Having a roommate can be incredibly fun, and the arrangement could go on for a long time.
But when one roommate does something that could lead to privacy or safety concerns, it might be time to call the arrangement off, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Ok_Bike_968 decided it was time to end things when she found out her roommate had given a copy of her key to her boyfriend without notifying the owner of the house.
But when she was scolded for acting too harshly, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if this is something she should have overlooked.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my friend she has to move out after she gave her boyfriend a key?"
The OP offered to help her friend out when she needed a place to stay.
"I (28 Female) own a three-bedroom flat. My friend (27 Female) was struggling for a place to stay so I told her she could stay with me and I'd rent her one of my rooms until she found somewhere else."
"This was just a loose agreement, not on paper, etc., as she is my friend. She has been staying with me for seven months."
"Also, she paid rent, but not in the true sense or value amount. She paid me money to cover the rise in the cost of my utilities by a second person living there."
Her friend was mostly a good roommate.
"All things considered, she was a decent enough roommate."
"She didn't eat my food, and she paid me on time."
"It annoyed me that she'd sometimes forget to give notice that her boyfriend was staying overnight, but she always apologized and promised next time she'd remember to, and she did maybe half the time."
But then she did something that went too far.
"The issue came about two days ago when I walked into my home and found her boyfriend watching TV."
"I was a bit surprised by this as my friend shouldn't be home yet but asked if she was in the other room."
"He told me no and that he was just waiting on her coming back from work."
"At this point, I was more than a little on edge by the fact he was somehow here without her and asked him how he'd gotten in."
"He showed me the key and said she'd given him one so he could come round to hang out."
"I won't lie, I was shocked at this and rather upset."
"I demanded he give me the key back and get out of my home."
"He seemed surprised and ready to protest as she'd given him the key, but I told him this was my home and she had no right to do this and to get the f**k out now."
"He handed over the key, clearly thinking I was overreacting, but left."
The OP decided enough was enough.
"When my roommate came back, I confronted her, asking her why she thought she had any right to give a key out and to especially do so without asking me."
"She told me I was being unreasonable and it was her home too, so she should be able to give out keys if she wanted to."
"This led to an argument, and I finally told her this wasn't her home, she was only renting a room, and she was to get out within two weeks as I don't trust her now."
"The last two days, she's been trying to tell me I'm overreacting and being unfair."
"She has apologized, though she also admitted she doesn't see what the big deal is, and is begging me not to kick her out."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP had every right to feel nervous about the boyfriend having access to her home.
"As you rightly should be nervous, as anyone in their right mind should be, especially a woman. She took advantage of your kindness and is upset because you called her out on her s**tty actions."
"Don't waver or cave and let her back into your life. She's only going to try to leech more from you." - ladyrageofunluckland
"No, you didn't overreact. This is your home, you are hosting your friend very nicely."
"I understand that after all these months she felt more and more comfortable and 'at home' too, but no. You have nothing to blame yourself for."
"I would have reacted exactly the same way as you did to someone on my couch, alone, with my keys. She had absolutely no right to give keys that weren't hers to someone without your express consent." - False-Mail-940
"No overreaction, and you should immediately change locks when she moved out." - DarkStar0915
"That brings back some PTSD of when I woke up in the middle of the night to go down to the kitchen to get some water, only to find a strange older man in my kitchen at 3am."
"Apparently, my 24-year-old cousin that had been staying with me all of a month decided that bringing her new 40-year-old friend over in the middle of the night without consulting me first was ok."
"She was shortly given a restraining order and evicted after that. NTA, OP." - BellaReagan12
"You have the right to feel safe in your own home. Absolutely NTA." - e_mccall
"NTA. It is your home. It sounds like you panicked in the moment, which is perfectly understandable, so I can see how you'd mistake this for an overreaction."
"But rest assured, this is perfectly understandable. Two weeks is a bit short if I'm honest, but oh well, at some point she was going to move out, right? This was always meant to be temporary." - ladyteruki
"Decisions made in moments of excitement or panic are not intrinsically poor decisions."
"You should always stop and reflect on adrenaline-fueled decisions when you calm down later on, but being made in a high-adrenaline state does not automatically classify a decision as bad or an overreaction."
"If you catch your breath, look back, and decide the decision you made was correct and appropriate (like, for example, the decision OP made here), STICK WITH IT!"
"Don't let anybody gaslight you into thinking that a good idea is actually hysterics just because you were stressed when you came up with it." - Low_Brass_Rumble
Others agreed and said the roommate could have handled the situation better.
"If the roommate had instantly acknowledged that she f**ked up and overstepped her boundaries, I would be inclined to give her another chance."
"The fact that she doubled down when confronted tells me everything I need to know about her disposition toward other people's boundaries." - IGrowCandy
"Like... say the roommate did have a right to give someone a key."
"Why wouldn't she tell OP?"
"Seems pretty basic if you live with someone to let that person know who has keys." - Forsaken_Distance777
"Even if she feels at home, it's not an excuse to give out a key and invite her boyfriend over unnoticed."
"I live with my partner, we each pay half of rent/utilities, and I still tell him when I plan on having a friend over. He does the same in return."
"Yes, it's my home, but it's also his, and it's just basic respect for the other." - -Alula
"So let me guess, she wasn't even looking for another place to stay? Just complaining about how hard it is to find something? I mean, come on 7 months!"
"Had an Ex living with me for 1.5 years, I had agreed to 12 months. It took 2 months of actual searching to find another place and move out, but if it's too comfortable the way it is, why bother right?"
"NTA and change the lock." - Reasonable_Matter72
"Not overreacting. Everywhere I've rented had had rules prohibiting getting extra keys cut."
"Even if she'd lent him her keep temporarily because he was e.g., going directly home from shopping with temporarily while she stopped for fuel and he'd arrive first, that would still warrant a text."
"To get a key specially cut to a house that isn't yours without permission or even a heads up is utterly outrageous." - Cardabella
"Be ready for her to not leave after the two weeks. Like ready to stay home from work while she's out, pack up her things while the locks are being changed, and dump her stuff at her parents." - Annual-Contract-115
"NTA massively!!"
"This is your home. You were good to let her stay but she's abused your trust by giving out a key to someone else without your permission. I'm sure if she'd asked first, you'd have said no."
"This isn't forgivable IMO (in my opinion), and she doesn't even seem that sorry because she still doesn't think it was that wrong of her to do." - Substantial-Fox-4905
While the OP was hearing her roommate complain about having to move back into her parents' house, and how cruel she thought the OP was being, the subReddit sided with the OP.
Not only had the friend repeatedly overstepped by having someone stay over without informing the OP, but she also provided a key to him, which immediately impacts the safety, comfort, and privacy of the home. That's worth far more than paying for a few utilities.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.