When two people get up in front of their friends and family to share their vows, most assume that they will live a long and happy marriage.
But sometimes things get in the way, like money management or their sex life, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor AnyWolf_134 tried to be sympathetic to his sister when she came to live with him for a while during her divorce process.
But when she told him more about why she was getting divorced, the Original Poster (OP) began to question her values more and more.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my sister that a comment she made is exactly why her marriage crashed and burned?"
The OP welcomed his sister into his home during her divorce proceedings.
"My sister has been staying with my husband and I (men in our late 20s) for the last week and some change."
"She and her husband have initiated the divorce process and she said she doesn't want to stay alone right now, which I completely understand. It would be very hard to go from living with a partner to a completely silent house."
But the OP was feeling increasingly conflicted about his sister's marriage.
"I opened our home to her before I found out why her marriage didn't work out. Now that the two of us have had multiple conversations about it, I'm a little uncomfortable."
"There was no infidelity. There was no big scandal. What she told me is that her husband wasn't having sex with her enough."
"The things she has been saying have floored me. She says without sex, the two of them were basically just like roommates. She said she had been pushing for him to get a hormone imbalance test done because while they were still having sex, it wasn't enough."
"She said he had begun resisting even normal touches from her because, from his perspective, all she thought about was sex, which apparently isn't true... I'm not sure I believe that."
"Overall, this has left me feeling sad for her ex and the disrespect of saying sex is the only thing that separates a partner from a roommate. Not even a friend."
"I've done my best to be supportive, but I can't relate to the thought process at all. If my partner told me tomorrow that he wasn't up for sex for the next few weeks, months, or longer, I would just take care of myself and respect that. I love him and I want him to be the person I do life with forever."
The OP's discomfort came out in a hurtful comment.
"This all came to a head last night. My husband and I were having a typical lazy Saturday night, catching up on some shows and chatting while we lounge on the couch."
"His legs were in my lap and I was kind of absentmindedly massaging his feet and rubbing his ankles. This was an innocent gesture."
"My sister came in, saw me doing it, and made a joke along the lines of, 'Ah, OP, I didn't know you were into feet,' or 'I didn't know you had a foot fetish.' The exact wording escapes me."
"I couldn't help but feel put off by her sexualizing the gesture. Intimacy CAN be sexual, but it doesn't have to be."
"I told her so, and then said, referring to her divorce, 'You sexualizing every interaction is why you're in the situation you are now.'"
"She called me a d**k and left the room."
"I already know it was a little harsh, but I'm unsure if it was tough love or too much."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some completely understood why the OP made that comment, harsh or not.
"My boyfriend and I (men in our 30s) have a wonderful relationship that doesn't revolve around sex."
"I have an average drive, and he has a lower one. All good. I take care of my needs, and we'll have it when HE wants it together. We go on dates, hang out together, play video games/watch movies, cuddle, and normal couple stuff. Sometimes, it leads to sex, and sometimes it doesn't. Don't love him any less for it."
"OP is NTA in my book. If his sister is sexualizing any sort of touch or reaction, there's a problem." - JunpeiIori91
"No. Telling your brother he has a foot fetish because he is cuddled up for any old regular movie night is not a 'healthy sex drive.'"
"She is consumed with sex. She can't even just have a movie night in someone else's house without blurting out rude @ss sexual comments."
"NTA. Not one tiny bit." - boogers19
"NTA. I hate people who constantly make everything sexual. If your sister were continuously making comments like that, then I would snap too." - slytherngrl
"I had an ex who behaved similarly, and it got to the point where I was uncomfortable with any and all physical contact because whenever they WOULD touch me, it would either be sexual or become sexual within five minutes."
"Oh, you wanna cuddle? Well, enjoy it for four minutes before you start getting groped. I'm not surprised her ex eventually shied away from all physical contact."
"OP is definitely NTA! His sister basically acted like all her ex was good for is sex, and someone needed to say something eventually. Given the fact that she extended that behavior towards OP and his husband, I'd say it was called for." - Phadeful
"NTA."
"A similar reaction was bound to happen. It's one thing if you keep your mouth shut when she is talking about these issues and judging her own scenario, but once she starts projecting it onto you and your husband she's going too far. And if you didn't nip it in the bud then she probably would have escalated."
