Sharing walls and fences with a neighbor can be a very unpleasant experience.
But the neighbor getting frustrated over something like a baby crying only would make the situation worse, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Crafty-Ocelot9612 was convinced, though, that their neighbors needed to be more mindful of the people living around them when their newborn baby was crying.
But when their wife called them out on their behavior, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if they were being over-the-top.
They asked the sub:
"AITA for asking my neighbors to be more considerate?"
The OP knew the neighbors, who were finally back at home.
"My neighbors are a young couple in their 30s (Annie and Bill), and they had a baby a couple of months ago. The baby came home last month after 3 months in the hospital."
"My wife is friendly with Annie. We can't have children so whenever we have a neighbor with a baby, my wife makes friends with them."
"We have my mum staying with us, as she is no longer able to live independently."
The neighbors did not appreciate the trouble the baby was having.
"My mum has complained several times that she can hear the baby crying, especially at night."
"My wife says the baby has bad reflux, and they are trying to deal with it."
"The baby screams several times a day, it's awful listening to the poor thing cry for so long."
"But it does feel like they aren't dealing with the baby as quickly as they should be. The baby screamed for 10 minutes solid the other night."
"My wife says that the baby screams when they bathe it, as Annie has told her that baby doesn't like being bathed."
"The baby is always crying and it's frustrating, especially when mum needs peace and quiet to recover from surgery."
The OP was also angry about parking.
"Since the baby has come home, there is no longer any room on our street during the day as we have on-street parking."
"This is making it difficult to get mum to appointments as she can't walk to the end of the street to get her in the car but we also can't park in the middle of the road as it blocks the road and can take over 10 minutes to get her in the car due to mobility issues."
"There had always been at least one empty bay outside our house but now it is always occupied by either someone from their families visiting or one of the healthcare professionals involved in the baby's care."
The OP lashed out at the new parents.
"I reached a breaking point over the weekend. Mum had been home alone all day and she was in tears when I got home from work. My wife was away visiting friends. She said the baby had been screaming all day long."
"It was still crying when I came home. I went and knocked on Bill and Annie's door to ask if they could quieten the baby."
"I could see through the frosted glass that Annie was sitting on the bottom of the stairs not even trying to calm the baby down."
"When she came to the door, she apologized and said she had been trying to calm the baby down, but the new medication was making him constipated, and he was straining to poo. She had Bill had gone to pick up an emergency prescription to try and help."
"I snapped as she clearly hadn't been trying as she was on the stairs and told her that they need to be more considerate of others and if she didn't quieten the baby then I would log a noise complaint with the police."
The OP's actions were not well-received.
"Annie was upset at this and closed the door in my face."
"When my wife came back, she told her what I had said. Now my wife is angry with me as I was making life difficult for a young couple with a sick baby and is giving me the silent treatment."
"I feel like I may be in the wrong because of how my wife has reacted, but at the same time, the baby is always crying and I think they need to be more considerate of their neighbors."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the OP was inconsiderate of what the new parents were going through.
"When this mom of a 17-month-old read that the baby cried for 10 WHOLE MINUTES STRAIGHT, I thought, have these people never been around a baby??"
"They cry. It's how they communicate literally everything. And this one spent three months in the NICU!" - sheworksforfudge
"I literally can't believe that OP counts his parking problems against the family that just had to spend THREE MONTHS in the hospital."
"Like, the obvious answer is that OP needs to move to a place with designated parking or a driveway because his place doesn't fit the needs of everyone living there. The answer is most certainly NOT that other people don't have the same rights to that parking as he does just because he doesn't want to put any work into finding an actual solution."
"'How DARE these people to allow the MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS who are helping their SICK BABY have cars. Don't they know how important OP is and how urgent it is that they handle whatever business they have RIGHT THEN and have an IDEAL PARKING SPACE for that business?'"
"Not to mention, if the parking is an issue because of a disability as mentioned, there should literally be avenues to get accommodations that don't involve other people losing the ability for medical professionals or visitors to come to their house."
