In relationships, there are some things better left unsaid. But to what extent is that entirely true?
One married couple agreed to mutually leave their sexual history undisclosed.
But for Redditor "Automatic-Piccolo-81" that plan didn't work out so well when the truth came out, causing him to visit the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit to see what strangers had to say about his handling of the situation.
The Original Poster (OP) asked:
"AITA for not telling my wife there was a possibility her best friend's daughter is mine?"
He confided in Reddit about his past.
"About 7 years ago, my wife's best friend and her husband split and it looked like they were headed for divorce."
"Around the same time my wife (then girlfriend) and I split. I think it is worth pointing out that my wife was the one who called it quits."
"When we split, we were officially broken up. This was not just a break."
"I did not see any chance for us and figured our relationship was done, so when my wife's best friend showed interest, I decided to sleep with her. We were never serious. It was purely physical."
"This went on for a few months, and then she broke things off with me because she and her husband had decided to give things another shot. It was not long after they reconciled that she announced they were expecting."
"She never reached out to me to confirm either way if it could be mine, so I assumed it was her husbands."
"I didn't know she had been sleeping with him while we were together, but I suspected that there was some other guy she was also sleeping with based on some of her behaviors."
"About a year after all this happened, my wife and I started seeing each other again. We dated for a while and then decided to get married. I never told my wife about my relationship with her best friend because we were broken up at the time and I wanted to have a clean start."
"Everything was fine until her best friend and her husband starting have problems a year ago. They have been going through a nasty divorce. At some point her husband decided he wanted a paternity test and discovered that his daughter is not his biologically."
"The best friend then admitted she was mostly sure it was mine. The husband then contacted my wife and told her what her friend had said."
"Since then I have been dealing with the fallout. My wife think I was an AH for not mentioning what happened between us, but I never had any reason to suspect it could be my daughter until now."
"I don't think it would have made sense to tell her about something that I thought was low probability."
"It seems crazy to me to hold this against me when I never suspected anything. AITA for not telling her when I honestly did not believe the child was mine?
The OP updated his post to mention a vital piece of information that changed everything:
"Just to note that we did agree when we got back together that we weren't going to discuss who we slept with."
"I think that is a crucial detail that I left out. And I have never asked her either."
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked to weigh in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
The update resulted in varying reactions.
"The OP's edit changes everything, though. NTA!" – is_it_controversial
However, this Redditor's opinion did not change after the update.
"YTA The OP's edit changes nothing. Sleeping with her best friend and possibly fathering a child is not what was meant by their agreement not to discuss their sex lives while they were broken up."
"The fact that OP doesn't even think that his wife has a right to be upset makes him an even bigger AH." – DawnaZeee
"It's one thing not to talk about who they slept with if that's what they agreed on."
"But it's pretty stupid of him to be claiming he had no reason to suspect the child could be his."
"I feel like he should have either made an effort to find out about the paternity of the child, or he should have discussed the possibility with his wife, and they could have figured out how they wanted to proceed together." – TheHottestJupiter
"Indeed, what he meant to say was 'there was a perfectly good justification for me to not deal with it, so I didn't.'"
"That said, if they agreed not to speak about it then they agreed not to speak about it. I assume the wife had been with other people as well and didn't want to talk about it.. she doesn't get to then be pissed to find out that her husband slept with her friend and that a potential consequence of having sex happened."
"Especially if the friend opted not to contact him and say 'this child could be yours' he wasn't obligated to reach out."
"Honestly this one can go either way." – WafflesAreEpic
When someone implied the OP would be TA (the a**hole) for not "wanting to deal with the child," Redditor WafflesAreEpic asked readers to "imagine" a fictional scenario.
"My wife and I split up for a year and during that time I hooked up with her friend on and off. We stopped when she got back with her husband and then later on I got back with my wife, with whom I agreed not to discuss who we slept with when we were apart."
"The friend then announced she and her husband were expecting and despite her not contacting me or implying that the child is or could be mine, I insisted on getting a paternity test and being in their life! Now she's super pissed at me and the husband is divorcing her... AITA?!?!"
Then WafflesAreEpic continued and explained—after careful consideration—why they think the OP is definitely NTA.
"That would be YTA'd so damn fast your head would spin. Honestly having thought it over I'm firmly in the NTA side of things for OP."
"Yeah he probably breathed a sigh of relief at not being contacted and told he had a kid but I don't think that makes him an a**hole. Nor does not disclosing to his wife that he slept with her friend when they agreed not to talk about that stuff."
"If at any point he'd known or the friend had contacted him and let him know, that's one thing. She didn't."
This Redditor asked readers to consider the difference of intent—with the OP's arrangement of not disclosing who they slept with prior to getting married—to make their judgment.
"Also there's a big difference between 'let's not tell each other the specifics of who we slept with' and 'I don't want you to tell me if you slept with my BEST FRIEND.'"
"It's a classic lie of omission. It's the same thing as, I don't know, saying 'borrow my clothes whenever you want and don't ask me' and having someone borrow a wedding dress."
"The conversation was obviously had under NORMAL parameters as a person would reasonably understand them, and OP used that to hide extraordinary information his wife OBVIOUSLY would have wanted to know." – llama_del_reyy
"Exactly! I suspect that even if the wife was the one who suggested not talking about who they slept with, she was envisioning not wanting to hear about some girl he picked up at a club."
"I bet her opinion would have changed if she'd known it was her best friend, who she presumably then saw all the time and probably confided in about her relationship more than once, not knowing that said best friend had in fact slept with her husband multiple times." – LadyCatTree
"Yup, this. It's fine to say 'let's not discuss the details,' unless you KNOW the details are especially relevant or hurtful."
"You know, like sleeping with her best friend. There's no way to just 'not discuss the details' on something like that in good faith." – coastalshelves
This person started with YTA but implied that the OP is not alone in his "a**holery."
"I totally agree, and I'm calling YTA. I'm not 100% sure of the specifics regarding timeline and BC, but if this woman was sleeping with OP and one other guy surely the chances of him being the father are roughly 50/50? The way this is written sounds like willful ignorance."
"He didn't want to deal with an uncomfortable problem so he convinced himself it wasn't a significant possibility, or even a significant probability."
"When you have the 'I don't want to know who you slept with' conversation, I personally feel that if the fallout from that period has the potential to damage the wife's relationship with her best friend, and significantly impact the rest of all marriage/ lives it's a sh**ty thing to call her out on a technicality and claim she has no right to be upset that this huge secret was kept from her because they agreed not to discuss the sex part."
"Also honestly the best friend is also TA for sleeping with her best friend's ex and keeping it a secret. There's a lot of a**holery here IMO." – thehoneybadger93
Despite having a verbal nondisclosure agreement, this is an example of having no control over how the truth prevails.
The OP provided no further update to confirm he is the actual father and how he and his wife would proceed if he was.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.