her if I don't want too."
"AITAH?"
In a second post, the OP clarified a few points about the relationship and his sister.
"After all of this happened, my ex showed up at my parents' house during Easter with my sister."
"My parents and I weren't even made aware that she was coming. She told us that she only came because she had no other way to communicate with me."
"She told me that she was extremely hurt by me blocking her right off the bat because it made her feel like I actually didn't care about her at all. She said she thought that I would have loved her enough to try and better myself for her."
"I was confused by this, to be honest. I told her that she said I was holding her back, and she needed to move on."
"If anyone told me that I was holding them back in life, I probably would've blocked them too. I told her that even if she didn't say that, I still wouldn't have begged her to stay."
"We kind of talked a little more after that, and then she got my sister to take her back home."
The OP's sister continued to insert herself into the situation.
"When my sister came back, she was mad at me again because she said that I caused my ex to cry and I was simply punishing her for caring about me."
"My parents are mad at my sister, though, because they said it was unnecessary of her to do that at their house because it made the atmosphere awkward for everyone."
"Other than that, I've just been chilling. I don't think I'm going to try to date anybody else soon, though, or at least not someone my sister is friends with because it makes me uncomfortable with how much she's invested in my life."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that his ex-girlfriend got exactly what she asked for.
"This girl overplayed her hand. What she THOUGHT was that OP would beg her to stay and ask what he could change about himself to improve. Instead, OP was like, 'Cool, peace out.'" - Dewhickey76
"NTA, she broke up with you, and she has no reasonable way to expect that you would continue to follow her around like a lost puppy."
"Showing up at your parents' house to talk to you after you blocked her is stalker behavior, so she made herself cry when it didn't turn out like she wanted." - BeautifulPhantom1
"I absolutely hate the manipulative behavior that some people exhibit. I guess she broke up with you and thought you would be devastated and do anything to get her back, but you just moved on and she freaked out."
"Your sister has no business in your business, either. Maybe go lower contact with your sister and no contact with your ex unless you actually want her back."
"I personally HATE game playing and would dump anyone who tries to do it." - RevealActive4557
"Yeah, you have no reason at all to not block her. If she really broke up with you in an attempt to get you to level up for her, that is absolutely moronic. I wonder what dumb-a** other woman in her life told her that this was a good idea. She 100% did not get that advice from a man because any man would have told her that that idea was idi*tic."
"We should all be going full no contact after a breakup. Also, why the h**l would you try to convince someone who has already decided that they don't want you anymore to stay with you? Who the h**l would want to be with a woman who doesn't want to be with them? That sounds like a nightmare relationship." - -THE-UNKN0WN-
"NTA. If someone you've been dating for years breaks up with you over text, they don't deserve any more of your time, let alone ambushing you for the worst Easter basket surprise of all time. Like, she ended it, she doesn't get to demand closure."
"Good on you for taking a much-needed self-care break, especially from your sister's friends!" - letsrockhoundroll
Others agreed and pointed out the sister was acting like this directly impacted her.
"This is madness. Also, your ex broke up with you; not your sister. Your parents are rightfully so for being annoyed with your sister."
"Your sister is making this about her. She has main character energy." - SometimesOKmaybe
"She actually thought it was appropriate to come to your folks' place to confront you about not chasing after her during Easter? She's certainly a special kind of something."
"As for your sister, tell the busybody to date her if she wants to be that far up her business, but you don't need the dog and pony show anymore." - Electronic_Goose3894
"She deserves exactly what's happened. If there is something that needs to change, you talk like an adult to your partner and see if you can come to a good compromise. If you can, that's awesome. If you can't, it's a shame, but you aren't compatible."
"OP's ex-girlfriend played stupid games and won stupid prizes, and the OP's sister is way out of line for encouraging this kind of behavior. Saying OP needs to accommodate this kind of ridiculous behavior." - GeneralStorm
"Where does your sister get off trying to tell you how to act and feel? You were the one who got dropped over text, and they still managed to make you the bad guy? Don't unblock your ex, either, don't fall for her silly games." - Unable-Selection-746
"Well OP seems that your sister doesn't respect your boundaries and your decisions just because your ex was one of her friends. If it was another person, she would not say a thing."
"She's also made this whole mess bigger than it should have been."
"Now about your ex, if she was so concerned about you and wanted for you to fight for her, then at least she would have taken the considerations of breaking up with you and explained herself in person, face to face, and not through a message. That is very immature."
"Also, she clearly told you about her feeling that you are holding her back. Well, if that is the case, the OKAY you sent was perfectly fine because you understood that for her, you were a ballast, and any person would do the same by saying Okay and blocking this person to stop being a ballast to them, so they can set free, but it seems that she didn't know what she wanted."
"In the end, you did well, and now you know that your sister will always choose her friend's side before you and that tells you a LOT." - FlygonosK
This situation was as straightforward for the rest of the subReddit as it was for the OP. Since his ex-girlfriend said she wanted to break up, and her boyfriend was holding her back, it made sense for her boyfriend to make a clean break and exit her life.
If exiting her life wasn't what the OP's ex-girlfriend wanted, she should have either asked for something else or had a more involved conversation with the OP, preferably not over a text message.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.