Most of us have been in a situation before where we opened our home to a loved one, and surely, we would love to do our best to make them feel comfortable.
But there are limits, even to hospitality, stressed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
And Redditor PineapplePanda_ was ready to say no when his wife demanded that he give up his spot in their bed for his sister-in-law and his wife's best friend to use in the coming weeks.
But when he heard his wife's concerns, the Original Poster (OP) had mixed feelings.
He asked the sub:
"WIBTA (Would I Be the A**hole) for refusing to give up my bed for my wife's sister to sleep in?"
The OP was planning to open their home to a few loved ones during the holidays.
"My (30 [Male]) wife (30 [Female]) live in a nice but small 1-bedroom apartment in NYC."
"My wife's sister is coming to stay over for 2 nights for New Year's."
"We see her quite often so this is not a rare meeting."
"We have a comfortable pullout couch in the living room where two people can easily sleep on."
But the OP didn't agree with his wife's plan.
"My wife is adamant that I give up my bed and sleep on the couch alone and allow my sister-in-law to sleep with her in our bed."
"They're very close so this is not weird. I just think it's strange that I have to be moved to the couch."
"My wife believes it is the gentlemanly thing to do, to give the women the bed and sleep on the couch/ground."
"To follow up on this, my wife's best friend (29 [Female]) is also visiting for 1 night a week before New Year's, and she wants me to do the exact same thing for her!"
"For some context, we are from an Asian culture where hospitality is very important."
"My wife also pointed out the living room is connected to the kitchen and that I wake up earliest in the house, so I would disturb the guests when I make breakfast or if I go lounge on the computer."
"We also have a cat who goes to eat in the kitchen during the night, who may make a small ruckus at that time."
The OP had mixed feelings.
"I can sort of see why I may be the a**hole for not giving them my bed but it just seems strange."
"Am I being an ungentlemanly a**hole by thinking the guests should just sleep on the pullout couch?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the wife could volunteer herself instead of her husband.
"NTA. It is also the gentlewomanly thing to do for her to offer to sleep on the couch with her sister so you can enjoy the comfortable bed by yourself."
"Alternatively, it would be equally gentlewomanly of her to sleep on the couch while her sister sleeps in the bed with you."
"It sounds like you need to have a conversation with your wife about the protocol for overnight guests. This is your home, not theirs, so you should not be made to feel like a guest in your own home."
"Maybe it would be a good idea to ban overnight guests for the foreseeable future. It's not like NYC doesn't have a plethora of accommodations available." - False-Guess
"NTA, it's weird and it's invasive for anyone other than your spouse (or child) to sleep in your bed."
"Never in a million years will I send my husband to the couch so I can sleep with my sister and she would never have the audacity to ask."
"That's our bed, we have sex there, why in the world would you want to sleep on it." - Karmapoliceasleep
"No, NTA. IMO (in my opinion) if it was a couple, I'd offer my bed, but to me, it seems weird to give up my spot in the bed for someone else to sleep in the bed with my spouse, even if it was their sister or best friend." - NightNurse14
But others understood where the wife was coming from.
"I'm going to say YTA or ESH."
"For reference, I'm a young, white American woman from the Midwest so there isn't a cultural influence for me. I'm really big into being a good host and making my guest comfortable."
"People often spend money, time, and PTO to come to spend quality time with you."
"Additionally, being a female guest in a house with a man/men can sometimes feel weird without privacy. It doesn't matter if the guy is perfect, a lot of women have experienced so much in their lives that having that extra amount of privacy as a guest (aka being in the bedroom and probably more private access to the bathroom) as opposed to sleeping on the pullout out in the open can actually make a big difference."
"If OP is up early and moving about… it makes a lot of sense for him to be on the pullout. I get the wife wanted to share the bed with her friend, but if they sleep out there, they're just going to be woken up when the husband is up early."
"I don't think the wife necessarily has an issue sleeping on the pull-out, I think she's just being logical about who is up when, etc."
"I've had female relatives and friends stay over (I live with my bf) and it's kind of always just been a case by case basis. Most of my girlfriends sleep on the couch, but once my sister and I shared the bed because my boyfriend was leaving at 5 am so it just made more sense for him to sleep on the pullout and use the other bathroom."
"It's always just been a discussion between me and my boyfriend about sleeping arrangements before guests come and about what makes the most sense."
"No one ever insists on anything, but also everyone understands that having a guest is a special circumstance and sometimes we have to be flexible to accommodate that." - uniquenewyork2022
"NAH. This might go against most of the replies but as an Asian myself, please let me explain why."
"Your wife had a reasonable request by asking you to use the pullout as the ladies can use the alone time to talk, relax and rest comfortably."
"OP said he wakes up the earliest to feed the cats, or just is a morning person. The wife just wanted the 2 people closest to her to be comfortable while they visit her."
"OP, I understand why you are angry. No one likes to leave the comfort of their own room... but please don't make this your hill to die on."
"This can be an amazing moment to make your wife to cook you your favorite dishes as compensation!! Have fun with the situation, too!!" - LonerWitch__me
"NAH"
"I think this one is entirely a cultural one."
"From a western perspective, you are not an a**hole at all - you are putting yourself at a disadvantage by hosting in the first place, so why should you give up what creature comforts you have for their benefit?"
"In other cultures, the guest is to be looked after and pampered, and you should be ensuring they have the best bed (safe in the knowledge that they would do the same in return for you). You would be an a**hole if you were hosting someone that had always treated you impeccably and you didn't return that." - nrsys
While the subReddit could understand why the OP was frustrated about giving up his bed, they were divided on what to do about it.
Some insisted that the OP could sleep in his own bed and still be a good host, but others were adamant about the importance of cultural expectations and more wholeheartedly sided with his wife.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.