Bachelor parties have a reputation for being out of control debauchery thanks to films like 1984's Bachelor Party and 2009's The Hangover.
While reality is far more tame, some people feel pressure to live up to the hype. So, the idea of a dry event may result in a mutiny.
A man turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after objecting to his friend's request for a sober celebration.
DapperDanMan6969 asked:
"AITA for telling people I'm still going to drink at a bachelor party?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"A large group of friends and I are going to Tahoe for 3 nights for a bachelor party/guys trip—we haven't had one in over 2 years—later this month."
"Over the last week drama has hit. Primarily by me."
"I'm 35, male, have a 2-year-old and a 5-month-old. I'm using vacation time and bought a flight 4 months ago to go on this trip."
"I don't get out much nowadays with the two kids. I thought a few days with the boys and let loose would be awesome."
"The groom proposed last spring, and their wedding is this upcoming March. It was revealed this past week that the fiancée is 3 months pregnant."
"The whole group was shocked but congratulatory. She is going to be pregnant for her wedding."
"A little while later, the best man informed us that the groom quit drinking when she got pregnant. While they might drink later on in life, it would mean no drinking at the bachelor party."
"In solidarity, the best man asked we don't drink also."
"The gist of what I said was 'hell, no!'. I spent a lot on this trip already, I'm borrowing future time off to go on this trip."
"My previous time off was used on my baby. I want to do stuff I'm going to enjoy."
"I understood that we were going for the groom, but I invested a lot of resources in this trip, and I want to enjoy it. I want to sit at a blackjack table and suck down a half dozen Coronas if my funds last long enough."
"I'm still going to drink. If I need to get a hotel at Harvey's or Bally's, I will."
"I offered up a day and night to stay sober, but that was not taken well."
"Half the group agrees with me, a few are indifferent, and a few are backing the groom/best man. The best man has led the charge in calling me an a**hole and telling me I'm being a sh*tty friend."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"AITA for wanting to get drunk at a bachelor party?"
"I might be the a**hole because I want to drink despite it being requested not to happen. I want to let loose with my friends regardless of whether the groom is involved or not."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors reactions were mixed, with some saying the OP was not the a**hole (NTA)...
"I'm gonna say NTA because this was sprung on you after you had already booked everything. You might not have gone to the whole thing if you had known."
Also maybe it's cultural, but here being teetotal would be considered a personal choice that you don't put on other people. Especially in a setting like a casino where having a drink is completely acceptable." ~ SubparSavant
"'...groom is not drinking to support his pregnant fiancée...' who isn't even going to be there! I can (kinda) see not drinking right in front of her face, but abstaining on a guy's trip for her sake is silly."
"And I say that as a woman who's gone through 4 pregnancies. NTA." ~ pingsinger
"NTA in my book. I don't understand why people cannot be happy unless everyone is doing/acting/thinking identical to them."
"Furthermore, it's a bachelor party. The bachelor himself should be telling everybody to handle it however they want."
"The only exception to this is if the groom is in recovery from alcoholism, as I would not want to jeopardize his sobriety." ~ ILoveRegency
...others saw no a**holes here (NAH)...
"There's a difference between drinking and getting drunk. Info: OP, are you a bad drunk? Are your friends? Do you tend to do stupid stuff when you drink?"
"I think if the groom knows that his friends get stupid and boorish when drunk, that could make him feel excluded or uncomfortable. The focus should be on him and his enjoyment, so I'd say act accordingly."
"You want a couple of drinks from the minibar? Cool, they won't know. But getting sloppy drunk when the groom is sober would mean you value the drinking experience over the friendship."
"Which is also fine if that's what you decide, but it will tell you something about yourself. Only you know the truth of how healthy your impulses are. NAH." ~ birdieelizabeth
"NAH. The groom's priority for the wedding is going to be him and his wife/fiancée. There are a couple of days you're allowed to make everything about you & your household—your wedding and your funeral, for example."
