While there isn't necessarily only one perfect person for everyone, there are going to be people that you might want to be with more than someone else.
Depending on how much you love that person, you might do anything to be with them, no matter how much it could hurt someone else.
But that love wouldn't make the hurtful actions okay, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Fit_District6065 discovered that his wife had spent their entire marriage cheating on him with the man she loved before they got together, because her parents did not approve of the other guy.
But when she lashed out at him for waiting to divorce her until after their prenuptial agreement expired, so that he could get the money to take care of himself and their children, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he handled the situation poorly.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for waiting out my prenup before divorcing my cheating wife?"
The OP signed a prenuptial agreement before getting married.
"My wife settled for me. I didn't know it when I married her but I do now. She was in love with her high school boyfriend whom her parents hated. She was with him all through university."
"Her parents finally told her that they would cut her off financially if she stayed with him."
"We met soon after and I fell in love. She did not. Once again, this was a surprise to me."
"We had a prenup that her parents insisted on. I was in it for the long haul so I had no problem with it. I basically got nothing if we divorced before we were married ten years. After that, it was an even split as long as I was not the cause. But again, I had no intentions of ever divorcing her."
The OP made an unfortunate discovery toward the end of the prenuptial period.
"But then I found out she continued being with him while being engaged and married to me. She was banging her old boyfriend our entire marriage."
"I found out after we were married for eight years. I was angry and depressed."
"I had spent eight years supporting her and her career. She has a much better-paying job than I do. It is high profile and she deals with our government a lot."
The OP decided to do what he had to do to take care of his children.
"Once I found out, I lost all feelings for her. I knew that if I wanted my kids (ages three and five) to have the same life with me as they would with her I had to hold out."
"The only thing I did was check on my children's parentage and get myself checked for STIs. They are mine and I am clean."
"I decided that I could handle two years of infidelity. I had already done eight unknowingly."
"I filed for divorce on the day after our tenth anniversary. I let her parents pay for our vacation."
The OP tried to keep the divorce as drama-free as possible.
"I didn't do anything dirty like send the evidence I had to her parents. I just had a lawyer draft a claim for divorce. Included was the evidence that the prenup had lapsed and our holdings were to be split."
"She said that I blindsided her after our holiday away. She doesn't understand why I would do it."
"I said that I just don't think we are compatible anymore."
"I am prepared to go nuclear if I have to. But I don't want our kids knowing that about their mother."
"I am keeping the evidence I have on her boyfriend in my pocket. I can blow up his marriage and make her parents p**sed at her if I absolutely must."
"I just prefer to end things with me in a decent financial position to take care of the kids."
"Am I the a**hole for what I did?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some advised the OP to give the affair evidence to his lawyer just in case.
"Even if you don't want to go nuclear which I understand. I would still inform her that you know and have the evidence of her infidelity. She definitely seems like the type of person who would spin the narrative to make you look bad and her knowing you have this will make that less likely to happen." - bassmasta1990
"I know someone who did this with his ex-wife. He didn't want to make it public but had his lawyer present his evidence so she knew he had it. His purpose was to keep her from spreading lies about him. It worked." - Grilled_Cheese10
"OP, I tend to agree with the above comment. and would let her know what you know. However, before you do so, I suggest you run it by your counsel; who may desire an element of surprise."
"If you're given the go-ahead to advise, when you approach and advise her of the information you have, I'd suggest that in the event she doesn't capitulate to your divorce demands, the following will ensue:"
"1. Your divorce complaint will be amended to include adultery as a ground for divorce."
"2. Sensitive information that you've kept private so as to not embarrass her will be shared and become common public knowledge. Families included."
"In the event you litigate, you'll likely receive no more than 50%. However, there is nothing to stop you from negotiating a settlement greater than that. Consider it equity: an additional share of the 'pie' for the pain, suffering, anguish, and mental cruelty you endured. She never accorded you an ounce of love or respect."
"NTA. JUSTICE!" - Tight-Shift5706
"Serving her divorce papers the day after the prenup expires means she will absolutely paint him to be a long-haul gold digger. Op should show her for what she is before she spins it."
"I don't think she would even have to say anything for people to jump to that conclusion."
"He filed for divorce the very day after their tenth anniversary when he would get the money, after returning from a free vacation where their friends and family presumably thought they were a happy couple."
"The timing without the context of him being cheated on would make people suspicious." - Past_Reputation_2206
"Make sure your lawyer has a copy of all the evidence. Just print off one of the mid-level d**ning pieces of evidence and have it literally in your wallet or something for when the conversation comes."
"Then, 'I have more. This isn't even the worst. My lawyer has copies of everything. I just want a clean split for everyone's sake,' is all you really have to say."
"But you could always step it up a notch and say, 'It's so much worse than this, but I'm doing my best to keep the kids out of this… I don't want them to think their mother is anything less than she is. I'll gladly suffer in silence to not destroy that image as this is already going to be tough on everyone but especially them.'" - Silver_wyrm
Others wondered if it was worth the OP telling other involved parties the truth, too.
"After all is said and done on the legal side and the opportunity to spread lies has passed, I would go ahead and let the boyfriend's wife and the parents know. They should know the truth so they can all make decisions about their own lives."
"Particularly the parents may want to change their inheritance around to keep it out of the boyfriend's hands and make sure it goes to the grandkids." - d**kbutt_md
"The parents should probably be informed before making a decision about what to do with their life's earnings. We have no idea why they didn't like her old boyfriend. They could be old racist bast**ds or the boyfriend could just have been a dirtbag and bad influence. We don't know."
"But I still think the parents should know considering they were willing to cut her off because of it and were likely the ones who put her through college. I know I would want to know If I was in their place." - ThexxxDegenerate
"They deserve to know why, and also blow up the other guy's life too. He doesn't deserve to get off scot-free. Actions have consequences why do you have to suffer and boil in rage with no repercussions to the enemy." - Rawchaos
"I think it's unethical to not reveal an affair to the partner(s) being cheated on. It's s**tty and unkind to let someone continue wasting their short amount of time on the planet with a liar and cheater. You'd be infuriated if you found out even one person knew you were being cheated on but didn't say anything."
"Send an anonymous message with the proof and then vanish. Save his wife from wasting more years with this s**t sock." - Usual-Average-1101
"She's going to tarnish your reputation and say you married her for money. You will look bad not only to your kids but to your friends and family too."
"Tell the truth about her cheating being the reason for the end of your marriage. You don't have to tell anyone when you found out, just tell them that you found out."
"Deny her the moral high ground. Because at the end of the day, it's her who married you for money." - Choice-Intention-926
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a very brief update.
"My lawyer told her lawyer everything. She knows that I know. Once everything is settled, if I'm allowed, I will inform his wife."
"It's been three months since I initiated the divorce, and at a recent kid swap (we have 50/50 custody of our children), she laid into me about how I was a d**k for how I handled things. That's why I came here in the first place. Thanks for the feedback, guys."
The subReddit couldn't help but shake their head at how the OP's wife handled the situation, finding a way to keep her family's money while having an affair with the man she actually wanted to be with, despite her family's wishes.
But they were worried about how the OP handled the situation, not because of his wife but because of the picture it could paint of him. By waiting until the ten-year mark and after a free vacation, it made the OP look like a gold digger if he continued to not reveal the truth behind the divorce.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.