Truth telling in a relationship seems to always lead people to stress.
Why? Who knows.
It's the truth.
The problem is everyone's interpretation of the truth can be different.
So the delivery and the landing can lead to chaos.
Case in point...
Redditor throwawayzebra3 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for pointing out my GF’s (lack of) work habits?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I might get roasted for this, but here goes."
"My g[irl]f[riend] complained recently about missing a promotion."
"Some guy in her department got promoted instead."
I don’t know the dude or anything about him."
"But she called it a boys club and is complaining that he got it for being a dude."
"Ok here’s what I do know."
"My gf has terrible work habits."
"We both live together and we work from home, so I see her every single day."
"Here’s her typical work day: 9-10am she’s doing chores around the apartment."
"At 10am she signs in for a few meetings."
"From 10:30-12 she does work."
"At 12 she goes to gym for 2 hours, then stops to eat lunch."
"She gets back at 3 and surfs social media for an hour or so before heading taking the dogs out at 4:30."
"She’s back at 5, then shuts her computer off."
"That’s right- she works maybe 2-2.5 hours a day."
"Sometimes she has an additional meeting or two that takes some time."
"Here’s where I maybe the AH."
"After a week straight of complaining about patriarchy I finally broke and told her, 'maybe he just works harder than you.'"
"She was like, 'what does that mean?'"
"Then I told her she only works 2 hours a day, and maybe that’s enough to get by, but not enough to get ahead."
"Holy crap did she blow up at me."
"I’m not gonna repeat it all here but she accused me of being a woman hater, being part of the problem and a lot more."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA, because sometimes, everybody just has to hear an ugly truth."
"Blaming failure on external circumstances is never the best option for growth and self-reflection."
"Her response was uncalled for." ~ ToiletPaperGanon
"NTA, but I probably would have just kept my mouth shut and let her feel how she feels about it."
"You don’t truly know how much work the person who did get the promotion actually puts in, and some people take 2-2.5 hours to do what it takes others 8 to do."
"So, misogyny aside, you don’t really know all the circumstances as to why she perceives the situation as unfair."
"I just don’t think you had much to gain by interjecting this time." ~ ygf107
"She is doing something, but clearly not enough to be promoted."
"Let's be honest here, she could achieve 3 times as much if she actually put in 8 hours of work a day (which is what she gets paid for)."
"No misogyny here, just denial." ~ Objective_Tour_6583
"My job is variable."
"Some days, I have nothing to do. Some days, I'm slammed."
"It's just the nature of the kind of work I do."
"A lot of jobs are like that."
"On my slow days I'll do a load of laundry or listen to a podcast or whatever."
"Doesn't mean I'm not getting all my work done."
"And I can't make work that doesn't exist appear out of thin air."
"Without knowing the specifics of the GF's job responsibilities, you can't really judge." ~ vurplesun
"NTA - but you need to learn the phrase 'fix it or just listen.'"
"By telling her she needs to work harder you were attempting to fix it."
"She most likely just wanted to vent." ~ Mono275
"Not enough info to be honest."
"You just said that you have no idea how much the other guy works for."
"For all we know he could be working less or the same amount as her."
"What kind of job does she have where she gets to work for 2 hours a day?"
"You can see how irritating it would be if somebody just randomly said 'they're just working harder' when you know for a fact that you and the other person work the same amount, right?"
"So the outburst shouldn't of been a surprise."
"Regardless it doesn't really seem like she was trying to actually explain anything to you and just started throwing accusations."
"Taking everything at face value, I'd say you're NTA."
"For clarification: You'd really only be AH if you didn't bother listening to her side but I do find it odd how you don't seem to know what her job is."
"I'm willing to chop it up to poor wording though." ~ Upstairs-Vacation774
"YTA (and I say this as a manager)."
"What did you think saying that would accomplish?"
"You don't know what sort of work ethic the guy they promoted has."
"Maybe he only works a few hours a day too."
"I have a team of 12 employees."
"One of them gives me better work in a few hours than like 2-3 of them do in a full day."
"Also, maybe she doesn't work because the work isn't there, and she's not being challenged."
"Either way, the fact that her looking to you for support and you 'broke' is really the issue." ~ aunteemame
"YTA. If hard work guaranteed promotion the world would look a lot different than it does."
"You're assuming that your gf has the same deadlines, due dates, and requirements as the jobs that you're used to doing, and that your perception of how hard she works is accurate."
"Many people who are good at their jobs are good because they are more organized and have developed shortcuts to achieve goals more quickly."
"If your GF says that it's a boys club."
"It's also possible that's true, and that she's being pushed out of work that is being given to, well, 'the boys.'"
"Regardless, it's definitely a weird choice to side with some dude you don't know regarding some job you don't work against your gf. Like. Why?" ~ agathalives
"I mean, if she wrote a bunch of software to automate herself out of a job, then, yeah, she should totally be promoted (or found her own company)."
"But, otherwise, if she's barely working, it shouldn't surprise her that she didn't get rewarded for that."
"I would be concerned about what other possible [edit:] delusions ideas she might have about your relationship together. NTA." ~ MystifiedByPeople
"NTA. As a woman who worked in the professional world, I really hate it when lazy women make their lack of advancement a gender issue."
"You didn't say the guy does work harder, you said maybe he works harder because it's so obvious she just doesn't work that hard." ~ noclevernickname2021
"YTA, I think, but a small one."
"As you say you don't know the guy or her workplace, so you're assuming that the problem is her."
"It may well be that the guy who got promoted works the same amount as she does."
"Some companies are a bit more chill."
"And if her boss isn't complaining about her performance/work ethic I really don't think you should be taking it upon yourself to do it instead."
"Honestly jealous of what sounds like an excellent work-life balance." ~ MrPoliwoe
"I work maybe 2-3 hours a day, IF that."
"My employer loves me and I deliver fantastic work and get everything done in advance."
"It just takes me less time than other people."
"Depending on her job, that may also be the case with her."
"I’d say soft YTA based on given information because doing work quickly doesn’t make someone a bad worker as long as the work is done well."
"But if she’s truly slacking and you know it for a fact, NTA." ~ PortableAlexis
"An important lesson here for you."
"Learn to inquire as to whether she's venting to vent, or if she wants input."
"If the latter, then you can (as gently as possible) provide said input."
"If the former, however, then you tolerate it for as long as you are able, then you point out that she's repeating herself, and it's beginning to be difficult to listen to."
"Which may start a conversation wherein you can provide input. Maybe."
"I know you didn't ask about that, but it might useful at some point."
"If you were kind when you pointed that out, then good for you."
"And no one said she has to like reality."
"NTA. But if she turns every disapproval into 'woman hating' you may have a bigger problem." ~ iowaiseast
"I was going to say NTA, but then I read your post history like someone else mentioned and literally every single post except 1 is about hating women, porn, sexism, and policing your GF.
"So now I feel like you’re the asshole due to the type of person you appear to be." ~ LocaYellow
"NTA. You are absolutely correct and that's why she's pissed." ~ MielikkisChosen
Well OP, Reddit seems to agree.
You have some detractors but everyone mostly seems to understand.
Maybe try for a calm, more focused chat with GF, before this gets out of hand for the future.
Good luck.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.