Living with extended family is something that has largely fallen by the wayside.
Multiple generations all living under one roof is pretty uncommon in much of the world.
A woman dealing with in-laws that want to bring that tradition back turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
MadZap1206 asked:
"AITA for not allowing my in-laws to move in with me to my new house?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So this one has been weighing on my mind for a while now and I am unable to get any clear perspective from people close to me. I (38, female) and my husband (37, male) bought a house last year, jointly, and it's currently in the state of getting ready to move in by this year."
"It's a decently huge house with multiple rooms and we are two and a dog (10, female). His family—my mother-in-law (60s, stay-at-home mom, widowed), sister-in-law (30s,earns well, unmarried), brother-in-law (20s, unemployed, unmarried) live together in a rental in the same city. "
"Since we started talks of buying this house, they all assumed they would be moving in with us because my husband is the eldest and the first in the family to own a house. We both were baffled by this and just didn't know how they assumed they would move in with us when we made no such comments ever."
"We already live in a 3 bedroom rented house, we are now moving into a 4 bedroom, double storey home. We are child free by choice and don't plan on adding to the family except for pets maybe."
"Honestly, husband and I both decided to go for a bigger house because we both like to host friends and families often and he likes to have his own space/room to work and workout from on his off days. So it just made sense, at no point in those conversations we talked about moving in a whole family with us."
"I get along with everyone and I am very close to my sister-in-law (SIL), but I definitely don't think living together in close quarters will do our relationship any favour. Also since November last year, my husband and I have had multiple flights and arguments over this."
"His first stance was it's his family and he can't discard them. We can have them live with us until brother-in-law (BIL) gets back on his feet and SIL gets married, which we don't have any timeline for yet."
"My counter was they are already living in a house, they are not homeless, and their lives are pretty well settled. Why do they need to move in with us and disrupt our life?"
"Something to note, my SIL does nothing around her own house, my MIL still treats both her kids like helpless toddlers and does everything for them, but when she visits me, she expects me to be at her beck and call. Which I don't mind, because she visits irregularly and I like to keep her happy."
"But as the move in date is nearing, I am severely stressed that I would hate to live with these people for an indefinite period of time. After a particularly nasty fight, I told my husband I will only allow my MIL to move in with us which he accepted begrudgingly and is now planning to have this chat with them."
"I won't be a part of that conversation, but I do expect a decent amount of uproar and eventual fallout. I don't want my relationship ruined, but I also can't allow this to happen knowing it will most definitely end in a disaster."
"AITA for putting my foot down?"
The OP later added:
"In one conversation where my husband sat them down to tell them how the house will have my rules and they will have to follow and we want to spend the first few months together just the two of us, there were shouts and murmurs from my MIL after he left about, 'but this is my house too, I want to be involved in decorating it.' I was like hell no!"
"My husband lost his father young and since then assumed the sort of head of the family role, and I saw firsthand how co-dependent all their lives were, and that was quite different from how I grew up."
"I moved out when I was 18, always lived on my own, and even after we got married, my husband moved in with me into my 3-bedroom house and had so much space for himself!"
"Before we got married, I made it very clear that I am not moving into a joint co-living situation, and that was respected by everyone. That's why all of this is so out of left field for me."
"Not trying to offer excuses, but this situation is so so new to me that it took me a while to accept that this is going to be a new reality and I have been independent since I was 18. Initially, I thought I was overthinking, and people live with big families all the time, so how hard could it be!"
"But then I started reflecting on my individual way of living and how much I like my space and how it feels like I will be made responsible for the communal living situation!"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I protested the indefinite move of my in-laws into my new house and gave my husband a warning."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was
"NTA. Your MIL will assume the lady of the house role and will take over every single decision in your home. You will be a visitor in the home you will be paying for every single day. That kitchen will be organized for her comfort."
"The living room will be hers and the mess she makes will be yours to clean. If you defy her wishes, you will have to listen to your husband's and her complaints. You can't have friends or family visit and if you have pets or children, she will have a say in their lives." ~ Trick_Few
"That's how the multi-generational homes generally work. OP will be working and paying to be a slave to a bunch of deadbeats who never lift a finger, but gripe at her all the time. In her own home!"
"Of course husband thinks it's fine and dandy. He would be benefitting from his wife's drudgery. He'll stop doing any work around the house because mommy will poison his mind like a red pill podcast."
"He'll get resentful of his family and take it out on his wife because he cares less about her than his unemployed relatives. In a nutshell, this is a really bad idea to let MIL move in." ~ Franklin45212
"Exactly what happened when my BF's mom came to stay with us. She took over everything while I was paying half. I started hanging out in the master bedroom to get away." ~ jerseygirl414
"My MIL acted like this when she came for an extended stay. My entire schedule and life changed to warp around hers for weeks, and she started a nasty political campaign against me."
"She then spent the money she was supposed to buy a return flight home with. Two more miserable weeks after that, I pulled the money out of my savings and dropped her off at the airport myself." ~ PunkTrackGoddess
"OP will be relegated to servant status in her own home. She said her MIL already expects OP to serve her when she visits, which OP does, and does not expect her own children to do a thing."
"This will not end well for OP if it happens." ~ Frankifile
"Why would you even consider to let your MIL move in?"
"The moment, she has a room in your home, the rest will follow!"
"DO NOT LET YOUR MIL MOVE IN WITH YOU! THIS IS NOT A COMPROMISE, THIS IS A TRAP!" ~ agnesperditanitt
"Do not let them in the door! I'd be truly afraid that they'd come for dinner, stay late on purpose, say 'Oh it's too late to drive home now!' and would never leave."
"If this was mentioned before the house was purchased, it would be an immediate dead stop for me. Don't buy a house with a guy who wants to move his whole family in!" ~ Ich_bin_keine_Banane
"NTA, and I think you should retract allowing your MIL to move in. I let my BF's mom stay with us 'temporarily' and it lasted about 2 years. It was supposed to be 6 months while her house was being renovated. It was awful."
"Privacy was gone. We had to include her in all our plans (she'd want to come on date nights). We'd stay up late to try to wait her out just to have an hour on the couch to ourselves and she wouldn't go to bed (she'd stay up with us), etc..."
"It severely damaged the relationship. He felt guilty because his mom was a widow and lonely (she was fine financially)."
"I moved out, she stayed. It was a rental and was mine before he moved in."
"You're going to have a brand new home and not get to enjoy it as a couple until his mother dies. Is this what you want for the next 20+ years?" ~ jerseygirl414
The OP provided an update:
"We spoke last night and he mentioned that he had all these concerns as well, but then I started caving in and making concessions, so he thought I was OK with the changes, but he understands. Last night he told me that he will make things very clear to his family and put an end to the discussion of them moving in with us."
"If it impacts our relationship with them, it's not on us since they are assuming and putting us in this spot because we were trying not to hurt anyone is why we are here. I know it's a cliche, but my husband is a good person, I understand the implicit expectations he has grown up with and it could very well be a cultural or familial thing."
"Let's hope my in-laws are understanding enough not to create any drama."
Hopefully OP can stand firm.
