Trust is one of the foundational pillars of any healthy and successful relationship.
Like it or not, if a couple cannot or will not trust each other, their relationship is not long for this world, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Massive-Ad8552 had been with a guy for about a year and thought that everything was going well, perhaps suspiciously well.
But when she found out that her boyfriend had set her up to "loyalty test" her, the Original Poster (OP) not only felt betrayed, but she couldn't help but wonder what else about their relationship had been faked in the past year.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting that my boyfriend basically staged a test to see if I'd cheat... with his cousin?"
The OP had a weird experience at her boyfriend's family gathering.
"I (26 Female) have been dating my boyfriend (29 Male) for about a year. Everything has been normal... maybe too normal."
"Last weekend, he invited me to a small 'family hangout' at his place. Nothing crazy, just food, music, and a few drinks. He mentioned his cousin would be there, too, but I'd never met him before."
"When I got there, his cousin (27 Male) was... weirdly attentive. Not creepy, just very intentional. Complimenting me, offering to refill my drink, and sitting next to me every chance he got."
"At first, I thought, okay, maybe he's just friendly."
"But then my boyfriend started disappearing. Like… fully vanishing into other rooms for long stretches of time, leaving me alone with this guy."
The OP smelled trouble when the cousin switched tactics.
"At one point, it was just me and the cousin in the living room."
"He turned to me and said, 'So... do you always go for guys like him?'"
"I laughed it off, but he kept pushing and saying things like, 'You could do better, you know,' and 'Not everything is as it seems,' and 'Some men like to share.'"
"At that point, I was uncomfortable. I texted my boyfriend, asking where he was."
"My boyfriend did not reply. Then the cousin straight up said, 'If you wanted to do something, you wouldn't tell him, right?'"
The OP was furious when she found out what was going on.
"I immediately got up and went to find my boyfriend. And guess where he was? In the hallway. On his phone. Right outside the door."
"I asked him what the h**l was going on, and he just smiled and said, 'Relax, I just wanted to see how you'd handle yourself.'"
"'HANDLE MYSELF?!'"
"I told him that was insane and left immediately."
"Now he's texting me, saying I 'passed' and that I'm 'wifey material' and that I'm overreacting because 'nothing actually happened.'"
"But I feel... set up? Tested? Lowkey disrespected?"
"Like, why am I being put in some loyalty experiment I didn't sign up for and didn't deserve?"
"Am I overreacting, or is this actually as messed up as it feels?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some pointed out that the boyfriend failed to trust and communicate with his girlfriend.
"He is projecting. HE likely doesn't behave in a trustworthy way, which is why he set this up to begin with." - codexcookiecompany
"He doesn't trust you. That's why he has to 'test' you. This will happen more if you stay." - youknowimright25
"Trust isn't a game, and you're not a prize to be tested. You're not overreacting; you were set up." - BlushingCutieee
"NOR, and if he thinks you would cheat with some guy you just met because he stepped out of the room for a few minutes… he's going to be incredibly controlling for the rest of the relationship. Get out now." - theladypenguin
"OP passed his stupid test, but he definitely failed by setting her up in the first place."
"OP, you are definitely NTA, and you need to run. Not only from him, but his family who played along." - kittyfantastico85
"I had an ex that "tested" me like this... while we were at the same damn party. In the same room. WTF did he even think I was gonna do?"
"And yeah, the idea that you're somehow proven to be 'loyal' just because you don't jump on literally anyone the second his back is turned is just so wild."
"Even worse, not just 'anyone,' but a close friend or relative of your partner. Like, thanks for proving that I'm not the absolute lowest of the low and dumbest of the dumb, did you really feel the need to check for that?!" - spicewoman
"What's going to happen when you actually have a male friend or coworker, and you go out to lunch together, or you're on a business trip that requires dinner with men? You do NOT want to sign yourself up for that kind of weird controlling jealousy when he outed himself this early." - Itsjustme326
"NOR, OP. This is not normal, and it is absolutely right out of the controlling dude playbook. At a MINIMUM, you may issue an ultimatum that this type of bulls**t NEVER happens again, or you are gone. But personally, f**k this guy and his cousin. Losers." - Haploid-life
"This is the beginning stage of control. If you marry this guy, he"ll be testing you constantly. He'll have to know everywhere you go and who you're with. He'll want to know every phone call you get, who it was, and what you talked about."
