Marriage means having a built-in cheerleader for all of life's victories, right?
Redditor Throwawaywifeged begs to differ.
In fact, their lack of support caused them to take to subReddit "am I the a**hole?" (AITA) to ask:
"AITA for not acting impressed by my wife's 'accomplishment?'"
What exactly was the original poster (OP) so unsupportive about?
"My [28-year-old Male] wife [26-year-old Female] and I have been married for close to 7 years."
"We currently have five kids together- [6-year-old Male, 4-year-old Male, 3-year-old Female], and my wife gave birth to fraternal twins (son and daughter) a year and a half ago."
"My wife intended to graduate high school the year we got married, but life got in the way."
"My dad had given me an investor relations type of role at his company, so we were traveling a lot and then after that our kids needed our attentions."
"After our twins were born, my wife was bedridden for longer than we and even the doctors expected."
"Since we had to hire extra hands to do the childcare tasks that involved mobility, my wife had some time on her hands."
"Her mother told her that her friend who proctors at a testing center said that they give GED tests basically every week (at least across the state of Idaho) and that she should dust off her general education knowledge."
"She started browsing her laptop and decided to enroll in a GED prep class online."
"It seems she was better at self-paced learning than classroom learning because the stuff they were testing her on came way easier to her now than it did then, even though she's been away from structured classroom instruction for many years now."
"Even after she was back on her feet, she'd be studying for it after she dropped the older two off to their respective schools."
This is where the OP's true feelings come out.
"I would see what she was studying, and it looked pretty rudimentary, and I knew that getting a GED basically means nothing and that she probably wouldn't be able to apply it to anything career-wise, or commit full-time to community college, where I doubt the job prospects for students are that great right now either."
"So my wife ended up taking the test, and the other day she bounded into the room and said 'Yes! I passed, I passed!'"
"I knew she would since she was doing well on the practice tests, and the GED consistently tests on the same rudimentary topics."
"I did not gripe at her but merely nodded at her and went back to answering an important email from a client."
"My wife seemed to get upset, and I asked her what was wrong."
"She said I didn't seem that excited, and I said that it's great that she passed, but I have been telling her that it was easy and no big deal, but if she needed something to prove to herself, she knew the high school concepts, I guess the money was well spent."
"She got even more upset and said she worked very hard, and this was the essential building block to being able to start a career."
My wife passed her GED test, but she wasn't exactly graduating from college and wouldn't be for at least 15 years. I just didn't see any immediate applicability to her test, but I am glad she had something to challenge her while she was coming off being unable to fully care for the kids."
They went on to inquire,
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by voting:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Overwhelmingly, Reddit declared the OP the a**hole.
"YTA. You're a major AH."
"Your wife is trying to look after five children and found the time to get her GED. Why don't you let her go out of town for a week and see how hard it is to look after five small children?"
"Would it have killed you to get up, hug her and tell her how proud you are of her? Maybe take her out to dinner one night to celebrate?"
"Wow. I hope this isn't indicative of the respect you give her the rest of the time." - PilotEnvironmental46
"My mom had to give up on college to raise me from when I was a baby. Only when I was a teenager did she finally get to go to college."
"After she graduated undergrad she didn't find any jobs in her field and got so discouraged."
"However, she found a job where she is now flourishing, she's constantly moving up, she's known as one of the most trustworthy and solid people in the company, and they task her with sensitive and important jobs because they know her capabilities."
"The entire time, my dad was her biggest cheerleader, and not a week goes by that he doesn't gush about how proud he is of her."
"OP, YTA. You're a f*cking a**hole if you think your wife's accomplishments are too little."
"You guys have SO MANY damn kids! And between raising them and dealing with your bullsh*t, she succeeded in something that she really wanted."
"Degrees are useful, sure, but even her GED is more than enough to show she is driven to improve her life."
"With her persevering attitude, she can do so much. Improve with her, or let her find someone who will. Jesus f*cking christ." - CranberryTaboo
"YTA. Like there needs to be a level above this rating for this post."
"She feels accomplished because she did something that she put on hold for your lives together. Meanwhile, Daddy handed you a job, and you reek of self-importance." - BecausePancakess
"YTA"
"'I have been telling her that it was easy and no big deal, but if she needed something to prove to herself she knew the high school concepts, I guess the money was well spent.'"
"She was excited about something she did, and you said it was 'easy and no big deal'".
"It doesn't matter whether you think it is easy or important. She is proud of it."
"Try being supportive instead of taking her down."
"Also, for god's sake, she has sacrificed a ton for the family. It sounds like she put her personal goals on hold and took a serious blow to her health for the sake of having your guys' children."
"Did she want to give up on a career? Why did you two choose to have babies right away instead of waiting for her to finish college?"
"Now she is taking the first steps to start pursuing what she wants to do for herself, and you demean her."
"'life got in the way'"
"Your life got in her way. She didn't need to go traveling with you."
"She could have stayed and finished her degree back when she was 19."
"Look, if she freely chose to make those sacrifices, that is fine. But the least you can do is appreciate how far she has gone to support your relationship, and not criticize her for trying to recover some of what she lost." - SilasRhodes
"Yeah, YTA OP."
"The math here is making me a little nauseous. Married almost 7 years… Oldest child is 6."
"So he knocked her up & married her, preventing her from graduating, then kept her pregnant several more times (no wonder her last pregnancy was so hard, even twin complications aside—4 full-term pregnancies in 6-7 years is SO rough… ugh." - aestheticmixtape
"YTA."
"You have "important emails" from clients to answer, and your wife having five young children under the age of seven was finally able to get her GED, and you sniff."
"It's obvious you see your wife as nothing more than an underling."
"Keep in mind, dude, you had to get your job from your DADDY." - ivylass
"YTA. Would it have killed you to show at least a little excitement for her?"
"She gave up her life to grow, birth, and raise YOUR children, and now she's finally done something for herself."
"That deserves more than just a nod at her. Jeez, you sound insufferable."
"'I knew that getting a GED basically means nothing and that she probably wouldn't be able to apply it to anything career-wise or commit full time to community college, where I doubt the job prospects for students are that great right now either.'"
"You also clearly lack knowledge yourself. A GED means she can apply to college, which is a lot."
"It also means her overall job prospects are better because most retail establishments require at least a HS/GED diploma. Which means she can get a job and get away from your sorry a**."
"Even if she can't commit to community college full-time right now, that doesn't mean she can't go part-time or take online classes."
"Depending on what field she may want to go into, job prospects can be good. Perhaps you need some education yourself." - litt3lli0n
"I mean I hate to beat this dead horse but let me just spell it out again, YTA."
"I'm a vocational counselor in my state. Getting your GED is a big effing deal for future employment prospects."
"It's impressive she studied and worked for it in her limited time with so much childcare and in a self-learning format, too (a lot of my clients struggle with this)."
"It also sounds like it gave her a big confidence boost. Why are you belittling her accomplishment? Do you actually like your wife?" - manaliabrid
The verdict is in OP. You are definitely the a**hole.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.