Navigating new relationships when you have kids is usually not an easy task. For one woman on Reddit, the issue led to conflict when her boyfriend asked that her kids be "seen and not heard" during a Christmas football game.
She wasn't sure about having taken offense to his comment and how she'd handled it, so she went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for perspective.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by Otherwise-Proof1910 on the site, asked:
"AITA for uninviting my bf to Christmas?"
She explained:
"I (39f[emale]) have been dating my bf (51m[ale]) for about 2 years now. We live separately but see each other almost every day."
"I have kids (girls ages 18 and 13), my bf does not. He had a marriage and a long term relationship before me, both with women who had kids, and he helped raise them."
"Okay, so with that said, he has been lightly pushing for the relationship to progress so I bought him a stocking and an ornament to hang at my house. We've also discussed cohabitation."
"Last night we were together and he said something about wanting to watch the football game on Christmas. Fine, not a problem. Then he added something in about how children are to be seen, not heard during this time. Um…not funny."
"I asked when my kids have ever been disruptive and he admitted that they never have, he was 'just saying.' We left it awkward like that for the rest of the day. Evening came, we had a few drinks, and the football game came up again. This time he added that the kids can play in my 13 year old's room and there will be no SpongeBob on the tv this year, just the game."
"So now I'm done at this point and I ask him if he realizes whose home he's going to be a guest in. He responded by saying that he could always go to his place and watch football. I told him that I thought that sounded like a good idea and he added in that he'd be keeping the groceries he bought for us to make Christmas dinner with too."
"My girls and I could eat ravioli from a can and still have a lovely holiday. I let him know this and expressed regret in trying to progress things. At this point I almost don't want him around my kids at all. I suggested he stay home this year for Christmas and offered to exchange the gifts we bought each other some other day."
"I'm standing firm, he isn't happy. We haven't had time to sit down and discuss exactly why he's upset but I'm getting the feeling that he thinks I'm TA in this situation. I don't think I should budge, if anything I'm extra pissed for laying awake all night having anxiety over this nonsense. 2 years in and he has to dump a bucket of red flags on my Christmas spirit? Not okay!!"
"AITA?"
"ETA: This is NOT normal behavior for this man, he has NEVER been like this before. Usually he is mellow and kind. He cooks, he cleans, he treats me like an equal. This Archie Bunker crap is new."
Redditors were then asked to judge who was in the wrong in this conflict based on the following categories:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
And they were pretty firmly on OP's side.
"The behaviour might seem 'new' but it's demonstrating he is not a suitable partner for someone with kids. You guys were progressing and he got comfortable and showed you who he really is. Believe him. NTA."
"P.S. also don't ignore how he attempted to use food as leverage to manipulate and bully you. Gross." --Cat_Got_Ya_Tongue
"Absolutely agree that it's true colors. They put up a front to look good, but it's how they handle the moments when they slip up that say the most."
"My dad and brother love football, but on Christmas, they record the game on DVR (and on VCR before that) and we listen to Christmas music and watch Christmas movies together."
"And if I were a guest at someone else's house on Christmas day, I'd be dressed up and asking what I can do to help and letting the hosting family continue their traditions while being extremely appreciative that they included me." --ADHDLifer
"He's comfortable now and attempting to exert himself as the "man of the house." NTA Celebrate Christmas with your kids the way you want to, and celebrate that you learned this before the AH moved in." --Complex-Lemon-371
"I would not be surprised if his last 2 relationships ended as a result of his lack of interest in kids being heard and not just seen."
"I think OP needs to look at the relationship, or lack there of, he maintains with those other two sets of kids he step-parented before considering cohabitation. This guy seems to not be a good addition to houses with kids. Likely he isn't involved with them now."
"Imagine the entitlement if he does eventually live there. He's already entitled as a guest acting all man of the house with his plan for a perfect patriarchy holiday. Kids silent in the bedroom, OP barefoot in the kitchen cooking the food he provided, him in a lazy boy in front of the TV beer in hand watching the big ball sport game."
"OP send him and his food packing and have a wonderful time with your kiddos!"
"This guy is a taker not a keeper! If you stay together, do not, I repeat, do not let him move in or co-mingle finances. He's clearly just mummy's boyfriend, not a father figure. Mummy's boyfriend doesn't get to live in the house." --longpas
"NTA. Sounds like you dodged a bullet. It seems like he thought in getting you to agree to progress in the relationship, that he could suddenly tell you what was what. What kids could do. What shows you could watch. Where everyone could be." --lychigo
Hopefully OP can figure out how best to navigate this situation with her boyfriend.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.