When a person learns that their partner is cheating, there's sometimes a lingering question of whether or not their affair partner might be cheating, too.
Because there's just as much of a chance that two relationships are getting ruined when a pair of people cheat, rather than one person being single, cringed the users of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor EquivalentPay10 discovered that her husband was deeply involved in an affair, but instead of going directly to him to confront him about it, she decided to answer another question she had about his mistress.
When she discovered that the mistress was engaged to be married, the Original Poster (OP) wanted to inform the future groom, just in case he didn't want to have to get out of a marriage just like she would soon have to.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for telling my husband's affair partner's fiancé about their relationship?"
The OP discovered that her husband was having an affair.
"I (31 Female) found out two months ago that my husband (33 Male) was having an affair with a woman from his gym."
"I noticed changes. Guarding his phone, hitting the gym twice a day, suddenly caring about how he looked all the time. He even started acting oddly nice to me, like overcompensating."
"Eventually, I found the messages. Not just flirty, not just emotional, but a full-blown affair. Pictures, videos, dates. It crushed me."
Instead of confronting him, however, the OP had another plan.
"But I didn't confront him right away. I did some digging and found out she was also engaged. Her wedding is in three months."
"So I made a choice, I reached out to her fiancé. I sent screenshots of the messages and offered to answer any questions he had. He was heartbroken but thankful I told him."
Instead of being apologetic about the affair, the OP's husband blamed her for ruining two relationships.
"When I finally confronted my husband, he was livid not just because I found out, but because I 'dragged someone else into it.'"
"He said what happened was 'a mistake,' and now I'd ruined two relationships, not just our own."
"His family is furious, saying I had no right to interfere in another couple's life."
"Even a few friends told me it was 'petty' and I should've focused on my own marriage instead of seeking revenge."
The OP believed that she had done the right thing but felt conflicted about it.
"But I honestly didn't do it out of revenge. I did it because if I were in that man's shoes, I'd want to know."
"So now I'm filing for divorce, my life is in pieces, and somehow I'm the villain in other people's eyes."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that it was the OP's husband, not her, who ruined two relationships.
"NTA. Your (ex) husband interfered in another couple's life and he ruined two relationships, not you." - lurninandlurkin
"NTA. You provided proof of the affairs the fiancé's future wife was having an affair. The fiancé made the call to cancel the wedding. Who cares what the family of the cheater thinks?" - Tsugita1
"You need to cut off any family or friends who said you did something wrong. They're morally bankrupt!!!! And his family are enablers! I wish you healing!!" - No_Lavishness_7268
"You did nothing wrong. You should leave your s**tty husband who is not even remorseful and attacking you instead of feeling regret."
"You are a kind woman. You saved another man from wasting his energy on a cheating woman." - TeaInternational8753
"His family is trying to coddle him and shift the blame, and I don't understand your friend's perspective. They don't think this other fiancé had the right to know, especially before he married this woman?"
"Your life is changing now, regardless of whether you stay with your husband or not, but I suggest you also reevaluate your relationships with your friends if that's their moral compass." - litegasser
Others reassured the OP that she did the right thing by informing the groom of the affair.
"You were the only person acting decent here."
'You've potentially saved the fiancé from getting a sexually transmitted disease because she's cheated once already. What would stop her from cheating again or, she could have cheated in the past and not been caught? That is a reason to warn him in and of itself."
"You've also saved him from financial and legal entanglement with someone who was lying to him already."
"She decided to cheat and lie, as did your soon-to-be-ex-husband. You didn't ruin everything, they did. These people blaming you are victim blaming and can f**k right off."
"You saved a man from potential financial and health ruin, well done." - Sensitive-Seal-3779
"You never ruined anything. Actually, you did the fiancé a solid. He now knows who he is marrying before he ruins his life."
"You didn't ruin relationships, you prevented someone from ruining their life." - Material_Cellist4133
"If I were the guy whose fiancée was cheating on him three months prior to our wedding, I would be grateful to you beyond words."
"He really needed to know. Although he is heartbroken now, you saved this man a lot of suffering had he gone through with the wedding without knowing about the affair. You did the right thing."
"The a**holes who broke two relationships are your ex and the AP, not you. People, when they get caught, do tend to flip it back onto you and gaslight and manipulate." - Intelligent-Web-8537
"OP, let me tell you a story. I was happily (I thought) married for fifteen years. I found out through a very crazy set of circumstances that my husband had cheated on me… had a full-blown affair that lasted for four months… during our third year of marriage."
"I was absolutely crushed, and what made it worse was that the people who knew about it, being a coworker of his and the affair partner's fiancé, never told me. It made me question my entire marriage, and I look back on everything and don't know what was real and what was a lie. That secret destroyed my memories and my trust in ways that I can never get back."
"When the affair happened, we didn't have kids. We went on to have three. While I absolutely adore my kids and can't imagine a life without them, I also know how much they were affected by the divorce and the spiral it sent me into. I wish so much that I knew about his affair when it happened because finding out later hurt so much more."
"Also, I found out he was having another affair when I found out about the first. So it's not like it was a 'one-time mistake.' It rarely is."
"You did the right thing by telling the fiancé. He deserved to know before committing his life to that woman. It wasn't revenge. It was informing the other victim."
"Your (ex) husband is wrong and shifting blame that belongs only to him and his affair partner. As for your friends, I don't know what they're on about, but I think you need better friends. You are 100% NTA. I'm so sorry they did this to you." - RiskMain1939
"The innocent party thanked her, and the guilty party is mad at her."
"In situations like this, I remind myself that he was going to be mad at you anyway, so you can respond however you want. If someone is just going to be miserable no matter what happens, then why bother moderating your behavior for their benefit anymore? Do what you gotta do."
"Some people just aren't happy unless they put themselves in lose-lose scenarios so they always have something to whine about. I say give him what he wants, like maybe a kick in the balls." - Solid_Waste
One Redditor even offered the OP a reading recommendation!
"OP, I'm not sure if you read romance at all, but 'Funny Story' by Emily Henry is about this same situation, except I don't think the main character's partner cheats, but rather just leaves her for his childhood best friend who's also engaged, and the main character and the other woman's fiancé fall in love."
"I haven't actually read this book myself, but I've read all of the author's books released prior and loved them. I really hope this doesn't come off as insensitive, for me, sometimes reading or listening to music about a similar situation in my life helps ease the stress or pain because it makes me feel less alone in it, so I thought a nice story with a happy ending might help."
"Best of luck to you and good on you for being brave enough to be truthful, not just with yourself, but with the other woman's fiancé in your story as well!" - Sad_Archer_9189
The OP was relieved to see what other people thought.
"Thank you all so much for this. It's been hard not to carry the weight of everything that happened, especially when people try to shift the blame onto me just for telling the truth."
"I didn't break anything, I just exposed what was already broken. You're absolutely right, it was his actions that caused the damage, not mine."
"I've spent a lot of time questioning if I did the right thing, but your words help me remember that honesty isn't the enemy here. I truly appreciate your support and clarity, it really helps me move forward with a little more peace."
The subReddit applauded the OP for standing up for herself and also giving the information to the future groom, so he could make the decision that would best suit him and his future.
Finding out and telling the groom was not ruining two relationships; it was ending to pretend relationships that were masquerading as real relationships.
If the cheaters wanted to be together that badly, they could just do that, no strings attached, and let the OP and the groom have the lives that they both deserved.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.