When two people get married, we always hope that everything will work out for them.
But some marriages inevitably lead to divorce or other problems, admitted the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor kacrats was conflicted by how her marriage was going because her husband discouraged her from continuing with an admittedly expensive hobby.
But when the situation worsened, the Original Poster (OP) realized the hobby may have been a sign of bigger problems.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for being mad that my husband is trying to financially edge me out of my 'expensive hobby'?"
The OP's financial situation with her husband was imbalanced.
"The back story: My husband and I have always had joint accounts and up until last year when our 3rd child was born, we made about the same amount of money."
"We made the decision that I would leave my FT (full-time) job and work PRN (part-time), so we could avoid the costs of daycare. This has cut my income in half."
"In addition, last year my husband started running a successful eBay store."
"He opened a separate account that I have no access to at all, and he started taking extra money from his paychecks each week and depositing it into that account, as well. He uses that money on whatever he wants."
"I manage our finances, budget, and pay all of our bills. I don't have a separate personal account, so all of 'my' money is poured into our mutual accounts, and he can see all of my spending."
"I keep spreadsheets that he has full access to but never looks at. We have savings and basically no debt aside from a mortgage and my student loans."
The OP's favorite hobby unfortunately came with a high price tag.
"And now: I am a very active Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu (BJJ) competitor and go to tournaments frequently. I would probably call bjj an 'expensive hobby.'"
"In the last few weeks, several entry fees came due at once, totaling close to $600."
"I have always cleared with him that I am going to do a certain tournament before I sign up and then I build the fees into the budget, and this was no different. And other than Jiu-Jitsu, I don't really spend money on anything else."
"He texted me while I was at work yesterday saying, 'Not really happy about your excessive spending recently. I think you should get your own account with an allowance to pay for this stuff.'"
"This was shocking to me because this has never been a problem until yesterday, and I've never spent so much money on BJJ that we can't save or pay our bills."
"Then he told me that he bought a car a few weeks ago with his personal funds."
The OP was concerned about her husband controlling the family's finances.
"I feel like he is trying to control me and financially edge me out of my hobby that he knows I love."
"I can give myself an allowance out of each of my paychecks, but I make a lot less money than him, and pretty much all of it goes to bills, so it would take me longer to save for each tournament, and I would have to do way fewer per year."
"If I want to do Jiu-Jitsu, I have to rely financially on him to do so, and again, it's never been a problem until yesterday because up until last year I made just as much money as him."
"Our mutual decision for me to leave my job only affects my paycheck."
"He can spend money on whatever he wants (like a car) without any oversight or accountability because he has his eBay store that he makes I-don't-know-how-much-money from each month (he never tells me but I'd say it's prob about $1000/mo)."
"Anyway, it started a big fight. He said he doesn't have to rely on me financially for his hobbies, so I shouldn't have to rely on him financially for mine."
"He said that our mutual money should go to bills and the kids only."
"Who's the AH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the husband was controlling and potentially abusive.
"If OP's husband wants to handle things this way, she needs to sit down with him and 'charge' him for being a nanny for their child. That money should come out of his income every week and go into a separate account for her."
"Additionally, he should be paying his portion of the bills differently. If between his eBay business and his career he makes 3X what she does, he should pay 3X the amount for bills."
"This is financial abuse and OP should be seeing her husband in a new and bad light after this." - crystallz2000
"I am not one to push breaking up a family, but there is a reason I said she needed to protect herself."
"In my husband's social circle (not necessarily our friends, but friends of friends) there were two divorces where SAHMs got really strapped for cash when their husbands didn't seem too frugal, so I am like, 'Goodness, Alice, and Amy seem financially strained...' while my husband is seeing the guy side, and thinking, 'Weird, Walt and Doug aren't?'"
"Yeah, the husbands were both doing some shifty financial stuff and soon their wives were communicating marital issues and then divorces."
"Our state does not give much in the way of alimony, a few times I have seen friends not get temporary support orders granted during the divorce proceedings, and divorces take a while so during their separations, the SAHMs start working and that lessens the alimony further."
"I wouldn't trust someone who puts me in a financially dependent position while continually constraining my financial means. That screams things will not get better, only worse." - wildferalfun
"NTA. Listen to this advice. You are losing your independence and professional growth. Every year that you are out of the job market leads to lower earning power in the long run." - Maxium-Company2719
"OP, Either ALL money is joint (given the situation of you being a SAHM for budget reasons) or you both have entirely separate accounts, you go back to work FT and a joint account is funded based upon percentage of earnings for each of you (including his eBay income)."
"But, given how incredibly untrustworthy he is being, I would absolutely get myself back FT in the workforce as quickly as possible because he is proving to be controlling." - thingsarelookingup2
Others thought the husband was planning to leave her.
"It seems like he's getting ready to leave her. Made her financially unstable, take his own money out of the shared account& make a separate one she doesn't know anything about, this is all steps you'd take before filing for divorce if you didn't want your partner to have too much in the settlement."
"Either that or he's gambling/ having an affair and doesn't want her to know about it."
"But either way, it's edging closer and closer to financial abuse." - acjl28
"My first thought is he is having an affair, I know it's out of the left-field, but this kind of personality shift coupled with buying 'new toys' like a car for no real reason just makes me think he's trying to impress someone, and it's certainly not his wife." - bookynerdworm
"Friend, bite the bullet. Go back to FT work, split the daycare costs. Sounds like he's laying down the plans for a divorce, and cutting you out of as much money as possible."
"You both should benefit from you being a SAHM. Right now he's the one who has full-time housekeeping, childcare, and financial management, while you are losing out."
"Also, his eBay business should benefit both of you. But he set it up so that you don't even know how much it's producing. Lots of red flags." - Maximum-Company2719
"NTA."
"But your husband is hiding something. I have no idea what and I'm not going to speculate. But for him to suddenly change his stance and unilaterally decide that you two should have separate finances…"
"There's always a reason for someone's behavior. Not 'reason' as in an excuse, but a motivation for why they're engaging in that behavior."
"Your husband has some motivation for wanting separate finances. To an outsider (i.e., me), it seems like he's trying to make you financially independent from him. I'd love to know why that's suddenly so important to him." - LavenderGooms_
Either way, some urged the OP to make a plan for herself and her children.
"Now is the time to leave while you are not making money... your alimony and child support will be higher. Also, have his eBay business valued and ensure you get half that, not just what is in the accounts."
"This isn't a partnership anymore. Sorry OP. This is his character. Don't even try to change him or threaten him. Just leave and find someone who cherishes you." - lovebombme2u
"NTA."
"I think you should try to figure out how much he is saving and the business is yielding. You might want to go back to work to get the salary and then share daycare?"
"It feels like your pay cut is subsidizing his ability to save money. I would also apportion the bills to the new income levels because you took on more burden while you were working. He contributed less during that time." - Turbulent_Patience_3
"NTA. Sounds to me that he is taking steps to leave, and you probably should as well. He's already separated his finances from yours and is further cutting you off from any of his income." - errerr
While the OP was primarily concerned about her husband financially forcing her to give up her favorite hobby, the subReddit was more concerned what the hobby might represent, which would be controlling behavior and even financial abuse.
No matter what was going on inside the husband's head, the subReddit agreed that the OP needed to return to her full-time work, so she could be financially independent of her husband, whether it was to fulfill her dreams in BJJ or in case a divorce was in her future.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.