Most of us have been in a situation before where we opened our home to a loved one, and surely, we would love to do our best to make them feel comfortable.
But there are limits, even to hospitality, stressed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
And Redditor PineapplePanda_ was ready to say no when his wife demanded that he give up his spot in their bed for his sister-in-law and his wife’s best friend to use in the coming weeks.
But when he heard his wife’s concerns, the Original Poster (OP) had mixed feelings.
He asked the sub:
“WIBTA (Would I Be the A**hole) for refusing to give up my bed for my wife’s sister to sleep in?”
The OP was planning to open their home to a few loved ones during the holidays.
“My (30 [Male]) wife (30 [Female]) live in a nice but small 1-bedroom apartment in NYC.”
“My wife’s sister is coming to stay over for 2 nights for New Year’s.”
“We see her quite often so this is not a rare meeting.”
“We have a comfortable pullout couch in the living room where two people can easily sleep on.”
But the OP didn’t agree with his wife’s plan.
“My wife is adamant that I give up my bed and sleep on the couch alone and allow my sister-in-law to sleep with her in our bed.”
“They’re very close so this is not weird. I just think it’s strange that I have to be moved to the couch.”
“My wife believes it is the gentlemanly thing to do, to give the women the bed and sleep on the couch/ground.”
“To follow up on this, my wife’s best friend (29 [Female]) is also visiting for 1 night a week before New Year’s, and she wants me to do the exact same thing for her!”
“For some context, we are from an Asian culture where hospitality is very important.”
“My wife also pointed out the living room is connected to the kitchen and that I wake up earliest in the house, so I would disturb the guests when I make breakfast or if I go lounge on the computer.”
“We also have a cat who goes to eat in the kitchen during the night, who may make a small ruckus at that time.”
The OP had mixed feelings.
“I can sort of see why I may be the a**hole for not giving them my bed but it just seems strange.”
“Am I being an ungentlemanly a**hole by thinking the guests should just sleep on the pullout couch?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the wife could volunteer herself instead of her husband.
“NTA. It is also the gentlewomanly thing to do for her to offer to sleep on the couch with her sister so you can enjoy the comfortable bed by yourself.”
“Alternatively, it would be equally gentlewomanly of her to sleep on the couch while her sister sleeps in the bed with you.”
“It sounds like you need to have a conversation with your wife about the protocol for overnight guests. This is your home, not theirs, so you should not be made to feel like a guest in your own home.”
“Maybe it would be a good idea to ban overnight guests for the foreseeable future. It’s not like NYC doesn’t have a plethora of accommodations available.” – False-Guess
“NTA, it’s weird and it’s invasive for anyone other than your spouse (or child) to sleep in your bed.”
“Never in a million years will I send my husband to the couch so I can sleep with my sister and she would never have the audacity to ask.”
“That’s our bed, we have sex there, why in the world would you want to sleep on it.” – Karmapoliceasleep
“No, NTA. IMO (in my opinion) if it was a couple, I’d offer my bed, but to me, it seems weird to give up my spot in the bed for someone else to sleep in the bed with my spouse, even if it was their sister or best friend.” – NightNurse14
But others understood where the wife was coming from.
“I’m going to say YTA or ESH.”
“For reference, I’m a young, white American woman from the Midwest so there isn’t a cultural influence for me. I’m really big into being a good host and making my guest comfortable.”
“People often spend money, time, and PTO to come to spend quality time with you.”
“Additionally, being a female guest in a house with a man/men can sometimes feel weird without privacy. It doesn’t matter if the guy is perfect, a lot of women have experienced so much in their lives that having that extra amount of privacy as a guest (aka being in the bedroom and probably more private access to the bathroom) as opposed to sleeping on the pullout out in the open can actually make a big difference.”
“If OP is up early and moving about… it makes a lot of sense for him to be on the pullout. I get the wife wanted to share the bed with her friend, but if they sleep out there, they’re just going to be woken up when the husband is up early.”
“I don’t think the wife necessarily has an issue sleeping on the pull-out, I think she’s just being logical about who is up when, etc.”
“I’ve had female relatives and friends stay over (I live with my bf) and it’s kind of always just been a case by case basis. Most of my girlfriends sleep on the couch, but once my sister and I shared the bed because my boyfriend was leaving at 5 am so it just made more sense for him to sleep on the pullout and use the other bathroom.”
“It’s always just been a discussion between me and my boyfriend about sleeping arrangements before guests come and about what makes the most sense.”
“No one ever insists on anything, but also everyone understands that having a guest is a special circumstance and sometimes we have to be flexible to accommodate that.” – uniquenewyork2022
“NAH. This might go against most of the replies but as an Asian myself, please let me explain why.”
“Your wife had a reasonable request by asking you to use the pullout as the ladies can use the alone time to talk, relax and rest comfortably.”
“OP said he wakes up the earliest to feed the cats, or just is a morning person. The wife just wanted the 2 people closest to her to be comfortable while they visit her.”
“OP, I understand why you are angry. No one likes to leave the comfort of their own room… but please don’t make this your hill to die on.”
“This can be an amazing moment to make your wife to cook you your favorite dishes as compensation!! Have fun with the situation, too!!” – LonerWitch__me
“NAH”
“I think this one is entirely a cultural one.”
“From a western perspective, you are not an a**hole at all – you are putting yourself at a disadvantage by hosting in the first place, so why should you give up what creature comforts you have for their benefit?”
“In other cultures, the guest is to be looked after and pampered, and you should be ensuring they have the best bed (safe in the knowledge that they would do the same in return for you). You would be an a**hole if you were hosting someone that had always treated you impeccably and you didn’t return that.” – nrsys
While the subReddit could understand why the OP was frustrated about giving up his bed, they were divided on what to do about it.
Some insisted that the OP could sleep in his own bed and still be a good host, but others were adamant about the importance of cultural expectations and more wholeheartedly sided with his wife.