"But it's also totally valid that you wouldn't want to go along with this. Especially if you're not all that close to the people involved, and you're here more for the event than the people."
"It could understandably burn some bridges with people in this group, but it's your call if that's worth it."
"You all have reasonable-but-incompatible priorities, and nobody here has any obligation to blink first." ~ Sminahin
...some said everyone sucked (ESH)...
"ESH, groom for changing the goalposts and expectations for the event after everyone's RSVPd and booked already; OP for seeing this as an infringement of his rights and his wants."
"Sometimes showing up for people you love means doing stuff you don't enjoy or missing out on stuff you love. Ultimately you took PTO and sacrificed time with family and planned a vacation to celebrate your friend, not to midmax your own enjoyment and live out your idea of vacation."
"I think that's the only leverage the best man/groom have on OP to a**holize him, that OP's expectations for this trip are more about his ideas of a good time than the groom's."
"The groom has the right to a dry bachelor's if that's what he wants. OP is entitled to a vacation doing what he enjoys, ie drinking, if that's what he wants."
"Conflating the two wasn't an issue when they aligned, now this venn diagram is apparently two separate circles. Throw in a multi-day trip (a very hard format to try and micromanage) and no way to make informed choices beforehand, this is a hot mess."
"I guess it's up to OP to decide if a dry 72-hour bachelors is something he'd still attend for his friend (to be honest, I would, 'you can be sober home with the kids,' but I can equally do a boys night with drinks back home), and for groom/best man to appreciate their last-second decision may cause fallout and non-attendance from some." ~ lilacshadowsatdusk
"ESH. If you can't have a good time without a drink, oof, but they shouldn't be forcing it on you. Guess you'll have to just eat the cost or cancel and lose a friendship." ~ Brain124
...and others declaring the OP was alone in his a**holishness (YTA).
"YTA because it isn't your party, and the host and the person the party is for asked you not to drink at the event. You don't have to go on the trip and I am sure you can cancel the trip and not use those vacation days and save them for later."
"This is no different from someone saying they don't want to be strippers at their bachelor party. Or for them to say they don't want smoking or drugs at thier bachelor party. You don't have to be a recovering addict to not want this thing at your event."
"Nothing about what the host wants is unreasonable. It would be different if it was a boy's trip because then everyone's opinion would be truly valued, but on a bachelor trip, the most important opinion is that of the bachelor. If he doesn't want alcohol at his party then you should honor that."
"Truth be told it sounds like you are only using him and the bachelor party to get away from your kids. Without the bachelor party I doubt your wife would allow you to go out of town and drink." ~ CorrectLanguage1410
"YTA. Are you actually going to sit there and drink in a hotel bc that's what you want to do vs be there with your buddies?"
"That's sad, though. I hope you reconsider." ~ erictho
"YTA. If drinking is more important to you than spending time with your friends, that tells me all I need to know about you as a person and friend. It's about the future groom, not you." ~ CloseToTheSun10
"YTA. Everyone who downvotes this comment needs to seriously reconsider their relationship with alcohol." ~ drake22
"Damn, I forget how much people can't enjoy themselves without alcohol. YTA. I would have no problem respecting the groom's wishes. But I party hard sober." ~ tinsleyx
"YTA for being obtuse and being over-invested in alcohol as your gateway to fun. Please consider that one or more of your friends (the groom and maybe others) are trying not to drink."
"Maybe they've had alcohol problems worse than yours and are using the pregnant fiancée as an excuse. Whatever the reason, you've gone on an absolute tantrum instead of thinking or asking any kind questions."
"Yes, you are using money and time for this trip, but it's not only about you. Is it at all possible to enjoy time with your friends, consider supporting them, and maybe see if staying sober improves your win rate at gambling?" ~ Atala9ta
The OP certainly has plenty of opinions to choose from. Hopefully he finds a solution that doesn't torpedo his friendships.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.