"It honestly sounds like the husband already had Walkaway syndrome, probably due to many other factors of the marriage, and your sister is using the lack of sex as the only reason to excuse accepting her faults in the relationship."
"As you said, it is sad. There was either never a foundation other than sex in this relationship, or the foundation was destroyed by different issues entirely, and your sister just can't admit that to herself or anyone else." - SRHiddenFalse
Others thought the OP was too harsh and maybe even projecting.
"Holy s**t, YTA."
"She made a slight joke, maybe one you found offensive. From my perspective, this is a light tease. Then you proceeded to go nuclear and used something your sister told you in a moment of vulnerability just to hurt her."
"She's going through a traumatic experience. She probably feels a ton of self-confidence issues because her husband was 'resisting even normal touches from her,' and you proceeded to pour lava into the wound. For what?"
"Because she made a light joke about a foot massage?"
"The N T A people here are blowing my f**king mind. You owe your sister a deep apology. That wasn't tough love. It wasn't love at all." - 693ew420
"YTA. A dead bedroom is absolutely a reason for relationship incompatibility. It sounds like you're judging her for the fact that she values sex as part of a relationship. You're different people and can have different values."
"Her comment was not really appropriate, but you are blaming her for the end of her relationship. Clearly, there is more to it." - poweller65
"YTA, first for judging your sister's reason for divorce, and second for your comment to her."
"Touch and sex are a vital part of intimacy in a marriage. It's part of the connection. It's one thing when there is a medical reason. But just because your partner doesn't want you, it can damage your self-esteem and certainly the relationship."
"I've been there. And until you are, you really should keep your judgment to yourself. Because while you may think you'd know how you would feel, you are wrong."
"Second, she made a joke, a pretty innocuous one, and you went straight to AH." - CarDecGra
"I'm a woman. Once a week is not sufficient for me. I was young and dumb and made a lot of assumptions about men when I got married (I was also recently postpartum). I thought that men wanted sex all the time."
"It took me a really, really long time and many many years of frustration and hurt to realize that the lack of sex in my marriage directly reflected the inability of my partner to engage in any intimate acts (sex or otherwise) and that I didn't want to live that way."
"If you asked my ex, he'd say I left him because there wasn't enough sex, even though we had a five-minute mechanical engagement once a week after YEARS of asking for more intimacy. If you asked me five years ago to explain why I left, I would have said, 'Not enough sex.'"
"I bet you're punishing your sister for not having the right vocabulary to describe her problems. I bet leaving her marriage was fucking DEVASTATING for her, and she has a sh*t ton of guilt about it."
"I also think you're a bit puritanical about marriages, why people leave, and why people want sex. Not everyone is you. Everyone gets to define why they want to stay in/leave a religious or legal contract. Leave her alone. YTA." - fing_delightful
"I was in a marriage like your sister's. My ex and I have remained friends, but we split because 'I didn't just want to be roommates.'"
"I see now that It wasn't the lack of sex that was the problem. It was the lack of intimacy or feeling desired that was causing my distress."
"I think I had a twisted perception that sex equals love."
"I'm in a relationship now where we don't bang all the time. We can go long stretches without having actual intercourse. The difference is that, in the stretches where we aren't having sex, I still feel like he desires me. He makes me feel like he would have sex with me… he makes me feel sexy."
"Being married to someone that isn't interested in having sex with you is rough on the self-esteem. I felt like I was doing something wrong (and surely I was doing some things wrong, like always harping on how he didn't want to have sex with me, lol (laughing out loud)… amongst other things) but I wasn't looking at it from the perspective that my ex just has intimacy issues."
"So being with someone who does make me feel attractive has the effect of improving my self-esteem, which has the effect of making me feel comfortable opening up to him, which has the effect of making us talk about personal things, which brings me to feeling satisfied with the level of 'intimacy' that we have in our relationship."
"Low-key YTA."
"I think you're looking at your sister's marriage the way I looked at my marriage, and you're making her relationship all about sex here, and I can almost guarantee that your sister has no self-confidence right now because she feels like a failure as a woman because even her own husband doesn't wanna have sex with her." - friday99
While everyone could agree the sister's comment was out-of-place, they disagreed about the severity and vulgarity of the joke, as well as how the OP responded to it.
Some found the joke to be grossly inappropriate and that the sister needed a wake-up call about her relationship, but others thought a harmless joke during a vulnerable time deserved much more forgiveness than what she received.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.