Giving people advice is never an easy thing to do.
It's a fine, fragile line to walk.
It's especially difficult when it's relationship advice.
The heart wants what it wants.
Be careful about getting in the way.
Case in point...
Redditor Ok-Key7943 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for yelling at my friend and 'discouraging' him dating?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I'll try to make this short."
"My friend and I are in our mid twenties."
"I don't want to get too specific so I'll just say he is a salesman of sorts."
"He was telling me about how a customer came into his work and they made small talk about how she had an extremely busy week."
"He proudly told me how he took this as an opportunity to spit some game."
"By that, he asked if she would like an even busier week."
"By freaking offering to buy her dinner at a restaurant of her choosing."
"Apparently she laughed and didn't know what to say but my friend sorta forced a number exchange."
"He was telling me how he texted her and she stopped responding so he doesn't know how to react."
"I said dude don't f**king say anything."
"I told him that what he did is most likely a fir-able offense."
"I told him the most likely scenario is she was creeped out and won't ever be back in the store."
"Second scenario is she comes back in and tells another employee how her cashier last time tried to ask her out."
"Depending on how that goes he can get fired."
"I'm not exactly number one feminist but I would assume most women want to run errands without being hit on."
"I just told him what he did was super creepy."
"Again, this was a complete stranger just walking into the store and after a 30 second convo he asked to take her out."
"Now he's being weird with me because I'm not 'being supportive' and I'm 'discouraging' him from putting himself out there."
"I will add that he doesn't do too well with the ladies and it's probably been ages since he had a date go well."
"So I do feel bad but at the same time I'm trying to lookout for him because I think he's being very stupid."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. You are being incredibly supportive in telling him to not be THAT GUY."
"Also by supporting all women everywhere who just want to exist without being harassed." ~ Punkrockpm
"If he doesn't wanna be THAT GUY, he needs to stop being THAT GUY."
"And... you know what makes a partner a great catch?"
"Respect, compassion, treating a woman well, stepping up with housework, you know, all the things women have been saying... forever." ~ Punkrockpm
"Look, if I had a friend who wanted to take up fishing and decided to start at the community swimming pool."
"I would be a decent friend by saying 'Hey, this is a chlorinated pool, there are no fish here, go try somewhere else' instead of letting him sit there getting nothing done until the lifeguards made him leave."
"There are no fish in the swimming pool of his work - and you are being a good friend by telling him not to chase dead ends."
"If he wants a date he needs to look somewhere where the women are looking back."
"Women are extremely jaded about being approached while just tying to live their lives - you can't corner a girl into dating you."
"He needs to go try a pond or a lake (singles night, dating apps)." ~ Music_withRocks_In
"NTA. Even putting aside the work thing (which you're right about), she stopped responding, so he just needs to let it go."
"Thanks for attempting to teach this guy some manners." ~ Rubly
"NTA, I wouldn't say that one could never strike up a conversation with potentially romantic implications in the context of a commercial transaction."
"But your friend sounds like he really forced it when she was giving off vibes of not being interested."
"Also, his game doesn't even sound any good."
"He sounds like he has a lot more to work on before he's somewhat datable."
"As a guy who spent a lot of time being single, the key to success with women is to not take it all so seriously."
"If you get bent out of shape about every interaction and take every rejection as a definitive referendum on your entire personality you will psyche yourself out, miss real opportunities, and won't take enough shots for genuine and lasting success (however you define that)."
"It sounds like your friend is doing exactly that."
"Trying to force something that just isn't there is dumb and also creepy." ~ Different-Sign6050
"Guys like the OP's friend aren't good at picking up vibes or the lack thereof, but even when they are, asking out a customer who's never seen you until 20 seconds ago is a bad idea."
"Asking out a customer, period, is a bad idea, one that could easily get him fired at most retailers."
"And essentially forcing her to give him her number is way over the line."
"That's not to say that your advice about not taking rejection seriously isn't good."
"It definitely is... for someone who CAN read reactions and is trying to meet women outside of work."
"This guy's problem isn't rejection; it's total cluelessness."
"He doesn't know when, where, or how to 'put himself out there.'"
"And from the way he's reacted to the OP's advice, I'd say he's not good at reading reactions, period." ~ bambina821
"NTA I once had a pizza guy call me off the phone number he stole from my order."
"I was extremely pissed seeing how I was in my then b[oy]f[riend]'s house at the time and it is extremely creepy."
"Not sure what number rule this should be but do not hit on woman if you're at work or they're at work." ~ BriefHorror
"NTA... and no they do not unless they have daddy issues I remember as a teenager some family friends owned a gaming store."
"So I would hangout there after school and swim practice and there was a regular group that hung out there (mixed with both males and females) but I was probably one of the younger ones there."
"And guys would come in see me and start hitting me (not all the time but quite often) and normally I could just say no and that I'm 15/16/17 depending on the year and they'd be cool about it and apologize if they made me feel uncomfortable."
"One time this guy who was most likely in his 40s in front of a group of 6 or 7 of us kept asking me to go to the movies with him and I politely declined and he would not let it go."
"Even the others in the group were like she said no and she's 17 and that he needed to stop and walk away but still would not get the hint."
"Finally one of my friends asked me to go to the back room and grab something for them."
"And while I was gone apparently they explained in no uncertain terms that he needed to leave me alone and that it didn't matter how much he spent in the store (he was a regular too and would drop a ton of money there each month) that he was no longer welcome in the store."
"I was so very very creeped out and scared since he was bigger than me and would not leave me alone, lucky I had friends there who protected me."
"Your friend needs to learn who, where, and when it is appropriate to flirt with someone before he does it to the wrong person and ends up arrested or having the teenage girls brother or dad beat the crap out of him." ~ jenna_ducks
"NTA. Set aside the bit about him possibly (fairly) facing professional consequences for this horses**t, you gave him legitimately solid advice - she's ghosting him, and not taking the hint is at best embarrassing."
"At worst, it will lock in the potential consequences he might face from unprofessionally hitting on this woman while on the job." ~ tomksfw
"NTA - When looking out for your friend, the very first thing you need to do is get him to stop talking about 'spitting game' or any of the other garbage he's picked up over the years." ~ Last-Possible-3960
"NTA. She's there for business, not dating. In a sense, since his work had something she wanted, he essentially had her hostage and took advantage of it to push an unwanted personal connection on her."
"That's unethical and yes, creepy."
"When someone you're interested in stops communicating, you react by accepting that they don't share the interest in you that you have for them and move on."
"That's how you react."
"You don't send more messages, you don't apologize, you don't ask what went wrong."
"You respect their choice, even if you don't like how they chose to execute it."
"Tell him you support him dating and that is why you are giving him tips so he doesn't get in trouble and you're only discouraging him from taking advantage of women by hitting on them when they are in front of him for customer reasons and risking his job."
"Tell him you're happy to be a wingman, but only an ethical one and you don't want him getting a bad reputation." ~ Curious-One4595
Well OP, sounds like Reddit is with you.
You're trying to be helpful.
Maybe one day your bud will look back and agree.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.