When a person learns that their partner is cheating, there’s sometimes a lingering question of whether or not their affair partner might be cheating, too.
Because there’s just as much of a chance that two relationships are getting ruined when a pair of people cheat, rather than one person being single, cringed the users of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor EquivalentPay10 discovered that her husband was deeply involved in an affair, but instead of going directly to him to confront him about it, she decided to answer another question she had about his mistress.
When she discovered that the mistress was engaged to be married, the Original Poster (OP) wanted to inform the future groom, just in case he didn’t want to have to get out of a marriage just like she would soon have to.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my husband’s affair partner’s fiancé about their relationship?”
The OP discovered that her husband was having an affair.
“I (31 Female) found out two months ago that my husband (33 Male) was having an affair with a woman from his gym.”
“I noticed changes. Guarding his phone, hitting the gym twice a day, suddenly caring about how he looked all the time. He even started acting oddly nice to me, like overcompensating.”
“Eventually, I found the messages. Not just flirty, not just emotional, but a full-blown affair. Pictures, videos, dates. It crushed me.”
Instead of confronting him, however, the OP had another plan.
“But I didn’t confront him right away. I did some digging and found out she was also engaged. Her wedding is in three months.”
“So I made a choice, I reached out to her fiancé. I sent screenshots of the messages and offered to answer any questions he had. He was heartbroken but thankful I told him.”
Instead of being apologetic about the affair, the OP’s husband blamed her for ruining two relationships.
“When I finally confronted my husband, he was livid not just because I found out, but because I ‘dragged someone else into it.'”
“He said what happened was ‘a mistake,’ and now I’d ruined two relationships, not just our own.”
“His family is furious, saying I had no right to interfere in another couple’s life.”
“Even a few friends told me it was ‘petty’ and I should’ve focused on my own marriage instead of seeking revenge.”
The OP believed that she had done the right thing but felt conflicted about it.
“But I honestly didn’t do it out of revenge. I did it because if I were in that man’s shoes, I’d want to know.”
“So now I’m filing for divorce, my life is in pieces, and somehow I’m the villain in other people’s eyes.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that it was the OP’s husband, not her, who ruined two relationships.
“NTA. Your (ex) husband interfered in another couple’s life and he ruined two relationships, not you.” – lurninandlurkin
“NTA. You provided proof of the affairs the fiancé’s future wife was having an affair. The fiancé made the call to cancel the wedding. Who cares what the family of the cheater thinks?” – Tsugita1
“You need to cut off any family or friends who said you did something wrong. They’re morally bankrupt!!!! And his family are enablers! I wish you healing!!” – No_Lavishness_7268
“You did nothing wrong. You should leave your s**tty husband who is not even remorseful and attacking you instead of feeling regret.”
“You are a kind woman. You saved another man from wasting his energy on a cheating woman.” – TeaInternational8753
“His family is trying to coddle him and shift the blame, and I don’t understand your friend’s perspective. They don’t think this other fiancé had the right to know, especially before he married this woman?”
“Your life is changing now, regardless of whether you stay with your husband or not, but I suggest you also reevaluate your relationships with your friends if that’s their moral compass.” – litegasser
Others reassured the OP that she did the right thing by informing the groom of the affair.
“You were the only person acting decent here.”
‘You’ve potentially saved the fiancé from getting a sexually transmitted disease because she’s cheated once already. What would stop her from cheating again or, she could have cheated in the past and not been caught? That is a reason to warn him in and of itself.”
“You’ve also saved him from financial and legal entanglement with someone who was lying to him already.”
“She decided to cheat and lie, as did your soon-to-be-ex-husband. You didn’t ruin everything, they did. These people blaming you are victim blaming and can f**k right off.”
“You saved a man from potential financial and health ruin, well done.” – Sensitive-Seal-3779
“You never ruined anything. Actually, you did the fiancé a solid. He now knows who he is marrying before he ruins his life.”
“You didn’t ruin relationships, you prevented someone from ruining their life.” – Material_Cellist4133
“If I were the guy whose fiancée was cheating on him three months prior to our wedding, I would be grateful to you beyond words.”
“He really needed to know. Although he is heartbroken now, you saved this man a lot of suffering had he gone through with the wedding without knowing about the affair. You did the right thing.”
“The a**holes who broke two relationships are your ex and the AP, not you. People, when they get caught, do tend to flip it back onto you and gaslight and manipulate.” – Intelligent-Web-8537
“OP, let me tell you a story. I was happily (I thought) married for fifteen years. I found out through a very crazy set of circumstances that my husband had cheated on me… had a full-blown affair that lasted for four months… during our third year of marriage.”
“I was absolutely crushed, and what made it worse was that the people who knew about it, being a coworker of his and the affair partner’s fiancé, never told me. It made me question my entire marriage, and I look back on everything and don’t know what was real and what was a lie. That secret destroyed my memories and my trust in ways that I can never get back.”
“When the affair happened, we didn’t have kids. We went on to have three. While I absolutely adore my kids and can’t imagine a life without them, I also know how much they were affected by the divorce and the spiral it sent me into. I wish so much that I knew about his affair when it happened because finding out later hurt so much more.”
“Also, I found out he was having another affair when I found out about the first. So it’s not like it was a ‘one-time mistake.’ It rarely is.”
“You did the right thing by telling the fiancé. He deserved to know before committing his life to that woman. It wasn’t revenge. It was informing the other victim.”
“Your (ex) husband is wrong and shifting blame that belongs only to him and his affair partner. As for your friends, I don’t know what they’re on about, but I think you need better friends. You are 100% NTA. I’m so sorry they did this to you.” – RiskMain1939
“The innocent party thanked her, and the guilty party is mad at her.”
“In situations like this, I remind myself that he was going to be mad at you anyway, so you can respond however you want. If someone is just going to be miserable no matter what happens, then why bother moderating your behavior for their benefit anymore? Do what you gotta do.”
“Some people just aren’t happy unless they put themselves in lose-lose scenarios so they always have something to whine about. I say give him what he wants, like maybe a kick in the balls.” – Solid_Waste
One Redditor even offered the OP a reading recommendation!
“OP, I’m not sure if you read romance at all, but ‘Funny Story’ by Emily Henry is about this same situation, except I don’t think the main character’s partner cheats, but rather just leaves her for his childhood best friend who’s also engaged, and the main character and the other woman’s fiancé fall in love.”
“I haven’t actually read this book myself, but I’ve read all of the author’s books released prior and loved them. I really hope this doesn’t come off as insensitive, for me, sometimes reading or listening to music about a similar situation in my life helps ease the stress or pain because it makes me feel less alone in it, so I thought a nice story with a happy ending might help.”
“Best of luck to you and good on you for being brave enough to be truthful, not just with yourself, but with the other woman’s fiancé in your story as well!” – Sad_Archer_9189
The OP was relieved to see what other people thought.
“Thank you all so much for this. It’s been hard not to carry the weight of everything that happened, especially when people try to shift the blame onto me just for telling the truth.”
“I didn’t break anything, I just exposed what was already broken. You’re absolutely right, it was his actions that caused the damage, not mine.”
“I’ve spent a lot of time questioning if I did the right thing, but your words help me remember that honesty isn’t the enemy here. I truly appreciate your support and clarity, it really helps me move forward with a little more peace.”
The subReddit applauded the OP for standing up for herself and also giving the information to the future groom, so he could make the decision that would best suit him and his future.
Finding out and telling the groom was not ruining two relationships; it was ending to pretend relationships that were masquerading as real relationships.
If the cheaters wanted to be together that badly, they could just do that, no strings attached, and let the OP and the groom have the lives that they both deserved.