When two people are engaged, there are countless possibilities for them to look forward to besides "just" their wedding day, from trips they might take to places they might live to the family they might one day grow.
But it's important for couples to not only be on the same page about what their milestones together will be but also what sacrifices they'll have to make to reach those milestones, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
While Redditor Low-Astronomer-1834 had been excited to start a family with her future husband someday, she became increasingly uncomfortable with the jokes he made about her body and her "making babies" for him.
When she tried to voice her concerns to him, and he dismissed her, the Original Poster (OP) realized this might not be the right relationship for her.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for calling off the engagement after my fiancé kept saying I would 'give him a baby' once we're married?"
The OP's fiancé started making comments that made her uncomfortable.
"My fiancé (31 Male) and I (25 Female) have been together for two years and engaged for six months."
"We've both wanted kids at some point, but never set a specific timeline."
"Lately though, he's been making comments about how I'll 'give him a baby' once we're married."
"The first time he said it, I let it go, but when he said it another time, I joked back, 'So that's my job now?'"
"He just said, 'Yeah, you're the one making it.'"
The OP tried to set a boundary with her partner, but he wasn't listening.
"I told him that the way he was wording it was rubbing me the wrong way, and he rolled his eyes and said I was overthinking it."
"But he said it like that a couple more times later."
"I started to feel less excited about starting a family."
"I told him straight up that it was making me uncomfortable after he said it like that again, later."
"He laughed and said, 'It's not that deep, that's just how it works.'"
"In that moment, I was starting to feel done."
The OP decided that this wasn't the future she wanted to sign up for.
"So I called off the engagement."
"He said I was being ridiculous over 'a poor choice of words.'"
"His family got involved and is telling me that I misunderstood him and that he just meant he was excited to start a family with me."
"I'm wondering if I overreacted."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that even if it were a joke, the ex-fiancé disregarding the OP wasn't funny.
"The actual issue is that he's shown he doesn't care if something bothers her. Who would marry that? You were right to leave, OP. NTA." - osteomiss
"NTA. What bothers me is he knows it bothers her, it's super easy to change the wording (because who the f**k says it that way anyhow?!), and he still does it. It's a d**k move." - Strange_Depth_5732
"His joking around shows a real lack of empathy for why she would be bothered by that phrasing. It's really dehumanising/reduces her to a baby oven instead of a person, and minimises the fact that it would be her baby too."
"Who would want to marry someone so out of touch? And unwilling to listen? NTA." - mossyfroggy
"I sometimes struggle to change my wording. For example, my partner has a dislike for being called 'Dear,' but that's what my parents used for each other so it's been ingrained into me from a young age and I often default to it without thinking."
"But at least I apologise and try not to do it again. I don't object to her discomfort, or tell her it's not that deep. I don't override her objections because I don't agree with them."
"He turned a molehill into a mountain and then decided to die on it, and took their relationship right up there with him." - AutisticPenguin2
"When I was pregnant with our first, my husband said something about me being his 'baby mama.' I just don't like the term. It has very negative connotations to me."
"I tried to blow it off the first time or two, but it couldn't shake the yuck feeling it gave me. The next time he said, I told him how I felt about the term."
"You know what that a**hole did? He hugged me and never said it again."
"THAT is the reaction you should have gotten, OP. It's the one you deserved. Anything less than that, and you were totally right to leave." - almost_cool3579
"I wish I had stood my ground and ended my relationship when it was just about stuff like this. If he won't listen and respect you over something this little, he won't listen and respect you over the bigger things later."
"And every step farther you get, the more involved leaving is, the worse they get."
"We should absolutely normalize leaving men over little things like this. If they can't take feedback and improve something this minor, they don't respect you. There's no love without respect." - Critical-Ad1007
Others agreed and were suspicious that "the joke" was a cover for the ex's true feelings.
"NTA. Trust your gut. It may have been a poor choice of words, but you know him well enough to know if it wasn't." - Cultural_Section_862
"It WOULD have been a poor choice of words, if it were one time, but multiple times? That's all him. That's what he actually believes about women. And it's not funny." - notyoureffingproblem
"A life with a guy like this is death by a million papercuts. One day you wake up and realize you don't remember who you are and how much of your life you wasted on an a**hole." - Puzzleheaded-Ad7606
"This, by itself, is a small issue. But you can look at a small issue one of two ways: 'This is so tiny, it's not important enough to bother fixing,' or 'This is so tiny, it's super simple to fix.'"
"If he's got mentality of the first one, he's gonna be that way for every small issue until that camel's back breaks, and then he'll act all shocked that anything is wrong because 'he never saw it coming' and 'nothing serious ever happened in the marriage,' and he'll try to pin all the blame on you. It's better to just get out now and find someone who will listen to you." - bitofagrump
"My husband, when he was young and stupid, referred to women as females in front of me exactly one time. I told him point blank, 'Don't do that.'"
"He asked why, so I explained how it was dehumanizing. We typically refer to animals as male/female, and we use men/women for human beings because we like to separate ourselves from animals. We had a whole conversation about it."
"He listened. And he has never referred to a human being as 'a female' again."
"It isn't so much what is being said. It's whether or not your partner is listening to you. We all say stupid things. But when they hurt people's feelings, the correct thing to do is apologize and never do it again." - Reflection-Secure
"She really lucked out. He went mask-off after getting engaged, thinking that things were set in stone at that point. She's fortunate he made the comment then instead of post-marriage when there would be more repercussions for separating. It could have been pretty awful depending on which state OP is located." - Khue
"Nahhh, you didn't 'misunderstand' a d**n thing... You finally clocked that man for what he really sees you as: his personal womb-on-legs. He wasn't talking about having a baby with you, he was talking about you giving him one, like it's some sort of transaction."
"You flagged it multiple times, and instead of even pretending to care, he rolled his eyes and kept saying it."
"That ain't excitement for a family, that's possession."
"And the fact that his whole d**n family is now involved, trying to gaslight you into believing you're overreacting? RUN."
"Imagine what they'd be like if you actually got pregnant... telling you how to birth, raise, and probably even name his child. You didn't call off an engagement. You escaped." - 410-Writer
"He ROLLED HIS EYES and said 'it's not that deep'?!!"
"Eye rolling is dismissive, condescending, and disrespectful. Pretty sure it's one of the Gottman's four horsemen of relationship apocalypse. Relationships where one or both partners display criticism, defensiveness, contempt, or stonewalling have a high likelihood to fail."
"He is displaying three out of four, and the eye roll is a sign of contempt, which is the highest, most accurate predictor of failure."
"You are definitely not the a**hole. You, however, are escaping a life with one." - jeangmac
"In my opinion, whether or not it's a poor choice of words is absolutely irrelevant. If someone you care about tells you in earnest that something you're doing bothers them, they don't like it, and they want you to stop, you cannot simply brush them off and carry on as you were."
"In this scenario, the ex-fiance was in the wrong, but even if it was something where OP was obviously overreacting, a good partner will have that talk with you, find out where you're coming from, and proceed with your feelings in mind."
"NTA. You don't have to marry anyone you don't want to marry! You don't even need a reason beyond, 'Eh, I don't feel like it,' but it sounds like you had a good reason that would grow into a great, non-negotiable reason later." - -justmax-
The OP's ex-partner and his family might have argued that he was making a joke out of excitement and that the OP was reading too much into things, but it was the guy's insistence on repeatedly making the joke and minimizing its meaning that made it such a red flag for the subReddit.
While being excited about having a future together and growing a family together is perfectly normal, word choice matters, and if a guy is more interested in what a woman's body can do than who she is as a whole person, it's clear that they want very different things from that marriage.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.