Having a roommate can be incredibly fun, and the arrangement could go on for a long time.
But when one roommate does something that could lead to privacy or safety concerns, it might be time to call the arrangement off, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Ok_Bike_968 decided it was time to end things when she found out her roommate had given a copy of her key to her boyfriend without notifying the owner of the house.
But when she was scolded for acting too harshly, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if this is something she should have overlooked.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my friend she has to move out after she gave her boyfriend a key?”
The OP offered to help her friend out when she needed a place to stay.
“I (28 Female) own a three-bedroom flat. My friend (27 Female) was struggling for a place to stay so I told her she could stay with me and I’d rent her one of my rooms until she found somewhere else.”
“This was just a loose agreement, not on paper, etc., as she is my friend. She has been staying with me for seven months.”
“Also, she paid rent, but not in the true sense or value amount. She paid me money to cover the rise in the cost of my utilities by a second person living there.”
Her friend was mostly a good roommate.
“All things considered, she was a decent enough roommate.”
“She didn’t eat my food, and she paid me on time.”
“It annoyed me that she’d sometimes forget to give notice that her boyfriend was staying overnight, but she always apologized and promised next time she’d remember to, and she did maybe half the time.”
But then she did something that went too far.
“The issue came about two days ago when I walked into my home and found her boyfriend watching TV.”
“I was a bit surprised by this as my friend shouldn’t be home yet but asked if she was in the other room.”
“He told me no and that he was just waiting on her coming back from work.”
“At this point, I was more than a little on edge by the fact he was somehow here without her and asked him how he’d gotten in.”
“He showed me the key and said she’d given him one so he could come round to hang out.”
“I won’t lie, I was shocked at this and rather upset.”
“I demanded he give me the key back and get out of my home.”
“He seemed surprised and ready to protest as she’d given him the key, but I told him this was my home and she had no right to do this and to get the f**k out now.”
“He handed over the key, clearly thinking I was overreacting, but left.”
The OP decided enough was enough.
“When my roommate came back, I confronted her, asking her why she thought she had any right to give a key out and to especially do so without asking me.”
“She told me I was being unreasonable and it was her home too, so she should be able to give out keys if she wanted to.”
“This led to an argument, and I finally told her this wasn’t her home, she was only renting a room, and she was to get out within two weeks as I don’t trust her now.”
“The last two days, she’s been trying to tell me I’m overreacting and being unfair.”
“She has apologized, though she also admitted she doesn’t see what the big deal is, and is begging me not to kick her out.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP had every right to feel nervous about the boyfriend having access to her home.
“As you rightly should be nervous, as anyone in their right mind should be, especially a woman. She took advantage of your kindness and is upset because you called her out on her s**tty actions.”
“Don’t waver or cave and let her back into your life. She’s only going to try to leech more from you.” – ladyrageofunluckland
“No, you didn’t overreact. This is your home, you are hosting your friend very nicely.”
“I understand that after all these months she felt more and more comfortable and ‘at home’ too, but no. You have nothing to blame yourself for.”
“I would have reacted exactly the same way as you did to someone on my couch, alone, with my keys. She had absolutely no right to give keys that weren’t hers to someone without your express consent.” – False-Mail-940
“No overreaction, and you should immediately change locks when she moved out.” – DarkStar0915
“That brings back some PTSD of when I woke up in the middle of the night to go down to the kitchen to get some water, only to find a strange older man in my kitchen at 3am.”
“Apparently, my 24-year-old cousin that had been staying with me all of a month decided that bringing her new 40-year-old friend over in the middle of the night without consulting me first was ok.”
“She was shortly given a restraining order and evicted after that. NTA, OP.” – BellaReagan12
“You have the right to feel safe in your own home. Absolutely NTA.” – e_mccall
“NTA. It is your home. It sounds like you panicked in the moment, which is perfectly understandable, so I can see how you’d mistake this for an overreaction.”
“But rest assured, this is perfectly understandable. Two weeks is a bit short if I’m honest, but oh well, at some point she was going to move out, right? This was always meant to be temporary.” – ladyteruki
“Decisions made in moments of excitement or panic are not intrinsically poor decisions.”
“You should always stop and reflect on adrenaline-fueled decisions when you calm down later on, but being made in a high-adrenaline state does not automatically classify a decision as bad or an overreaction.”
“If you catch your breath, look back, and decide the decision you made was correct and appropriate (like, for example, the decision OP made here), STICK WITH IT!”
“Don’t let anybody gaslight you into thinking that a good idea is actually hysterics just because you were stressed when you came up with it.” – Low_Brass_Rumble
Others agreed and said the roommate could have handled the situation better.
“If the roommate had instantly acknowledged that she f**ked up and overstepped her boundaries, I would be inclined to give her another chance.”
“The fact that she doubled down when confronted tells me everything I need to know about her disposition toward other people’s boundaries.” – IGrowCandy
“Like… say the roommate did have a right to give someone a key.”
“Why wouldn’t she tell OP?”
“Seems pretty basic if you live with someone to let that person know who has keys.” – Forsaken_Distance777
“Even if she feels at home, it’s not an excuse to give out a key and invite her boyfriend over unnoticed.”
“I live with my partner, we each pay half of rent/utilities, and I still tell him when I plan on having a friend over. He does the same in return.”
“Yes, it’s my home, but it’s also his, and it’s just basic respect for the other.” – -Alula
“So let me guess, she wasn’t even looking for another place to stay? Just complaining about how hard it is to find something? I mean, come on 7 months!”
“Had an Ex living with me for 1.5 years, I had agreed to 12 months. It took 2 months of actual searching to find another place and move out, but if it’s too comfortable the way it is, why bother right?”
“NTA and change the lock.” – Reasonable_Matter72
“Not overreacting. Everywhere I’ve rented had had rules prohibiting getting extra keys cut.”
“Even if she’d lent him her keep temporarily because he was e.g., going directly home from shopping with temporarily while she stopped for fuel and he’d arrive first, that would still warrant a text.”
“To get a key specially cut to a house that isn’t yours without permission or even a heads up is utterly outrageous.” – Cardabella
“Be ready for her to not leave after the two weeks. Like ready to stay home from work while she’s out, pack up her things while the locks are being changed, and dump her stuff at her parents.” – Annual-Contract-115
“This is your home. You were good to let her stay but she’s abused your trust by giving out a key to someone else without your permission. I’m sure if she’d asked first, you’d have said no.”
“This isn’t forgivable IMO (in my opinion), and she doesn’t even seem that sorry because she still doesn’t think it was that wrong of her to do.” – Substantial-Fox-4905
While the OP was hearing her roommate complain about having to move back into her parents’ house, and how cruel she thought the OP was being, the subReddit sided with the OP.
Not only had the friend repeatedly overstepped by having someone stay over without informing the OP, but she also provided a key to him, which immediately impacts the safety, comfort, and privacy of the home. That’s worth far more than paying for a few utilities.