Here is one universal truth: An a**hole having cancer doesn't make them less of an a**hole.
It tragically just means that they have cancer while doing hurtful things, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Reditor EconomistMinimum5303 was still processing the fact that her husband had fallen in love with another woman, that the other woman was a cancer survivor, and that he was leaving her for the other woman.
While she didn't wish ill will on the other woman or her future ex-husband, the Original Poster (OP) still struggled with having any negative feelings toward someone who used to have cancer.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for hating the other woman my husband fell in love with while she had cancer?"
The OP's husband was leaving her for a woman he met at work.
"My husband (35 Male), soon-to-be ex-husband, is a doctor. I (32 Female) married him six years ago."
"There is a woman (41 Female) who was a patient at a hospital where he used to work. She wasn't a patient while he worked there, and he was never her doctor."
"They both said she knew he was married."
"I didn't want to put how he got close to her in the post because I don't fully believe their explanation. He sometimes does consultancy there, and his best friend is an oncologist there, so I understand how he could have met her."
"I'm not sure if there was any breaking of rules involved to get them to be so close."
"When he met her, she was suffering from cancer. She's in remission now."
"They fell in love while she was sick, and he's leaving me for her."
The OP felt conflicted about her feelings toward her future ex-husband and his new partner.
"I feel like I'm not allowed to hate her."
"Most of my own family isn't even p**sed at him."
"My sister (28 Female) is the worst as she talks about the situation like such a romantic event."
"I take cancer very seriously. My sister makes me feel like I don't when she says things like, 'Cancer is worse than getting a divorce.'"
"I'm happy this woman is healthy now. I want her to live a long, happy life. I don't wish ill on her, but I hate her."
"I partially love and partially hate my husband. I feel guilty for hating her."
"Am I the a**hole?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she was not wrong to feel hurt, betrayed, and even a little hateful.
"NTA, why on earth would you feel guilty for hating someone who was your husband's affair partner? Just because people go through sh*t doesn't mean they have a free pass to be AHs. Your soon-to-be ex-husband also doesn't get a free pass to cheat because his affair partner was a person with cancer. That's stupid. It's not a f**king 'Walk to Remember.'"
"Yeah, your soon-to-be ex-husband is the main person to be p**sed at, since he's the one who took vows, but if she knew he was married, she was still an a**hole too, even if in the back of her mind, she was like YOLO!"
"I hope you've got a shark for a lawyer and you get everything you deserve in the divorce. Don't go easy on him." - NYCStoryteller
"Although it is sad that she has/had cancer, her illness has nothing to do with the fact that she chose to have a relationship with a married man. NTA." - calacmack
"Her health issues don't change the fact that she pursued a relationship with a married man, and he chose to cheat and leave his wife for her. OP's feelings are valid, and it's not about being allowed to hate her; it's about acknowledging the hurt and betrayal caused. And to acknowledge what caused them." - harmonious_crush
"NTA, OP. You're grieving a betrayal. You're allowed to feel hurt, angry, and yes, even hate someone who played a role in ending your marriage, regardless of their circumstances. Having had cancer doesn't make her a saint." - NapBunBun
"NTA. She had cancer, but that doesn't make her a saint. S**tty people get cancer, too."
"Cancer touches everyone, even a**holes who get with married men."
"You lose them how you get them, so good luck to her. You get to live your life and find a partner who isn't a cheater, please believe you won in the end here." - I3ex_g
Others urged the OP to report her husband for potential misconduct at work.
"They definitely met at the hospital. You can't trust the words of a cheater. He would say anything to save his job and prove what he did was ethical." - Think_Storm_8909
"OP specifically said she was a patient at the hospital he used to work at, but she was not a patient when he worked there. And she was not his patient."
"I think there's no reason to mention that if it's not actually where they met, if you know what I mean. They have to put a little truth into the lie so it feels authentic." - Novel_Photograph_479
"She might not have been directly under his care, but it is entirely possible that he met her while she was under the care of a colleague or while she was getting treated. He could also be lying. Cheaters lie and are untrustworthy." - EvilRubberDucks
"This is such a conflict of interest; that relationship won't last." - kimmysharma
"Not to mention the rescuer/damsel in distress psychology behind a doctor falling in love with his patient. Eventually, he'll stop feeling like the big man who saved her, and she'll stop feeling like the swooning princess being saved, and they'll go looking for that magic elsewhere."
"OP is NTA for hating both of them. And OP, your family sucks. They've watched too many Lifetime movies or some s**t. Your loss and pain shouldn't be negated because your ex hooked up with a cancer patient." - MiddleAged_BogWitch
Some also urged the OP to go as low-contact with her sister as she possibly could.
"Your entire family is just fine with your spouse leaving you for another woman? I'm sorry, but f**k your family." - DistrinctReception344
"I don't understand how they are all fine seeing their own sister/daughter/family member being the obstacle in her soon-to-be ex's true love story, instead of the homewrecker who destroyed their loved one's love story. What the f**k?!" - Go-Mellistic
"F**k that b***h. You are entitled to have feelings."
"And tell your sister to shut the f**k up for thinking it is romantic that her sister's husband is leaving her for another woman." - Irrelevant_Tess
"Clearly, the sister was jealous of the marriage since her sibling has a doctor husband."
"My sister-in-law would likely be ecstatic if my husband were to leave me. I've never done anything to her other than exist and move back to the US (we spent the first 10 years in another country, so she had dibs on being the best DIL for around five years)."
"Some people are just petty, jealous cows and don't deserve to be in our space." - AsymmetricalShawl
"NTA."
"My sister was always jealous of me, my ex was a diagnosed sociopath and extremely abusive, and life was hell."
"She continued speaking to him, even after I asked her not to and to not ever say anything about me, her response was, 'I know he wasn't good to you, but he was always good to me.' We no longer speak, for this and many other reasons."
"I don't think you're wrong for hating the woman. I'm guessing she knew he was married, and for someone who could've died, you'd think she'd be more grateful to be alive, instead of sleeping with married men."
"I'd be hating the ex, also. The saying that to forgive is about helping you, was not something I was able to do or understand until my ex was dead. As for all the women he slept with when we were married, thankfully, I don't live near any of them and didn't forgive but don't waste time thinking about any of them." - BeyondAbleCrip
"Your sister is a raging a**hole. I have one of those, and I don't talk to her anymore. My life is infinitely calmer and trouble-free."
"The affair partner having cancer doesn't mean jack s**t. It doesn't make her a saint. She's an a**hole, and your husband is an a**hole."
"NTA, OP." - Loose-Chemical-4982
"What the F**K is wrong with your sister?! AND the rest of your family?!"
"With your sister at least, it sounds like she may secretly resent you and is taking this opportunity to rub salt in your wound. I frankly can't imagine any other explanation for her callous, cruel, and abhorrent behavior."
"Like, even if she's screwed up enough to truly believe that this is some great romance, she should have the sense and consideration to keep those feelings to herself and prioritize your well-being. Any decent person would hold your hand and help you rant about what a**holes your ex and his affair partner are."
"I would absolutely not tolerate her bulls**t. I hope you send this post her way so she can see all the thousands of people calling her an a**hole." - Sea-Lead-9192
The subReddit was appalled that they were able to show the OP more compassion than the people who were supposed to love her the most in the world, but had clearly chosen to support her cheating husband instead.
Even though his new partner previously had cancer, that did not absolve her of being involved in what had undeniably been an affair. And it most certainly was not the start of a love story.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.