"My ex started listening on the extension (before cell phones), so I know; I lived through this."
"Run and don't look back. Definitely don't have kids with him; it will get worse. Save yourself the heartache and stress this is going to bring to your life! Easier to walk away now, rather than getting a divorce later!" - OkieLady-1952
Others pointed out that the boyfriend potentially put his girlfriend in an unsafe situation, just to prove a point.
"He tested her by putting her in a situation where she was being sexually intimidated. I think pretty much everyone on this thread is underreacting!"
"He's not just creepy, or weird, or disrespectful, or doesn't trust her- he is willing to play on one of a woman's worst fears to see how she will 'handle herself'? He is a sociopath." - Mistyam
"He put her in a physically and emotionally intimidating position. On purpose. I would never stay with someone that did this." - Different_Brother_53
"So much for the true 'partner', a champion, a person who actually LIKES and values you."
"Add in when she's texting him for help, he just left her alone. He's dangerous."
"He and his cousin read like little manosphere monsters to me. Gross." - DowntownKoala6055
"Your boyfriend is a dangerous person. NOR." - Adorable-Mixture-337
"I'm angry. I know a few girls/women who would have punched their cousin in the face and likely broken a bone. She should never go back to him." - American31415
"He's not even a creep; he's more like a predator. Putting his girlfriend in a situation where she was going to be sexually intimidated? Like women don't already have the fear in the back of their heads at all times of ending up alone with the wrong guy? What the actual f**k?"
"And then what..? She passes, and at every family get-together from here on in, she's stressed because that creepy a** cousin is going to be lurking and smirking at her like the cat who swallowed the canary?"
"There are some things that can't be walked back, ever. I hope she never sees him again." - Mistyam
"Dump ANYONE who does this s**t. I had an ex-girlfriend do a similar 'test' on me, but I never knew it was all a ruse until well over a year later when she confessed because she felt lingering guilt over it."
"It was relatively early in the 'official' part of our relationship, and she wasn't actually present during the incident, and I didn't know the other woman had any connections to my ex... but I shut the other woman down immediately once I saw the direction she was trying to steer the conversation towards, and then I called my ex afterwards to tell her about it... so I guess you could say I 'passed.'"
"However, her confession actually wasn't the reason for our breakup. At the time, I was able to laugh it off. But after the breakup, and also looking back at other manipulative things she did (like intentionally trying to make me jealous, etc)... in retrospect, I realized... what she did was actually f**ked up!"
"She even admitted that I gave her no reason to feel like she needed to test me... she was just bringing in trauma and insecurity from past relationships into our new relationship."
"Had I known at the time what she did... I probably would've broken up with her right then and there, because that's what I did when a prior woman I had been seeing started playing bulls**t games like that. With her, we had only been gone on a handful of dates over a few weeks, nothing official, so I wasn't as emotionally invested as I was after finding out what my ex did over a year after the fact, so I had no problem walking away and never talking to her again."
"But my ex keeping it a secret for over a year, and confessing when by that time I'm already significantly invested in the relationship... she denied me my agency in whether or not I would have wanted to continue the relationship at that time. And that's not cool."
"I always try to find the silver lining in things, so I can't be too mad about it. Had I broken up with her back when it actually happened... I most likely never would have met the woman I'm currently in a relationship with, and this has been the best and most loving relationship I've ever been in! Everything happens for a reason, I guess." - urinesain
It's important to know if you can trust your romantic partner and if they're going to be loyal to you when the opportunity arises. But "knowing" this begins by trusting your partner and only backstepping on that trust if they do something to break it.
The fact that this boyfriend didn't trust his girlfriend from the beginning, and even put her in an uncomfortable, possibly dangerous, situation to try to confirm his concerns, showed that he probably wasn't ready for a real relationship.
