It's that time of the year, when romance is in the air and people struggle to justify why they're single. Not everyone has to deal with that, but it doesn't mean things are any easier when you're deciding on a gift for your significant other.
Redditor Conscious-Roof-1064 encountered this exact issue when he chose his gifts for his girlfriend. Now he's going to the "Am I the A**hole" to find out if he was wrong to get her the gift.
The original poster (OP) asked:
"AITA for getting my girlfriend a bidet?"
Before you start judging, read his story.
"Hey everyone, I'll try to keep this short. I'm 28M, my girlfriend is 24F. My mom got me a bidet for Christmas and it changed my life. I love it."
"I honestly can not say enough wonderful things about having a bidet."
"So for Valentine's Day I got my girl the typical flowers and chocolate, a necklace, and..... a bidet. I honestly thought it was a good idea, I legitimately thought she'd love it, my mom also got my sister one and she loves hers."
"I got my girlfriend a really good one, set it up for her and everything."
"She was f***ing PISSED when she saw I got it for her. She said that I was insinuating that she was dirty, and that I was passively aggressively telling her she needed to clean herself better."
"My girlfriend is a meticulously clean person. I've never had any complaints about how she grooms herself, she always smells great and is waxed and clean everywhere, I honestly just wanted to share the joy my bidet brought me with her."
"Was this a bad judgment call? AITA here?"
Now you are free to judge OP. Who would think of a plumbing gift for Valentine's Day?
The users on AITA judge stories like this with one of these acronyms:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
There was a lot of discussion, but the board determined OP was wrong to give his girlfriend that gift without consulting her.
"The lightest YTA, but only because you didn't stop and think about it for a second. You got her an ass cleaner for the what is considered the most romantic day of the year." - themajorfall
"YTA for assuming that you liking something meant your girlfriend would automatically like it as much. This gift is way too specific to get for someone without discussing beforehand, never mind going ahead and installing it in their home before they'd okay'd it."
"TBH I'm wondering if because you love having a bidet you just wanted one when you're at her place too, in which case it's a gift for you, not a valentines gift for her. If you'd asked if you could set one up I feel like that might have gone over better, rather than masquerading it as a gift for her."
"She kinda sucks for jumping to getting all offended (rather than just calling you out for an inappropriate gift), but, I mean, who knows how any of us would react if someone secretly installed a bidet in our home." – dioor
"Mild YTA. I mean, you were trying to do a nice thing and give your girlfriend a practical gift you thought could benefit her, but you have to see how it would look to her to just give her that unprompted."
"Just apologise profusely, explain to her that it's nothing to do with being clean, you just really love yours and it changed your life and wanted to share that with her but she doesn't have to use it if she doesn't want it." - niv727
But it wasn't so cut and dry. Many people discussed the idea of the gift versus the reaction of the girlfriend and how it would be perceived.
Plenty of comments didn't think it was all that bad.
"Very mild ESH. There's a time and a place for plumbing related acts of service, valentines day isn't one of them. It was thoughtful of you, just badly executed."
"I'd suggest apologising for this misjudgement, not forcing the issue and letting events play out. Hopefully once heads are cooler you and your partner will both be laughing about this."
"Enjoy your fresh tushies :)" - HopkirkDeceased
"I'm not sure you would necessarily be TA so much as it simply being a giant fail in communication and timing."
"You probably should have not done it as a gift, especially at Valentine's day, but it's also not really one of those things you spring on a partner without their having expressed a willingness, if not a desire, to own such a thing."
"I can also 100% see how she would have taken that personally."
"I'm going to go with NAH, but you got some serious talking to do with your girlfriend when she's calmed down enough to hear what you're saying." - ArtOfOdd
"It's hard to consider you an 'asshole' for what is essentially a badly timed, but considerate, gift. Really, your crime is being a bit oblivious to context regarding when you give the gift of a bidet!"
"I'd honestly go with NAH (except some clean ones). It actually sounds encouraging if you can have a relationship where weird gifts are normal, along with honest gift feedback." - JohnBovril
OP took it all in stride. He's since reconciled with his girlfriend, but loves the comments he's getting.
In fact, he asked for more.
"Update: My GF just texted me and said she used the bidet this morning and loves it 😂 Still loving these judgements though, keep 'em coming"
"Final update: thanks for all your comments, guys. I get it-I was the a**hole, wrong day, I'm a dumba**, but hey, if I'm going to be an a**hole, at least I'm a clean one.
"My girlfriend and I are both loving reading all of these comments, she loves the gift and has since apologized for freaking out and making a snap judgement on her gift. Have a great night, everyone!"
And he even responded to some of the funnier comments.
"YTA unless the card said 'your heart is big but your butt is bigger happy Valentine's Day'" - Bubbledbacteria
"F***! Missed opportunity" - Conscious-Roof-1064
"Honestly, as a person who has used bidets... NTA."
"I can understand where your girlfriend might be stretching to, but she has to try it to believe it (and I see that she did LOL) but like, yeah, my parents tried a bidet recently at the fancy appliance store (they had them in the bathrooms) and were HOOKED."
"(I used them in Japan and it was definitely life-changing)."
"You definitely got her this gift out of love and for a meticulously clean person as you say your gf is, this actually makes being clean easier so, yeah."
"I totally get it's a 'weird' gift and might be offensive without context but like, the context is: get a bidet." - The-Moocat
"Seriously if any Redditors take anything from this I hope it's this: GET A BIDET." - Conscious-Roof-1064
Things worked out well for OP and his partner, and this will be a story they can laugh about for a while. Using a bidet may even become an inside joke.
But if you're unsure about the gift for your spouse for Valentine's Day, maybe fall back on the basics, and consider the plumbing gift for a less special occasion.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.