When a person starts to date someone new, it's fair for them to be curious about their partner's life before them, including their dating history.
If their partner starts acting cagey right away about their experiences and who they've dated, that's potentially a serious red flag, cautioned the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Shortly after he started dating her, Redditor throwaway__7678 noticed that his new girlfriend was very close to her male best friend. He was naturally curious if they had a romantic history or simply deep camaraderie.
The Original Poster (OP) was shocked when she said her dating history was none of his business and became hostile toward him, so much so that he ended things with her before they really began.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for breaking up with my new girlfriend because she said her past is none of my business?"
The OP's latest relationship was short-lived.
"I recently got together with my now ex-girlfriend."
"Things were going good during the dating stage. She introduced me to some of her friends, including a male friend of hers."
"She had other male friends, but this one in particular made me feel uncomfortable with how he acted with my new girlfriend."
"So, I asked my girlfriend if there was any history between them."
The OP's then-girlfriend's reaction surprised him.
"My girlfriend then said, 'That is none of your business. My past is none of your business.'"
"Honestly, I've been in this situation before. Another ex-girlfriend I had tried this bulls**t on me, hid her real feelings about a 'male friend,' and cheated on me... a lot."
"So I told her we were done right there and then."
The OP set the boundary, even though it was hard.
"I don't think she expected me to actually break up with her then. She followed me to my car and said we could talk about this."
"I told her no. I said that if she was going to be like that, it's better if we aren't together."
"I'll be honest, I kind of forced myself to act like I didn't care, and like I could walk away like nothing happened, and like I'm not hurting because I'm the one who broke up with her. But I'm hurt."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that the ex-girlfriend had the opportunity to "talk about" and was hostile instead.
"Her non-answer was your answer. And it was an aggressive non-answer at that. You were right to see the red flag for what it was and dip. NTA." - cthulularooroo
"The only people who say, 'My past isn't your business' or 'You can't get upset with me about my past,' are people who know they've done wrong in their past or feel guilty about their past. NTA." - NukaBeanz
"NTA. Her standards seem to have left her with a rather 'standard-less past.' It's only an issue for her because she's talking to a guy who HAS standards."
"In time, the truth always surfaces." - FlorinidOreo
"NTA. Obviously, something didn't sit right with this guy, so there was... something."
"Rather than discuss it, she got defensive rather than addressing your real concern. So, you handled it."
"Frankly, people like this tend to have entirely too much drama surrounding them in my eyes. I'd have split, too." - Heavy-Qual-7295
"NTA. On one hand, a person's past is their own business, and they aren't under any obligation to report it to someone they are currently dating."
"That said, OP asked the girlfriend if there was a history between her and one of her friends. This isn't past tense; the friend is here in the present. OP got suspicious and asked."
"In this case, yes, she should have come clean and told him, in general, with no details needed, that yes, there was a past, but it's in the past, or no, they've just always been close."
"Instead, she got snippy with him. I think OP did the right thing by breaking it off with her." - FloMoJoeBo
"If someone you have a past with is still active in your life, you owe it to your partner to be the one to tell them about that history."
"If it is someone you are unlikely to encounter, then as soon as possible, you should give your partner relevant information regarding this person if/when you do encounter this past relationship."
"That could be before you and your partner approach the ex, or they approach you. It might have to wait if this is a sudden, expected encounter." - slitherreal1
"NTA. Her response was PACKED with red flags. That was not a normal way to respond to your (very reasonable) question."
"I'm glad you listened to your gut. If there really was no history between them, then she's just playing games. No need to invite that drama into your life." - Pippet_4
"So many people have this individualistic mindset and wonder why they end up divorced. NTA if you date someone, it's for the purpose of marriage or at least a domestic partnership. That is the operative word, 'partnership.'"
"People like to act like the past doesn't matter, but it does. If you commit to someone, you aren't just getting them as they are. You are committing to the person they used to be, as well. Sins of the past come back to haunt everyone, not just the individual." - TherealRedParadox
Others agreed and reassured the OP that he was right to walk away when he did.
"'We can talk about this,' ike you just did?? Or at least tried to?? And she responded by shutting you down??"
"You did the right thing. The fear (or action) of breaking up shouldn't be the motivator to communicate. But it was to her. That's a red flag."
"NTA." - GinLynn97
"NTA. Someone still in her life isn't in the past, and her reaction tells you all you need to know." - archercc81
"NTA. This was very well handled by you."
"There is nothing wrong with asking whether your new girlfriend has a past with a particular guy. Especially if you pick up a vibe that makes you uncomfortable."
"The fact that she responded that way means there was a history that she didn't want to reveal."
"I really don't understand the fact that it seems like today women keep their exes so close. It's a big red flag to me if women or men do it."
"Her response and attitude about the question was a huge red flag, and you knew how that was gonna work out in the long run, so she f**ked around and found out."
"I am sorry that you are hurt by this, though. It can be tough, but self-respect is worth more in the long run." - Vyckerz
"NTA. Personally, I don't care to know the details of someone's past and their body count. However, what I do care to know is if they're friends with someone they used to date or sleep with because I just want to be prepared and know that info ahead of time."
"I don't need details, I just want to be made aware. I'd be p**sed if I started dating a guy and I found of one of his regular friends was someone he used to hook up with or date; that exclusion of information would make me uncomfortable." - bus_and_vod
"NTA."
"It would have been a simple yes or no question for her to answer. All I see from here is that you listened to your gut and removed yourself from an obvious situation." - the_greek_italian
"My guy, you have got some balls, and I love that. You did the right thing. Her response was all you needed to know that your gut was right. She is toxic as h**l, and you did great getting out of that."
"If the roles were reversed, you know she would have a fit, wanting to know all of your personal details. Keep your head up, king. NTA." - lifesaverr
"You saw the storm clouds coming and wisely decided to go someplace dry before the downpour started."
"Trust your instincts; we have them for a reason. If that dude was acting that suspicious with your girl, and she got all nasty and defensive when you asked about their history, then you already know what the answer is."
"You were 100% right to handle it the way did, and the proof of that was her following you to the car and doing a 180 with her attitude. You didn't dodge a bullet. You dodged a missile. NTA." - LincolnHawkHauling
The subReddit could completely understand why the OP felt so concerned about his ex-girlfriend's behavior with her friend and her reaction to his inquiry, and they applauded him for quickly switching her from a girlfriend to an ex.
It's perfectly okay for a person to have dated before, and even to have dated someone from their friend circle, but the minute they become secretive about their relationships and what they truly mean to them, it becomes almost impossible to trust them and their commitment to the relationship.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.