We all make mistakes, and it's understood that in most cases, we can make up for those mistakes, and our loved ones will forgive us.
But when we start dipping our toes into illegal activities, that's where partners understandably start drawing a line, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DinnerRoutine1137 recently discovered that her husband had not only been lying about the financial situation for a really long time, but he also had stopped paying taxes.
When she discovered this, the Original Poster (OP) didn't think she could trust her husband anymore and started to consider a divorce.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by wanting a divorce after finding out my husband has been lying about our finances?"
The OP had been a stay-at-home mom after getting married.
"My (41 Female) husband (51 Male) and I have been married for 12 years and have three kids and also adult stepkids who were adults when I married him. I have a good relationship with my stepkids, who are estranged from their bio mom."
"I stayed home with our young kids (at his urging, I was working when I met him), and he provides financially through a business he owns."
"Over the years, I have asked many times about our taxes and been told that they have been taken care of."
The OP started to get suspicious about their financial situation.
"At some point, maybe five years ago, we started getting notices of a lien on our house. When I asked him about this, he said it was some kind of clerical mistake and not to worry about it."
"I started to get the inkling that he wasn't being honest, and I asked him about it many times."
"He would be aggressively angry at me for accusing him of lying and convince me that I was being paranoid and trying to sabotage our relationship."
"A couple of years ago, we started going to couples counseling for some other issues we were having, mainly a dead bedroom, because I just don't trust him. There are some other issues, mainly with him, not listening to how I feel, dismissing me, and treating me like his maid."
"In therapy, he also lied about the financial issues, but I didn't know that at the time. The therapist made me feel like everything was my fault because I was not trusting, so then the relationship improved for a little bit."
But then the OP learned the truth.
"Until a couple of months ago, when I checked my bank account and noticed that the [insert govt agency] had taken money out."
"I confronted him about it, and he confessed that he had not paid the taxes on the business in a couple years, which is for some reason connected to our taxes."
"He explained that he was just so stressed out, blah blah blah, and tried to blame it on his accountant."
"I tried to get over the dishonesty. A couple of weeks later, I found out that it has actually been 10 years since he paid taxes. So when he 'came clean' because he got caught, he STILL only told me part of the story."
That was the final blow for the OP.
"I'm just over it, and I want a divorce. I can't get over the dishonesty in the fact that I don't believe anything he says anymore. Not even 'I'm going to the store.'"
"Not to mention the possible legal and financial consequences for me…"
"But when I talk to people about it, they seem like they think I am overreacting and that I should try to forgive him."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some urged the OP to get in touch with her own lawyer and tax attorney right away, and to contact the government agency withdrawing funds from the account.
"You need your own lawyer and fast." - vbanddeer
"There are DOZENS of notices, and in many cases, years before they attach a lien or bank account. He's not being truthful."
"Contact the agency directly. Ask for transcripts of EVERYTHING for each tax year they are attaching a lien towards. Depending on the why, you may qualify for aggrieved spouse relief so you can get your bank money back."
"Get the transcripts and meet with your own attorney. The transcripts will let you meet with a couple of attorneys for a free consultation so you get a couple of opinions on what YOU can do based on fact, not half-truths."
"Then hire the person that seems to have the best plan to protect YOU." - Lopsided-Beach-1831
"My second husband didn't tell me MY house was being foreclosed on until six weeks before the court date. He got the mail daily, and I had no idea he wasn't paying the mortgage and that I was about to lose my first home."
"We had plenty of notice to fix what he ruined, but I never knew how bad it was, like the gazillion other spouses who've been screwed over, like OP's lying POS husband." - MsMoreCowbell828
"You need an attorney and an EA or CPA, preferably one who specializes in this stuff. You need advice from a professional, especially regarding the innocent spouse claim."
"There could be questions about what was known and what SHOULD have been known in regard to the tax filings, standard of living, business matters, etc. Not signing a tax return for a decade will, frankly, raise some questions." - CanIBeInvisible
"Get off Reddit and find a way to retain a lawyer. Beg, borrow, or steal it. You are in for a world of trouble, and you need help you can't get here. Run to a lawyer's office. Gather all the paperwork you can get your hands on."
"Bank statements, especially. That's if you can access them. Might want to find a firm that specializes in taxes and divorce. One stop shop. Best of luck to you. It's not the end of the world, and you can bounce back, but right now you need professional help." - Accidental-Aspic2179
Others reassured the OP that she was NOR for thinking of divorce and not trusting her husband.
"10 years?! I wouldn't trust this man with my financials even if I were dead. NOR." - Possible_Virus1439
"And because of the lies, he needs to be made legally responsible for all back taxes and debt. I wouldn't want to be within 100 miles of him when this all comes down." - Texascricket59
"You are not an idiot! He was a convincing liar because his lifestyle depended on it. Lying to his wife makes him the idiot, not you."
"Do not waste time or energy on regret! Use your time and energy to work with your lawyers to get untangled from this man and his finances as quickly and cleanly as you can."
"Moving forward, I wish you all the best. NOR." - Proverbs21-3
"NOR. My bestie's husband didn't pay taxes for 10 years they were together. When they divorced, she had $20,000 tax debt that she had to pay."
"File for divorce. Make the tax debt part of his settlement." - bdayqueen
"You are not overreacting at all. This is absolutely grounds for divorce. That's an insane lie for him to keep. He lied to your face for TEN YEARS and used therapy to gaslight you. Divorce. Immediately." - MHIH9C
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a pair of updates:
"UPDATE: Thank you all for the validation. My mom passed away unexpectedly a few years ago, and I really wish I could talk to her about this. I know it's silly to turn to Reddit, but I really do feel better, so thank you."
"I had already spoken with a divorce attorney, but thank you for your advice about the tax attorney; I spoke with one today."
"UPDATE 2: I want to make a comment about not being involved in our finances. As someone who grew up VERY poor and had never even been able to afford a credit card, I knew very little about financial literacy going into this."
"For any young people reading this, please take a financial literacy class; local public libraries sometimes have one, as well as nonprofit organizations. It really should be something offered in the public school system. Ultimately, it's your responsibility to care for your finances, and I sure wish I had known more about it to begin with."
"And YES be involved in your family's finances, even if you decide to do the hard and valuable work of staying home and raising your kids. It's your money and your responsibility too, and your kids' future!"
"(Also, don't let anyone convince you that you 'should' have kids or get married, those are just options.) Lastly, don't think that you don't deserve to be treated well because you don't work. You're equal partners. Period."
"Huge thank you to you all for your advice and support. It really does help."
The subReddit was shocked and immediately urged the OP to take action before this situation could become even worse for her. She could have been more involved in her finances in the past, but there's no time like the present to make a change, especially with a husband who withheld such terrible information.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.