Right now the world is in chaos.
Emotions are constantly running on high overload.
And all of our most essential people and workers are struggling to cope and survive.
Sadly many personal relationships are taking a hit.
The balance of career and home is becoming harder to manage.
Case in point...
Redditor StraightKale5752 to discuss their story for some feedback. So naturally they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for forcing my wife to change career?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My wife is a Registered Nurse and the last two years have been incredibly hard."
"I have been really worried about her and she has been working really horrible hours for most of the two years."
"I really can't do it anymore."
"We were finally getting back to a place where we had time for each other and then it got yanked back again."
"It broke my heart and I told her that I really don't have the energy and mental fortitude to deal with the stresses that came with her career."
"And I told her that I know that meant that we would probably divorce and I didn't want to leave her but I haven't felt happy in a long time."
"She didn't take it well and she was crying and two days later she told me she wanted to work on our relationship and she wanted to do something else as she was burnt out and she needed a change."
"She quit her job and has been searching for other roles in the healthcare industry."
"We have been spending a lot of time together and it has helped both of us feel sane."
"Last night, she was reading an article about the nursing shortage and started to cry."
"I tried to console her and she said it was my fault that she had quit her job and she felt really guilty about it and she would have nerve quit if not for me."
"She said she would have worked through all the bulls**t and she was willing to bear all the stress that came with the job if I hadn't brought up divorce."
"I feel guilty because I selfishly didn't second guess her when she brought up quitting the job because I didn't want to leave her."
"I really love my wife and I want her to be happy."
"And I feel she has to work through a lot of guilt about quitting and I feel horrible for forcing her to quit."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors seemed undecided on who the A**hole was in this situation. It was certainly a hot debate.
It's a tricky situation.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"YTA. You threatened divorce because she has a stressful job as an RN in the middle of a pandemic with a massive shortage of nurses? Cool. Cool cool cool."
"Your job is to support her. Period." ~ lovely_aria_ann
"That's stupid."
"He couldn't live with the hot that high stress job, so he communicated that he couldn't do that anymore."
"She chose whether to stay with him or leave the job."
"She might now regret it; she might have made the wrong choice for her, but that doesn't make him the a**hole."
"There is no a**hole here unless she unless she stays with him and doesn't deal with the fact that she regrets leaving her job."
"She needs to either leave him and go back to the job or deal with the loss of the job."
"But, him stating that he can not live under that amount of stress anymore is not an asshole move."
"And I'm sorry, but the situation with Covid does not make him required to deal with it; in fact, it is upping the stress so much that a lot of people are leaving the industry."
"It's just too much." ~ Affectionate-Prize84
"Ya no it's within his right to leave."
"However, how he went about it does make him an a**hole."
"Instead of trying to figure out a middle ground, he basically gave her an ultimatum of 'you either quit your job now or we divorce.'"
"My way or high way. Especially about something that isn't really her fault." ~ GelatinousPumpkin
"Exactly! OP said in the comments he had been watching her suffer for months."
"Her hair was thinning, she was losing weight and wasn't sleeping."
"She's clearly under a lot of pressure and stress, if not depressed and/or has PTSD like a lot of nurses in this pandemic."
"His actions as a husband is change your career or we are going to divorce?"
"This is supposed to be someone he loves, respects and is married to."
"If anything she needs help and therapy, not more weight dropped on her."
"I could see asking her to step back, cut her hours, change her job (but not her entire career!)."
"Then maybe if it wasn't working, counseling or divorce."
"But based on what we have, he went straight to threatening her with divorce if she didn't change career, not her job, career."
"She deserves better than emotional blackmail when she's already in a horrible mental state." ~ PotatoLover-3000
"As far as I can see in the post, it wasn't him who brought up her quitting her job."
"That was her response to him communicating his issues."
"It must be hard for him to be married to someone he barely sees and is stressed and exhausted when he does spend time with her."
"You can get burned out from constantly supporting someone too."
"It's pretty obvious why she's not an a**hole in this."
"I'm a firm NAH and the real AH is a healthcare system that puts so much pressure on its staff." ~ cyberllama
"NAH, the real AHs are the people not doing their part to help put this pandemic in check."
"The ones that refute science and then roll right into the hospital sick as s**t suddenly wanting all the science."
"The ones that cuss and fight the healthcare workers while lying in that hospital bed."
"The ones who's relatives do the same - fight and cuss the worker, then rush home to post more lies on social media and refuse to learn from their loved ones mistakes." ~ Advanced-Extent-420
"Some professionals do not contribute to a healthy relationship."
"Something has to give and it's usually the relationship."
"He recognized that and said he wants out unless something changes."
"Nurses are working insane hours. Not having anything left for your spouse for two years? Totally unsustainable." ~ desertrat329
"Honestly though, that would be on her to suggest."
"If her job is damaging their relationship and there are ways for her to stay in the same field while getting out of the specific job that is causing the problem, she ought to bring it up."
"She's smart. She's the expert. She would know if she could just work part time or get a different kind of RN job."
"It's not his responsibility to find a new job for her."
"ETA: And now that she finds she misses being a nurse, this would be the perfect time for her to suggest one of those RN positions with shorter hours and better working conditions."
"But it sounds like she wants to go right back to what she was doing before." ~
JohnnyFootballStar
"I disagree. I say NTA. It sounds like they were both miserable and he laid out his terms."
"She made a choice, he didn't force her to do anything. If she was burnt out it was the right choice."
"Burnt out healthcare workers don't make good healthcare workers. Speaking as a healthcare worker." ~ araknay
"YTA. Full disclosure-I'm a nurse."
"Nobody other than other health care workers has any inkling of an idea of what we've gone through in two years and there aren't adequate words to explain it here."
"You think you can't go through it again? How do you think she feels?"
"And on top of that you're threatening to divorce her because of her dedication to her profession!"
"News flash-every single nurse on the planet is burned out right now but there are still sick people and someone has to take care of them."
"Do you have any idea what she's seen? What we've all seen? What she's had to do? Had to face?"
"Of course she's crying when she reads about the nursing shortage!
"We are dropping like flies and the ones who haven't are fleeing the bedside in droves!"
"Did you or didn't you promise in good times and bad?"
"Maybe you didn't, I don't know."
"But this is the worst time in recent history to do what we do and I pray that your wife has some kind of support from another loved one."
"You seriously cannot suck it up and see her through?"
"That is not how you love someone, especially not someone who has risked her own a** to save a strangers, repeatedly." ~ snarky_chimichanga
"People divorce people in essential high stress jobs every day."
"No one is owed a permanent relationship if they can't meet some of their partner's needs."
"No matter how noble or necessary the work they do."
"Service people in wartime get Dear John letters."
"Partners divorce overworked cops, firefighters, flight crews all the time, CEOs, athletes, celebrities all can lose their relationships over work."
"The partner of op is burnt out and that's awful for them but if the burnout is long term and making the relationship untenable, then OP doesn't have to stay."
"OP can't work with this situation. They made an ultimatum. "
"There's nothing wrong with an ultimatum." ~ HesherPiney
It's all a lot for everyone right now.
We need our medical professionals now more than ever, but they also need time to live for themselves.
This story is sad. Hopefully OP and wife can find the compromise.
Good to them.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.