"This is not the first time that someone has needed parking because they're taking a disabled person somewhere. There are entire systems in place for EXACTLY THIS ISSUE which don't involve infringing on the rights of OP's neighbors." - TrustMeGuysImRight
"Honestly, the fact that OP went straight to 'Maybe I should file a police report' before 'Hmm, maybe I should get a white noise machine or noise-canceling headphones or try to help out' is astounding. YTA." - samandriell
"No hate here to the parents and I'm child-free. Young babies cry because they can't communicate any other way."
"This is an infant with health issues and your aggression toward your neighbors is completely rude. Do you think THEY want the baby to cry often? Don't you think THEY would like their baby to be healthy and happy?"
"What do you think filing a noise complaint is going to accomplish? The police will come and arrest the parents? The infant? Use your brain and have some sympathy."
"YTA, OP. A huge one." - gymngdoll
"This little baby has lots of health complications and the parents are doing what they can, especially if they have home health visitors to continue care for the child!"
"That poor baby, those poor parents."
"OP is definitely the a**hole. The compassionate thing to do would be to drop off a couple of homecooked meals and a case of diapers, especially if the wife is friends with them."
"It also sounds like a driving force is possibly caregiver burnout, which I'm sympathetic to, but one should not take it out on a young couple with a sick baby. OP needs therapy and to consider if his home is the best place for his mother." - specialkk77
Others agreed and pointed out Annie was doing the safest thing she could have done.
"OP definitely doesn't realize that the official recommendation to prevent shaken baby is to step away from the child until you can regain composure. The mother in question is doing the right thing to keep her baby safe."
"I'm a pediatric nurse and after a 12-hour shift, I sometimes require a few minutes of silence in my car in the dark before going into my house. I cannot imagine what it must be like to not be able to walk away and then to be shamed by some AH for taking a moment to calm yourself down." - nololthx
"OP, you may not think Annie was doing the right thing, but she was. The baby will be fine if you set them down in a safe place (crib) for a few minutes to regain composure. Dealing with a very fussy baby can be rough as h**l; I've been there."
"I'm just imaging how I would react if, in the moment I set the baby down and took a breather, some whiney a** neighbor came by to tell me I wasn't doing all I could to quiet my child? I would probably end up in prison." - energetic-dad
"YTA. These people have a new baby who had a lot of complications and the baby is having difficulties. And you go to people who are overly stressed with a newborn and throw a hissy fit because their baby is stressing YOU out?"
"I'd be terrified to add stress to that situation, for fear they would take it out on the baby."
"For crying out loud, think about the big picture! Wanna help? Maybe make friends and ask if you can help them, watch the baby while they take a walk or prepare some food for them or just sit and have a cup of coffee with them while they are dealing with a difficult and sick newborn."
"Your actions increase the risk to that child. Try turning on some classical music or walking outside, but don't create more stress. YTA definitely." - Ok-Trouble2979
"Sometimes you can't quiet the baby no matter what you do. The baby is screaming and you hold them, rock them, pat them, bounce them, and they're still screaming."
"What exactly is it that OP wants her to do? And to say he'd make a noise complaint to the police. For a crying baby. You can't just get a baby to stop crying on command."
"This post makes me so angry. My daughter has 6-week-old twin boys and sometimes they cry. They're babies. OP is definitely YTA." - Allkindsofpieces
"I'm a mom of a baby who spent considerable time in the NICU (months) and came home to needing specialized home care several times a week. My baby cried continuously for nearly 18 months. She rarely slept and I don't know how we made it though, to be honest."
"We tried EVERYTHING. She had a lot of gastro issues that weren't treatable and have thankfully evened out with age. She's the sweetest most laid-back girl now that she isn't in terrible pain 24/7 and knows she won't be ripped away from her mother for months on end."
"If one of my neighbors had the audacity to act like OP and parent me in this scenario I would have first taken out all of my exhausted postpartum rage on him and then gone next door to give his mother tips on raising her son to be a more compassionate person."
"OP, YTA. Get your mom some earplugs and turn on your hazards if you have to block traffic to load her up. S**t happens." - LinkAvailable4067
The subReddit was sympathetic to these new parents whose baby was likely struggling with some early-life complications, and they were left shaking their head at the OP who couldn't look beyond their minor inconveniences to see how they could help the parents.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp