In relationships, there are some things better left unsaid. But to what extent is that entirely true?
One married couple agreed to mutually leave their sexual history undisclosed.
But for Redditor “Automatic-Piccolo-81” that plan didn’t work out so well when the truth came out, causing him to visit the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit to see what strangers had to say about his handling of the situation.
The Original Poster (OP) asked:
“AITA for not telling my wife there was a possibility her best friend’s daughter is mine?”
He confided in Reddit about his past.
“About 7 years ago, my wife’s best friend and her husband split and it looked like they were headed for divorce.”
“Around the same time my wife (then girlfriend) and I split. I think it is worth pointing out that my wife was the one who called it quits.”
“When we split, we were officially broken up. This was not just a break.”
“I did not see any chance for us and figured our relationship was done, so when my wife’s best friend showed interest, I decided to sleep with her. We were never serious. It was purely physical.”
“This went on for a few months, and then she broke things off with me because she and her husband had decided to give things another shot. It was not long after they reconciled that she announced they were expecting.”
“She never reached out to me to confirm either way if it could be mine, so I assumed it was her husbands.”
“I didn’t know she had been sleeping with him while we were together, but I suspected that there was some other guy she was also sleeping with based on some of her behaviors.”
“About a year after all this happened, my wife and I started seeing each other again. We dated for a while and then decided to get married. I never told my wife about my relationship with her best friend because we were broken up at the time and I wanted to have a clean start.”
“Everything was fine until her best friend and her husband starting have problems a year ago. They have been going through a nasty divorce. At some point her husband decided he wanted a paternity test and discovered that his daughter is not his biologically.”
“The best friend then admitted she was mostly sure it was mine. The husband then contacted my wife and told her what her friend had said.”
“Since then I have been dealing with the fallout. My wife think I was an AH for not mentioning what happened between us, but I never had any reason to suspect it could be my daughter until now.”
“I don’t think it would have made sense to tell her about something that I thought was low probability.”
“It seems crazy to me to hold this against me when I never suspected anything. AITA for not telling her when I honestly did not believe the child was mine?
The OP updated his post to mention a vital piece of information that changed everything:
“Just to note that we did agree when we got back together that we weren’t going to discuss who we slept with.”
“I think that is a crucial detail that I left out. And I have never asked her either.”
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked to weigh in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The update resulted in varying reactions.
“The OP’s edit changes everything, though. NTA!” – is_it_controversial
However, this Redditor’s opinion did not change after the update.
“YTA The OP’s edit changes nothing. Sleeping with her best friend and possibly fathering a child is not what was meant by their agreement not to discuss their sex lives while they were broken up.”
“The fact that OP doesn’t even think that his wife has a right to be upset makes him an even bigger AH.” – DawnaZeee
“It’s one thing not to talk about who they slept with if that’s what they agreed on.”
“But it’s pretty stupid of him to be claiming he had no reason to suspect the child could be his.”
“I feel like he should have either made an effort to find out about the paternity of the child, or he should have discussed the possibility with his wife, and they could have figured out how they wanted to proceed together.” – TheHottestJupiter
“Indeed, what he meant to say was ‘there was a perfectly good justification for me to not deal with it, so I didn’t.'”
“That said, if they agreed not to speak about it then they agreed not to speak about it. I assume the wife had been with other people as well and didn’t want to talk about it.. she doesn’t get to then be pissed to find out that her husband slept with her friend and that a potential consequence of having sex happened.”
“Especially if the friend opted not to contact him and say ‘this child could be yours’ he wasn’t obligated to reach out.”
“Honestly this one can go either way.” – WafflesAreEpic
“My wife and I split up for a year and during that time I hooked up with her friend on and off. We stopped when she got back with her husband and then later on I got back with my wife, with whom I agreed not to discuss who we slept with when we were apart.”
“The friend then announced she and her husband were expecting and despite her not contacting me or implying that the child is or could be mine, I insisted on getting a paternity test and being in their life! Now she’s super pissed at me and the husband is divorcing her… AITA?!?!”
Then WafflesAreEpic continued and explained—after careful consideration—why they think the OP is definitely NTA.
“That would be YTA’d so damn fast your head would spin. Honestly having thought it over I’m firmly in the NTA side of things for OP.”
“Yeah he probably breathed a sigh of relief at not being contacted and told he had a kid but I don’t think that makes him an a**hole. Nor does not disclosing to his wife that he slept with her friend when they agreed not to talk about that stuff.”
“If at any point he’d known or the friend had contacted him and let him know, that’s one thing. She didn’t.”
This Redditor asked readers to consider the difference of intent—with the OP’s arrangement of not disclosing who they slept with prior to getting married—to make their judgment.
“Also there’s a big difference between ‘let’s not tell each other the specifics of who we slept with’ and ‘I don’t want you to tell me if you slept with my BEST FRIEND.'”
“It’s a classic lie of omission. It’s the same thing as, I don’t know, saying ‘borrow my clothes whenever you want and don’t ask me’ and having someone borrow a wedding dress.”
“The conversation was obviously had under NORMAL parameters as a person would reasonably understand them, and OP used that to hide extraordinary information his wife OBVIOUSLY would have wanted to know.” – llama_del_reyy
“Exactly! I suspect that even if the wife was the one who suggested not talking about who they slept with, she was envisioning not wanting to hear about some girl he picked up at a club.”
“I bet her opinion would have changed if she’d known it was her best friend, who she presumably then saw all the time and probably confided in about her relationship more than once, not knowing that said best friend had in fact slept with her husband multiple times.” – LadyCatTree
“Yup, this. It’s fine to say ‘let’s not discuss the details,’ unless you KNOW the details are especially relevant or hurtful.”
“You know, like sleeping with her best friend. There’s no way to just ‘not discuss the details’ on something like that in good faith.” – coastalshelves
This person started with YTA but implied that the OP is not alone in his “a**holery.”
“I totally agree, and I’m calling YTA. I’m not 100% sure of the specifics regarding timeline and BC, but if this woman was sleeping with OP and one other guy surely the chances of him being the father are roughly 50/50? The way this is written sounds like willful ignorance.”
“He didn’t want to deal with an uncomfortable problem so he convinced himself it wasn’t a significant possibility, or even a significant probability.”
“When you have the ‘I don’t want to know who you slept with’ conversation, I personally feel that if the fallout from that period has the potential to damage the wife’s relationship with her best friend, and significantly impact the rest of all marriage/ lives it’s a sh**ty thing to call her out on a technicality and claim she has no right to be upset that this huge secret was kept from her because they agreed not to discuss the sex part.”
“Also honestly the best friend is also TA for sleeping with her best friend’s ex and keeping it a secret. There’s a lot of a**holery here IMO.” – thehoneybadger93
Despite having a verbal nondisclosure agreement, this is an example of having no control over how the truth prevails.
The OP provided no further update to confirm he is the actual father and how he and his wife would proceed if he was.