Americans are still grappling over the harsh reality we are living at a time when women are losing body autonomy and the decision to terminate unwanted pregnancies has become illegal in 12 states.
A woman who thought she and her husband had a deal to prevent getting pregnant found herself at odds and made a unilateral decision to ensure protection.
She subsequently visited the "Am I the A** Hole?" (AITAH) subReddit to seek judgmement from strangers online.
There, Redditor overthinkingsabotage asked:
"AITAH for withholding sex because my husband won't get a vasectomy?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Neither of us want children. This was discussed and agreed upon very early on in our relationship. The subject of sterilization came up during our engagement."
"We agreed it would be easier, cheaper, and less invasive for him to get a vasectomy vs me getting a bisalp. He said he would be sterilized after we got married."
"We've been married for three years now. Sterilization has been the focus of several arguments over the years, which have only gotten more frequent since RvW was overturned."
"We live in a red state with an absolute ban. There is legislature being proposed to document pregnant women and penalize out-of-state termination. I'm TERRIFIED of getting pregnant. It would ruin my life. He knows my feelings."
The OP continued:
"Every time I ask him about getting a vasectomy, he always says the same thing. 'I'm too busy, I don't have time, it's invasive, seeing a urologist will take forever, they don't even put you to sleep, etc.' "
"He's a resident doctor. It's true he is very busy. He works anywhere from 30-70 hours per week. I'm a PA student. I spend 50+ hours a week attending class and studying. But he has the luxury of taking time off. I do not. For the next two years, my schedule will be inflexible."
"He claims vasectomies are just as invasive as a laparoscopic bisalp. I told him that's simply not true, hence why general anesthesia is required for a bisalp and only local anesthesia for a vasectomy."
"Not to mention bisalps have a longer healing period and carry more risks than vasectomies. Considering his extensive medical knowledge, I was SHOCKED by his statement."
"We are both in our twenties—it's substantially harder for young women to find a provider who will sterilize them than it is for young men. I started looking for a provider months ago and found some promising leads. He hasn't even done a Google search."
The OP was feeling overwhelming emotional distress.
"I feel so disgusted, disappointed, and angry. He knows I'm terrified of getting pregnant. He knows bisalp is the more invasive procedure. He knows the entire process of finding a provider, scheduling the appointment, having the procedure, and then recovering post-op will be more difficult, time consuming, and expensive."
"I asked him why he's so unwilling to have the procedure. Is he scared? Does he want children? He said no to both, then repeats the same excuses."
"I finally told him to forget it, and that I'll go ahead with the bisalp. But sex is off the table and will be for the foreseeable future. Despite being on birth control, I'm no longer willing to take the risk. He thinks my reaction is unfair. AITAH?"
The OP updated the post with the following edits.
"Edit 1: Wow. Crazy how many people crawled out of the woodwork to tell me I'm punishing my husband by refusing sex. As if my body is a toy being taken away from him. Disgusting."
"Edit 2: No one is entitled to sex. Not even in marriage. I am not 'using sex as a weapon' as some of you vile individuals claim. I am protecting myself from unwanted pregnancy. My attitude toward sex evolved with my state's legislature. Contraception was sufficient until I lost access to abortion. Being forced to carry and birth an unwanted child would ruin my life. That is not a risk I'm willing to accept for anyone."
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"For someone who is supposed to care about you greatly he is showing less than none. I'd have to rethink my relationship in this situation. First he is being dishonest about something and refuses to communicate what his real issue is. Second he is willing to have you go through something much more invasive for reasons he will not disclose."
"I believe the dude is keeping his options open in case the marriage doesn't work out. Many women will not have a man who doesn't want children. And he is not willing to pare down his choices by doing something he can't undo. You do absolutely know that his excuses are bogus; as you said you're boggled by them because he is a doctor and you know he knows better."
"Since you know that you absolutely do not want children, go ahead with your plan. It's the only way you can be sure. As to sex...not only can you not take the chance of getting pregnant but really his attitude and care for you and dishonesty has to be a real turn off."
"You need to consider that the evidence is pretty clear that he never intended to have a vasectomy therefore he has been lying to you for over 3 years...since your first discussion. I would not be able to trust a guy who would do this. What else would/has he deceived you about. It's obvious that he's willing to as long as it suits his purposes." – Dazzling-Treacle1092
"If he's a first-year resident, then he REALLY should know better. And if not, I pity you and all his possible patients. A vasectomy is a MUCH simpler procedure (there's a reason it's done in the office versus in the OR like a salpingectomy). If your husband doesn't understand that simple difference maybe he should consider a much simpler career."
"Also don't put up with this sh+t. You are NTA, but if he continues to do this and you stay with him, then Y T A to yourself." – KaylinNeya3
"His body his choice 😆, but that also means you get to decide on your form of birth control, in this case... abstinence, which is the most effective, safest, painless, least invasive option." – lurkingreader1
"Agreed, it's 100% his choice, and none of this would've been an issue if he hadn't married her, making a promise he seems like he never intended to keep. like this to me feels like he agreed to it to trap her, and is now hoping to baby trap her or something."
"if he had just said 'hey, i'm actually a bit unsure about doing it i need to think about it' instead of the excuses, this never would've been a fight or an uncomfortable situation." – Slight_Chair5937
"That's how I feel as well. Something isn't right. For a doctor, he knows how these procedures work, as someone who also studied med… It's very weird, and it's not uncommon for people to 'trap' others in this area… I'm worried he might mess with her birth control, and it's good that she is exercising abstinence until she is able to be sterilized. I'm worried about the aftereffects, though. hope she pulls through." – TwoCharacter1396
"Also noting that he lied in order to persuade OP to marry him. I'm pretty sure the discussion over how they were going to not have kids would have been very different had he admitted right from the start that it was all going to be her problem to manage."
"He's *still* lying to OP by claiming medically-false facts as his justification for why he won't get sterilized after agreeing to do so."
"The blatant lying would be a marriage-killer for me."
"NTA." – SnarkyBeanBroth
"He is a doctor. He is not getting a vasectomy because he doesn't want to. He sees no risk to his life & his future if he contributes to an unwanted unplanned pregnancy. It won't affect his life or career so he doesn't feel it is important to protect your life (literally your life considering maternal mortality rates & abortion laws) and your career."
"Even if you wanted to & got sterilized yourself, is this the kind of person you want to build a life with?"
"I'd bet he doesn't even want to use condoms as a back up since you're on BC & he 'doesn't like the feel.' " – KindlyCelebration223
"I'm a husband, neither of us wanted kids. I got the vasectomy. Super easy, barely an inconvenience. I wasn't put under and left 15 minutes later. The pain was so minor that regular ibuprofen was fine. Best decision I ever made. Also so many guys worry that after a vasectomy their sex drive or performance suffers. Not the case at all. I'm in my mid 30s, and my sex drive is fine." – MacGruber46
Overall, Redditors felt the OP's decision to withhold sex from her husband was warranted, and they thought that for someone who is in the medical profession to be so apprehensive about the procedure was not only cowardly but deceptive towards his wife.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.